Black
by holymfwickee
Summary: Book V of the Damn Imprinting Series. Nearly twenty years after Nessie's birth, the supernatural world has changed drastically. Convinced of their commitment to one another, Nessie and Jacob learn their pasts may still affect their future. *ON HIATUS*
1. Prologue

**Prologue:**

"Are you going to tell her?" he asked me.

"It's not my place to tell, is it?" I replied, my anger deceptively hidden behind my controlled expression. He had put me in an impossible situation.

"I love her," he said immediately, as if it was magical phrase that could solve every problem, every complication. I once believed those words could make such a difference.

"I know you do…God help me, I know you do," I said in exasperation. I rubbed my fingers over my eyelids, fruitlessly attempting to force the pressure out of my head. The room was illuminated solely by the light of the moon cascading in from the windows. It was quiet aside from the occasional cricket chirp. My head, on the other hand, was a conflicted, energetic mess.

"I would never hurt her," he whispered. Promises, promises; there were endless promises!

"You don't know that," I shot back at him. His face fell, dejected. He was silent, even his mind was empty. It was a break from the constant turmoil that usually went on in his thoughts – that is, when he wasn't trying to hide it. "But, I suppose there is still time," I admitted reluctantly.

He raised his head up. A spark of hope had ignited within him and he had to fight to keep it alive. Every thought was clouded with uncertainty. "Yes. Time," he said with eloquent wisdom. "That is the only thing there seems to an endless supply of. Year after year after year…" His voice faded away.

"Listen," I demanded, "that girl means everything to me. I will not allow any harm to come to her. Even if–"

"I feel the same way," he quietly interrupted. "I will not harm her, as much as I'm able." Yet another promise. Promises meant very little in this conversation.

"The more important question is, are _you_ going to tell her?"

"Yes…I…," he replied immediately, but he struggled to continue. "I…I know I must…"

"Look, she's made her choice, and no amount of my interference will change her mind, nor do I think this information will either."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked, the glimmer of hope nearly extinguished under an ocean of doubt.

"I don't know." I hated to admit it, but at times, she was as much a mystery to me as she was everyone else. "However, the lying she will not be pleased about."

He paced the dark room for a few seconds, pausing at the window to stare out at the stars, which we saw so infrequently. Memories flooded in and out, I didn't want to witness them anymore, as each one had a tragic and distinctive emotion attached to it. It tainted every thought, be it fleeting or enduring.

"There is so much I have done that I regret," he said unemotionally, though I could sense the tremendous guilt simmering in his consciousness. "I do not want to regret any of this."

This promise I believed above the others.

"Let me assure you, I don't want to either."


	2. Special Occasion

A/N: Hello all! Fair warning, this is an epic author's note. But I hardly ever write author's notes so it's okay.

This is the sequel to, hold on now, _Sasha_, _Revolution_, _Psycho_, & _Mess_. It's the fifth installment of the _Damn Imprinting_ _Series_. If you made it through all those stories then congratulations to you! And endless thanks for reading!

I wanted to get this story up on the one year anniversary of _Sasha_. Happy birthday to Sasha! I'm floored that _Sasha_ has had two award nominations in its lifespan thus far, and it has been validated on Twilighted. I'm tremendously thankful for each and every message or review.

As a little celebration for me, I wanted to post on this date, but unfortunately the story isn't completely pre-written, and posting before a story is nearly finished is actually a new thing for me. Completing stories is very important to me, but at the moment I don't have a schedule for posting chapters, so I'm asking you to have patience. Even though this is how most authors post…it makes me nervous!

By the way, this story hasn't been beta'd. Only _Sasha_ has been through the beta process thus far (because it's being posted on Twilighted, it's had quite a few changes in the process as well) and I don't want to wait till my betas get through four stories to get to this one before posting. That would be a very long wait. I apologize in advance for any typos!

Also, please **vote** for my entry in the Temptation Twilight Podcast **Art Contest**! It's entry #3, and is listed with my penname. You can find the links on my profile.

Finally, thanks to aschim, who started putting these ideas in my head when I thought I was completely done with this series. Blame her for this story.

Thanks for reading and enjoy!

This story takes place eight years and three months after the Epilogue of _Mess_.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Twilight_.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Changes_, by David Bowie.

**Black **

**Part I—Chapter I: Special Occasion **

We stepped through the threshold of our comfortable, precious, and isolated house. It was a place I had grown to love and cherish over the past few years. It had been expertly designed by my grandmother, Esme, and fit both of us perfectly. The focal point of the house was a large and breathtaking fireplace, which took up an entire wall of the living space. The opposite wall, and nearly every available surface, was covered with all of my books, arranged in a random and slightly unorganized manner. Luckily, the ceiling was high enough where we could have ten foot shelving and a sliding ladder, which ran the length of the wall. The ladder had become my favorite individual piece of furniture in the house, even if Jacob could have reached all the books without it. The furniture was mostly modern, yet comfortable and very easy to keep clean, which was necessary since we lived in the woods and constantly had dirt, dust, and sometimes small animals find their way in. We didn't own a television for obvious reasons. Besides the fact that Jacob and I couldn't handle watching T.V. together it would have encumbered the aesthetic of the room. We wouldn't have gotten a good signal anyway, living out in the sticks as we did. The colors were generally muted and reflected the grays and dark blues of the sky during a typical Washington rainstorm. The neutrals were broken up by paintings, mostly watercolors, done by me. I was usually too modest to hang them up for display, but Jacob said he enjoyed looking at them, so I indulged him.

The sound of my tall heels against the uneven flagstone floor of the foyer was painfully noticeable in the silence of the house. I set my keys and my program down on a side table. Above the table hung a large rectangular mirror where I took notice of the state of my outfit. I was wearing an adorable yet modest little black dress, the kind you could dress up or dress down for any occasion. I had paired it with a black cardigan and sparkly yet tasteful bracelet I had received as a gift from Aunt Rosalie and never worn before today. I busied myself by straightening my sweater and pushing my hair behind my ears. I could also see Jacob's reflection in the mirror. He was wearing a sleek black suit with a thin black tie against a dark blue shirt. The color of the shirt matched the sapphires in my bracelet. I had to have his suit custom tailored for him because he was so abnormally tall. I'd never seen Jake in a suit before and he looked positively beautiful. If only I could come up with more occasions for him to wear one.

I felt a cold draft move through the house. One of the things which kept the bills on this house miniscule was that we didn't need heat or air conditioning. Our body temperatures were constant no matter what. We of course had the heat and central air installed just in case a human were to visit; however, most of the time we just left it off and the draftiness usually didn't bother us terribly.

Today, I shuddered.

I glanced down onto the table where I had set my keys. A few moments went by as I stood there and allowed the overwhelming strangeness of the whole situation to pass over me. It wasn't completely foreign for either of us, yet at the same time, it wasn't familiar. Jake was standing completely still with his hands in his pockets. I was scared to make a move before he did. It was so quiet I easily heard slushy pacing outside the front door.

"My parents are here," I said automatically. They had probably been somewhere on the property when we drove up, but I wasn't paying attention enough to notice.

Jacob didn't move. "Ness, I don't think I can…" His sentence faded away as he stared down at the floor.

"It's okay," I said, turning toward him. He didn't look me in the eye or even acknowledge I was speaking. "Go upstairs. I'll be up soon," I assured him.

He didn't respond once again. He just obediently brushed past me and went up the stairs to the second floor. I compulsively straightened my dress once more and ran my fingers through my hair before I opened the door and walked onto the front porch. My parents were standing a few feet off, in the snow no less, and flew beside when they saw me come out. My mother embraced me before I could blink.

"Hi Mom, hi Dad," I said over my mother's shoulder. I hugged her just as tightly as she was holding me. It was one of those moments when I needed my mother more than anything and any desire I may have had for independence abruptly disappeared.

"Oh, Renesmee," my mother breathed into my ear. "We're so sorry we couldn't go to the service."

"It's okay. He understands," I whispered back to her.

"How is he?" she asked when she let me go. Before I could answer my father pulled me into a hug. I waited for him to release me before I responded.

"I'm not sure," I said truthfully.

"How are you?" my father asked.

"I'm…fine," I muttered. It may have been vague, but it was the best way to describe my current emotional state. Not to say I wasn't upset; however, I had more important priorities other than myself. "I just need to concentrate on Jake, except I don't even know what to say. I don't think I'm doing this right." It had been a tough few days and I wanted nothing more than to make it easier on Jacob. Yet, every time I was about to speak to him, I was at a loss.

"He may not need you to say anything. Just be there," my mother suggested as she touched my shoulder and pushed my hair behind it.

I nodded. That much I could do.

"Carlisle called last night," my father said, changing the subject. "He and the rest of the family send their love and sympathies."

I nodded again. I would have to call them back later.

"He wants us to come and visit, or perhaps stay a few months," he said next. A visit would be nice, but at the moment it felt like I was heavily tethered to the house.

"I don't know," I tried to explain. "I don't want to make Jake think about anything right now."

"Of course. Don't worry. Carlisle and the others will understand," my father assured me.

I noticed his eyes dart away from mine. He was looking down at my hands which were shaking. It _was_ cold out. A wet, snowy Washington December, but unfortunately it could not have been what was affecting me. My father took my hands and pulled me into another hug. My mother stood beside us and moved her hand tenderly along my back. My breathing hitched a few times, but I was able to calm myself. I didn't have time for this. I had more important things to do.

After a few gentle assurances I would be fine, I let them go, made a promise to call them, said a quick good-bye, and turned back into the house. I stopped at the mirror above the side table in the foyer a third time to check my make-up, especially my eyeliner. Then I kicked off my noisy shoes and silently hurried up the stairs.

The bedroom was only a few feet from the top of the stair. The size of it was average because the entire house was fairly small, yet it was still comfortable and contained one of the best mattresses on the face of the planet.

I found Jacob lying on the bed, still fully clothed. He even had his shoes on. His back was to me. He was on his side and facing a band of ribbon windows that let in a view of the incredible, untouched landscape. I took off my cardigan and hung it in the closet. Then, quietly as I could manage, I straightened up the room a bit by throwing socks in the hamper and putting a few stray towels back in the bathroom. The last thing he needed to worry about was clutter.

Once I finished my little ritual stall, I sat down on my side of the bed and pulled my knees toward my chest. I didn't speak. I tried not to breathe too audibly. Jacob's breathing was so shallow I wondered if he had fallen asleep. We stayed this way for several minutes and I concluded he must be asleep, but I didn't lean over to confirm it.

I felt my body begin to relax against the pillows and closed my eyes. I hadn't slept well in several nights and neither had Jacob. A moment later I heard the shuffling of fabric. I opened my eyes to find him pulling himself across the bed and onto my lap. He clutched my hips and my pressed his ear against my stomach. I couldn't see his eyes, but I could feel the dampness seeping through my dress. I didn't say anything then either. I let my hands run through his hair and down his neck gently. I hoped this would be enough.

A/N: You are highly encouraged to speculate! What did you think of the Prologue? And please vote in the Art Contest. Thanks!


	3. And My Time was Running Wild

A/N: Hello all! I was going to wait a week before I posted again, but I failed. Patience is not one of my virtues. And, oh my God, school starts in a week. I'm both excited and terrified, as it is my last year of school, ever.

Please remember to vote (preferably for me) in the Art Contest over on the Temptation Twilight Podcast site. I don't know if there is a limit on how many times you can vote, but I know the voting closes **Wednesday, September 2nd**. If you haven't voted at all yet, please do! The links are on my profile. Thanks! I sent that podcast an email, which they read a portion of in the last episode, about Nessie and how she's ignored in the fandom, but sadly, they didn't seem to care much about the topic (go figure). So they didn't discuss anything. Oh well.

Thanks to aschim, JacobAPotter, Fonzie'sGirl, AugustFirst, neesho, & Nic0408 for dropping me a line! It was great and so humbling to see people come back for the continuation of the series.

And special thanks to aschim for all her words of encouragement. And for providing me with my first ever "WTF?" review. That was hysterical. Anyway, on with the story.

Jacob's POV

**Chapter II: And My Time was Running Wild **

I could count the number of times I had woken up in Nessie's arms. There would never be enough times. For a few fleeting moments when I peered up at her from my hooded eyes I felt nothing but content. Here she was, the most mutually beautiful and infuriating woman I knew, wrapped together with me in our own bed, in our own home. She was sleeping with a look of tranquility on her face; so exhausted she wasn't even dreaming. On more than one occasion I would be woken up in the middle of the night by her dreams. She didn't talk in her sleep like her mother did so many years ago, but Nessie didn't need to talk. Depending on the dream, it felt like someone was shouting at me, and I'd wake up disorientated, my head confused as to which thoughts were my own. Karma, I guess, after "shouting" so many inappropriate things into Edward's head. After being awoken, I'd usually spend a few minutes watching her sleep. I'd eventually surrender to sleep again only to find myself tangled up with her for a second time in the morning. My subconscious must have wanted me to be physically connected with her more than it wanted a peaceful rest.

I moved my thumb back and forth over the fabric of her dress that covered her hip when I abruptly remembered the clothing I was wearing. It was a custom black suit, elegant and expensive, and I was wearing it as pajamas. I carefully pulled myself away from Nessie, she needed her sleep as well, and quickly peeled the suit from my body and left it in a pile on the floor. I went through my dresser and threw on the first pair of jeans and t-shirt I found. I glanced at the offensive pile of symbolic black fabric on the floor and instantly despised it. I wanted to throw it away or burn it, but it _was_ very expensive, and Nessie had it made special for me. Besides, if I left it there I'd have to pick it up later and I did not want to think about that damn suit ever again. I found the bag it came in hanging in the closet and I returned each item carefully despite the fact it was severely wrinkled. As I zipped up the garment bag I knew I'd never wear it again. It could sit in my closet forever, but I'd never wear at it again.

Thankfully, Nessie had not been awoken by my movements, and with a final glimpse at her I left the room and went downstairs.

I knew she had been struggling for the last few days, trying to have some strength during the situation. She'd done better than she believed she had. She kept people away when I didn't want to talk, which was pretty much always, she organized the service with help from Charlie and Sue, and she said nothing this morning when all I could do was cry into her lap. I had never needed her like this before and the feeling was strange for me. I had always known she was strong, but I had also never thought of myself as weak. For her to just hold me this morning and do nothing but allow me to wallow in my grief…imprinting be damned, but she could be everything I needed too.

The sleep managed to reenergize me and I was too wound up to stand still. I awkwardly paced around the kitchen and the living room a few times until inexplicably I found myself outside. I wasn't all that surprised by this. I had always been drawn to the outdoors. Whenever I suffered through doubt or depression I liked to run, or hunt, or do something physical. It was chilly outside, but the cold didn't trouble me and I continued walking. I didn't even bother to put a pair of shoes on. The slushy snow melted against my hot skin with each step, and I began to relax into the movements of my body. My overwhelming thoughts began to drift away while I focused on nothing but the ground before me. Without thinking, I ran through the clearing, through the woods, and to wherever my instincts were leading me. I wasn't really paying attention. The familiar pull in my stomach – the impulse to phase – began to build within me. It inched from my stomach to my chest and eventually begged my mind to allow it to consume me entirely. My muscles contracted with the rush of adrenaline and I was nearly ready to let the impulse swallow me, when I heard a scream – a little girl's scream, in fact. It snapped me out of my trance, sending my instincts into a different set of alertness. Instinctively, I turned toward the sound, but my senses were immediately reduced when I overheard the source of the screaming.

"Jordan! Stop it!"

"You started it!"

I recognized the voices right away. It was Seth's little girls, Jordan and Abby. My mind had been so numb while I ran I hadn't even realized I was near their house.

I jogged a ways until I was standing along the edge between the woods and the Clearwater's backyard. Jordan was throwing wet snowballs at her sister. She was the oldest and usually the instigator. She was also my goddaughter, and evidently, I wasn't always a good influence on her. Both of them were completely soaked, so at least Abby was getting some retaliation shots in.

I stood motionless in my place observing the sweet, mischievous children. Part of me wanted to stop their fighting while another part of me wanted to join in. While standing there, I unfortunately witnessed Jordan nail her six-year-old sister in the face with one of her dripping snowballs. Abby wasn't seriously hurt, but she cried instantaneously. I took few steps from my hiding space moving towards them, but before I could reach them, their mother, Anna, had opened the back door and yelled at her child,

"Jordan! I saw you! Get in here now!" Of course, mothers saw everything.

"Mom! She did the exact same thing to me!" the oldest girl complained.

"I know what happened, Jordan," the mother assured her whining daughter. "Abby, you can't play in a snowball fight and expect to not get hit." The littlest girl's crying faded away as most of it was for sympathy and she realized she wasn't going to get it from her mother, not when she wasn't really hurt. "And Jordan, you shouldn't throw heavy ice balls at her face. She's six, you're almost ten, you should know better!" Anna scolded her oldest daughter.

Jordan went silent, but made sure to dramatically huff as she passed her mother on her way inside. Abby followed behind her, wiping the last of her tears away. Anna watched her children walk into the house and just when she was about to follow them inside, she did a double-take when she noticed me standing in her backyard dressed in only jeans and a t-shirt.

"Jacob? What are you…? Are you alright?" Anna asked in a hurried and concerned voice.

I was completely caught up in eavesdropping on the family moment and hadn't realized what a strange sight I would be. After what happened this morning, to now be standing barefoot in someone's backyard, Anna probably thought I had lost it. "I'm fine, Anna," I replied hastily.

She walked out of the house with only a pair of slippers on her feet, and was beside me as quickly as she could manage without slipping on the ice and slush. "What can I get you? Do you want to come inside?" she asked hurriedly. She must not have believed my comment about being fine. "Would you like to talk to Seth?" she asked me with earnest. Anna was a wonderful wife and mother; caring, smart, sometimes gentle, other times tough as nails, yet she was always ready and willing to help her loved ones. "Please, come in," she insisted as she began to push against my shoulder.

I wanted to swear I was fine and walk away, but I didn't seem to be able to find the strength to fight against her. She tugged on my arm and walked me through the back door. The girls were still removing their boots and winter coats in the entryway. Both of them smiled immediately when they saw me. I was glad I could at least remove the scowl from Jordan's face with my presence.

"Jacob!" they screamed in unison.

"Hi girls," I murmured back.

"Uh-huh, don't even start," Anna chastised both her children. "You're both going into the kitchen and helping me with dinner. Jacob is just here to see Daddy," she recited in a perfect "mom" voice. The girls recognized her serious tone and obediently headed into the kitchen. "Seth! Come here please!" Anna yelled next. A moment later, her voice softened and she turned back to me. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can get you?"

"No, nothing." I hadn't even said I wanted to talk to Seth, but even under her human grasp, she wouldn't have let me escape the house without a glass of water at least.

She smiled as best she could and hugged around my midsection. I had the worst sense of déjà vu and couldn't bring myself to do more than pat her on the back. She had done the exact same thing only hours ago…when I had been wearing that damn suit. She was releasing me when Seth joined us in the small foyer.

"Jake, hey man," he said as he opened his arms to pull me into a hug. He glanced dubiously over at Anna and then back to me. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is…" I couldn't find a way to finish the sentence. "Fine" was such a stupid word.

"Why don't you two sit and I'll bring you something to drink," Anna said, turning in the direction of the kitchen.

I followed Seth into the dining room, leaving wet footprints behind on the wood floor. Under normal circumstances Anna would be absolutely livid with me. Both of us took a chair at the table.

"So, rough day?" he began.

"Something like that," I muttered.

"I know it, man. It was too awful for words for me too. I miss him every damn day."

I leaned my elbows against the table and stared, though I wasn't looking at anything in particular. Once again, I allowed my mind to become enveloped in distraction, even in an inert state. Although there were no words spoken between Seth and me, the house wasn't exactly quiet. From the living room I could hear the muffled sounds of a basketball game on the television, which Seth had evidently neglected to turn off when he left the room. Jordan was complaining to her mother about how she didn't like potatoes anymore and Abby was whining about how she wanted chicken nuggets instead of fish sticks. Anna was humming to herself and impressively ignoring her children's complaints as she attended to something sizzling on the stove. Finally, there was also the sound of coffee gurgling, which had begun only moment ago; it must have been the drink Anna was planning on serving.

I was pulled out of my diversion when Seth shifted in his seat awkwardly. I wondered if he had anticipated I would come to see him or if he had prepared some words of wisdom for me. He was one of my closest friends, he had grown into a kind and respectable man, and he had gone through what I had just gone through this morning. However, I never intended on going to see him. Instead, I was searching for a way to cool my troubled mind by falling into the familiarity of running and the drug-like effect of tuning my body to nature. I had even tried to do that in the few moments I'd been sitting here. Worried I'd come off like a whack-job if I continued sitting here in complete silence, I took control of my head once again and quickly changed the subject.

"Your girls change every time I see them." It was the obvious subject to switch to; every parent loves to talk about their kids.

"You're telling me. The amount of clothes two girls can go through is astounding to me. And of course Abby _would_ be a tomboy who refuses to wear the dresses Jordan hands down to her," Seth said with a simultaneously proud and annoyed smile.

"Do you think they have it?" I changed the subject yet again. I don't know what made me bring it up. The synapses in my brain were firing in a very strange pattern. I wanted to talk about anything other than…this morning.

"Jake, we don't have to talk about this now," Seth said quietly.

"I know you've all been thinking about it for some time. Even without phasing I know you guys are thinking about it."

There had been a wedding every summer in La Push for several years, and not long after that there was a baby shower every six months. For years, there was nothing but joy and good news on the reservation as my generation was coming into adulthood and experiencing the indescribable joy of marrying their loved ones or seeing their children come into the world. As time passed, the overall feelings of bliss on the reservation became tainted by something else. Everyone was still celebrating their children's small achievements: the first day of school, the first home run, the first piano recital, the first "A" on a test, but with each passing year their fears grew. They were all afraid one day their sons or daughters might throw a tantrum and instantly their childhoods would be over. Their children would display their true natures and be forced to consent to the destiny we had all accepted twenty years ago.

Seth sighed loudly and thought momentarily before speaking. "Some of us are a little nervous. Sam's boys are nearly teenagers, and like you said, my girls change a little bit every time I look at them. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach to think about," his eyes tightened and his hands formed into fists for a brief second. Seth actually had less to fear than the other parents on the reservation as it was highly unlikely his daughters would inherit the wolf gene. Girls seemed less likely in general, but more importantly, Anna _wasn't_ his imprint. They went to high school together and fell in love like any couple would, but we knew from hearing his thoughts he never experienced the overwhelming pull to her the rest of us had with our mates. At the time, we let it go because they were only in high school and it was likely they would break-up eventually, especially with the looming threat of imprinting hanging over them. But months went by and they fell more in love and the imprinting never happened. The months which followed were rough on us as a pack as we were forced to encourage him to end it, but to his credit, he refused. They were married, bought a house, and had two amazing daughters. I often wondered how the two of them handled the prospect of his remaining potential to imprint. Even though Jordan and Abby's slim odds granted their parents some reassurance, there was always a chance.

"You know I don't want it to happen to them, to any of them," I muttered under my breath. As the Alpha, I was supposed to be a leader in the community. I should have been a better guide to Seth and explained if his daughters, or Sam's sons, or Paul's kids, or Jared's, or anyone else's transformed, there was a reason for it. They were meant to protect the tribe. Then again, I couldn't deny how bitter I had been about phasing during my youth or how dangerous the lifestyle could be. It made my heart ache to imagine my goddaughter or my nieces and nephews in any kind of danger.

"Plus, Anna, Emily, Kim, and the other wives, they've been talking," Seth said in a whisper.

"I've heard that too." I'd actually heard about it through gossip of all things, not through the thoughts of my pack.

"They all love Nessie, and they even love Bella and Edward," Seth explained, "but they want their husbands back, and they're afraid for their children." All the wives, except for Claire, had past the 30 year mark long ago, and while that wasn't old, their husbands all remained physically in their twenties. I didn't blame them for their fears, growing old with your spouse was something that was _supposed_ to happen.

"I'll tell Bella and Edward," I said bluntly.

"This is complicated, Jake. They're my family too. Bella is my step-sister for God's sake."

"They're my in-laws. And I'm the Alpha." As if that meant anything anymore.

Seth paused to give some respect to my statement of authority. He respected the hierarchy of the pack more than anyone else in the tribe, more than I did sometimes. As a kid, he may have wanted to be a beta or an alpha, but as he aged and especially after his first child was born, he understood the responsibility and risks of such a position. After you become a parent, you stop putting yourself in dangerous situations because you can't risk your child losing their mother or father. Being an alpha always included such a risk.

"You know, it's been two years for Leah, three for Sam."

"How long has it been for you?"

"Six months I think."

"You think, or you know?" There had been little to no danger in the area since the pack's encounter with the last of the Volturi eight years ago. And by and by, we phased less and less. As most of us were fathers now we had gained the patience and wisdom which comes from parenthood, and consequently our emotions were far easier to keep in check.

I was still phasing.

"Jacob…this is Nessie's home as much as it is yours. It's Bella's and Edward's. And after what has just happened…"

"It's time," I said with authority as I stood up from the table. I noticed Anna standing in the doorway of the dining room holding two mugs of coffee. I gave her a nod and she offered me one back, her eyes full of sympathy. "Say goodbye to the girls for me."


	4. A Million Dead End Streets

A/N: So, it seems I'm bumming some people out. I'm afraid this chapter is not going to cheer you up.

Also, myself, and my beta volunteered to do a character analysis of Nessie for The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster. I've read my fair share of Nessie stories, but I'm hoping you guys can send me some rec's! What's your favorite Nessie story?

Thanks to Dilidilzz86, JacobAPotter, & aschim for writing reviews!

**Chapter III: A Million Dead-End Streets**

When I woke up from my impromptu nap, it was dusk. Jacob wasn't in bed and instantly panic began to percolate through my bloodstream. I got up as fast as my sleepy limps would allow, and unfortunately, in the process I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror above my dresser. My perfect little black dress was a wrinkled mess, and only a trip to the dry cleaners would repair it. My hair was flat on one side and frizzy on the other and my eyes bared too great a resemblance to that of a raccoon. As much as I wanted to fly out of the room in search of Jacob, I feared my appearance would remind him of the service this morning, and I didn't want to overwhelm him. Hastily, I shook out my lopsided hair with my fingers, and then used a tissue to wipe away the smudges of eyeliner that had spread while I was asleep. I removed my disheveled clothing and changed into a comfortable pair of yoga pants and a white t-shirt and threw the tear-stained dress into the hamper. It was such a pretty dress; one I had loved down to the stitch, but there was something off-putting about it now. The memory attached to it was too distinct, and I doubted I would want to wear it again. I really doubted Jacob would want to see me in it again. I would still get it cleaned and probably donate it to charity. Before I left the room, I noticed Jacob's beautiful suit was hanging in the closet in a clear garment bag. He was usually terrible about putting his clothes away. He'd rather buy new clothes than do laundry, and Aunt Alice often used the opportunity to spoil him. He wouldn't want to wear it again either. I'd give it to charity as well.

I hurried down the stairs in search of Jacob. A breath of relief escaped from my body when I found him safely sitting at the peninsula portion of the countertop between the kitchen and the living space. When was the last time he'd eaten? At some point, I should have learned how to cook. Jacob was actually the one to do most of the cooking because I still preferred hunting. My mother tried to teach me some fundamentals a week after Jacob and I moved into the Doghouse – that is, our house. However, she _thought_ she remembered more than she actually _did_, and she gave up twenty minutes in because the smell of raw eggs really disturbed her. Consequently, microwave cooking and frozen food was all I could do at the moment. Luckily, my skills would be of some use because the refrigerator was stocked with food brought over by sympathetic visitors.

I walked around to the opposite side of the peninsula so I was facing Jacob and leaned onto the counter. Jacob's head was hanging down below his shoulders and he didn't look up at me. He kept staring downward at the countertop, as if he hadn't even heard me enter the room. The beautiful dark gray granite was very cold to the touch, but neither one of us developed any goose bumps.

The air felt thick with uncertainty, and as much as I did not want to give off a vibe of anxiety, I still wasn't sure how to help Jacob in this situation. I figured I should start by focusing on the essentials.

"Are you hungry?" I asked. His breath quickened in a short and nearly unnoticeable gasp while his eyes flickered up and caught mine for one brief moment. Did I just _scare_ him? That was unusual. He must have been deeply distracted, so much so he was ignoring his senses.

"No," he answered.

Okay…now what? I had never felt so completely inept in my life. Jacob had helped me through similar situations three different times. He had always been the one to comfort me – something he happened to be exceptional at – and it wasn't only because of the imprinting. He had an enormous heart, and he had been doing this sort of thing long before I was around. Why was I having such a difficult time doing the same for him? Given my history, I shouldn't have been surprised. This wasn't really anything new. During the few times in my life when I was required to be a sympathetic ear, I wasn't very good at it. The comforting thing just didn't seem to come naturally to me, and I really wished Uncle Jasper was around to help. Jacob still wasn't looking at me, so I must have been doing this wrong.

"I don't need you to do anything, Ness," he mumbled, interrupting my internal dilemma.

No…this wasn't happening. Here he was, naturally grieving, and he still looked for ways to make _me_ more comfortable. That just wasn't fair. I didn't want him to think about me because if he continued to do that he'd never get a chance to heal. Stupid imprinting.

"Don't do that," I commanded. I could even make comforting into an argument with him. I was gifted. "You don't have to be the strong one. I'm going to be here for you, I just don't how to do it." Why did I admit to that? It wasn't helpful at all.

"Just tell me everything is going to be okay," Jacob said sadly.

"You _are_ going to be okay," I tried to respond with more confidence. "He loved you so much and he was so proud of you. You are a good son." He had heard those words a hundred times today. Would it make any difference coming from me?

"I tried to be," he said into the countertop once again.

Voluntarily or involuntarily, who knows, I reached for his hand and attempted to flash a few happy memories of his father between us. The moment my thoughts touched his, Jacob pulled his hand away, as if my touch had burned him.

"Sorry," I said quickly. The silence that followed was crushing. How many ways could I screw this up?

"I'm not…ready…for that yet," he said quietly.

"Okay," I responded, still an apologetic tone in my voice. Billy's death wasn't exactly sudden. His health had been deteriorating for several years, but he did his best to hide it. Most people were fooled by his positive attitude and lack of complaints. Jacob, who had lived with Billy until eight years ago when the Doghouse was completed, had spent almost every day with his father, checking his medications, taking him places, doing everything he could to make sure he was taken care of. To be honest, Billy was annoyed by Jacob a third of the time, but during the other two-thirds he was clearly grateful for his son's devotion. I was amazed by it. Despite Billy's endless optimism, Jacob must have envisioned this very day. It didn't mean it hurt any less.

"Thanks." He sighed.

What is God's name was he thanking _me_ for? How I had managed to finally stop upsetting him further than he already was? God…damn it…I was a failure at life.

We were quiet for several moments and I gave up deciding on what to do next. It would probably be wrong anyway.

Jacob rested his chin in against one of his large hands and finally allowed me to see his face. I expected him to be despondent or sorrowful, but instead he looked contemplative. I hoped he wasn't hiding something for my benefit.

"How much do you love this house?" he asked.

Huh? What a random question. I tried my best not to overanalyze the change of subject and answered after a few seconds passed. "I've always loved this house."

"Ha! You did not always love it," he playfully argued. Seeing a smile on his face made my heart soar. I did my best to match the light-heartedness of his banter.

"Well, when it was a run-down shack, no, I didn't love it." Who would have? "Why do you ask?"

"It may be time, Ness." His voice was plain and serious, as if he had said something obvious or expected, but I didn't understand what he was getting at.

"Time for what?" I asked, looking for more clarification.

"Time to leave," he said. His expression was flat, emotionless – something I would have expected from my father. I pushed myself off the icy counter so I was standing up straight. Because he was leaning forward with his chin in his hand he was actually a little shorter than me, which was good because I felt the familiar compulsion to start yelling at him and something about having a higher vantage point was encouraging.

"What are you talking about?" I asked slowly, attempting to keep the volume of my voice reasonable.

"I'm talking about leaving La Push, leaving Forks," he explained. That much I had gathered despite the look of confusion on my face.

"Why?"

"Ness, there's nothing for us here." He pushed himself off the counter, so even though he was sitting on a stool, he was taller than me again. His size didn't really intimidate me; I would just get a sore neck having to stare up at him all the time.

"Okay, just stop right there," I ordered. "I don't want you making any decisions right now, especially any life-altering decisions. It's been a long day and it's a very bad time to be thinking about stuff like that." That was all this was. He'd had a difficult day, the most difficult day he might ever have. He was just out-of-sorts with his thoughts. God knows I've done crazy things during times of depression.

"This isn't the first time I've thought of it," he said, negating everything I had just been thinking. If he wanted to have a discussion, then fine, he was in for a discussion.

"So what exactly are you trying to tell me? I need you to explain your line of thinking because this is all new to me," I said with a well-known adversarial edge. It was quite common to find such an edge in my voice when we were fighting. I didn't want to start a fight right now and I couldn't help feeling a bit of regret beginning to form in the pit of my stomach. Fighting was probably not the best way to comfort someone. My only defense, although a pitiful one, was that he was asking for it!

"It's what I said. I think it's time to leave," he repeated.

"And what about the pack?" I demanded. He had yet to give me an actual reason for changing our entire lives. His half-answers spurred my irritation.

"The pack has disbanded."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"They want to stop. They're ready to stop. They want to make their families their priority. Most of them have already done so." This topic came up quite a lot when the wives would get together. They never talked about it around me; Claire was actually the one to tell me about it. We bonded when she hit her late teenage years since I was the only one close to her in age, and she was really bad at keeping secrets. I loved her like a sister, but I was sure never to tell her any of mine.

"I see. Don't forget _you_ are a part of their families," I argued while goose bumps began to form on my skin. Fighting was an adrenaline rush for the two of us. "What about your nieces and nephews? What about your sister and Paul? How many kids are you a godfather to? They need you as Jacob, not as the Alpha," I insisted. He adored his god-kids and his nieces and nephews. It would kill him to have to leave them.

"You know I care about them more than I do myself. That's why I'm suggesting this. Ness, they're _your_ nieces and nephews too, would you want them to be what I am?"

"Jacob, that's a stupid question and you know it," I spat back at him.

"Because you know what's best for them too. You don't want them to face the same dangers I have."

"Just because I don't want them to be in danger doesn't mean—"

"It will always mean danger," he interrupted. "Phasing, being a werewolf, this life, will always be dangerous. I'm not going to give them the responsibility if I don't have to." His face was rigid, decided. It didn't matter if I fought him on this one.

Our journey towards understanding the difference between fate and choice had been a long and not entirely conclusive one. Jacob's life before mine seemed as though it had been leading up to my arrival. Had he not become a werewolf, an Alpha, he wouldn't be with me. We couldn't be together because if he were merely human, there would have always been a risk that I would hurt him; not to mention he probably would never have had so many connections with my family in the first place. Sometimes the coincidences seemed impossible, at other times unfair, and still at other times, completely overwhelming and wonderful. However, Jacob also seemed to firmly believe that imprinting was a completely animalistic process, separate from his emotions; therefore, loving me had been a choice. Yet, I firmly believed had he not imprinted on me, he would have always hated me for taking my mother away from him. It was a difficult compromise to accept, and we were forced to become believers in both fate and choice. I couldn't help feeling that leaving La Push in order to prevent the children from phasing was blatantly fighting against fate. Being wolves was a part of their heritage and a part of the reason Jake and I were together. However, I also understood the anxiety all of the mothers were feeling. Jacob and the pack had risked their lives over and over again throughout their years as wolves. As teens, they were cocky as hell, but as parents they had become cautious and responsible. I loved their kids too and would gladly put their lives before mine. I couldn't disagree with Jacob.

My adrenaline rush had dwindled to almost nothing, and unfortunately, this topic was too serious to create the electric current that would usually fuse us together when we fought. We were only three feet apart, but I had never felt further from him, not in the last eight years at least. Jacob didn't have much of an expression on his face. The best way I could describe it would be…empty. Honestly, he hadn't been arguing with me at all. He was saying truthful things and because I didn't like what I was hearing I reacted like a child. Still, even my tantrum hadn't set him off. Once again, when it came to emotional maturity, I was still lacking.

"What about my parents?" I asked, my voice now steady. My parents were still living in their cottage on the Cullen estate so my mother could stay nearby Charlie and so the two of them could stay near me.

Jacob sighed again and folded his broad arms against his chest. "They have to leave too. Technically, they're not in breach of the treaty. It'll be more a sign of good will if they agree." Not long after the straggling Volturi members, Sarah, Noah, and Matthew, attacked Jacob and I not far from the reservation, there was a slight backlash against my family. The pack didn't distrust my family, but they decided they needed the boundary that prevented the Cullens and any other vampire from coming onto their land. I was appalled at first, but then realized, if an unknown vampire were to ever wander onto Quileute land, the wolves had to have the option to protect themselves. Just because they trusted my family it didn't mean all vampires were trustworthy, and if they spent any time second guessing themselves they seriously risked getting hurt. The original treaty Jacob's ancestors and Carlisle came up with was put back into place. It was the reason my parents couldn't go to Billy's funeral. There was one exception to the original treaty; because I was imprinted upon, I was also considered part of the tribe and the only remotely vampire-like creature who was allowed on the reservation. Soon to be the only creature who might turn a bunch of children into wolves.

"My mother won't leave. She cares too much for Charlie," I said.

"Your parents can move back in with Carlisle and Esme in Canada. They don't live so far that Charlie can never go visit Bella," Jacob replied gently. Carlisle had really been pushing his age by the time he and Esme regretfully left Forks. My aunts and uncles would usually go back and forth between Carlisle's place outside Vancouver and Forks. My parents were basically hermits, only coming out to see Charlie or me. To be blunt, they didn't really mind it that way.

"So what if we do leave, where are we supposed to go?" I snapped when a second wind of adversarial energy came upon me.

"Talk to Alina lately?" Jacob asked with his head cocked to the side.

"Why?" I asked with an embarrassingly obvious upward inflection.

"She's been asking you to come on full time for a while now, hasn't she?"

My jaw dropped. _God_, had he thought of everything? I didn't even live with my parents anymore and I still couldn't manage to keep a damn thing quiet. "I can't believe she told you that," I muttered under my breath.

"She didn't," Jacob said in defense of my best friend. If she didn't mention it, then who did? It took me less than a second to realize.

"Rye?" I asked. Jacob didn't even have to respond. Of course it was Rye. He and Jacob had gotten far too close for my own good; now they were in cahoots with each other. "I'm going to kill that kid. I don't care if he is Alina's husband or if he is a thousand times faster than I am. I will catch him. I've done it before." I folded my arms against my stomach as I visualized a hundred ways in which to trap the overly fragranced vampire.

"If it's what you want."

"It's not important," I argued back. I had been working with the Council in a small capacity, but in the last six months, Alina had been requesting over and over that I work full time. Part of me did want it, despite the number of unpleasant experiences I had accumulated in Romania, plus I had a responsibility to Jacob, to my family.

"Ness–" Jacob whined.

"Jake, this is your home, this is my home," I quickly interrupted. "This is _our_ house. We built it together, remember? Or at least, we watched it get built together," I said with a smile. I was done fighting. I was ready for the post-argument stage when we held one another and repeated how we couldn't live without the other, even if it were to mean less stress for both of us.

"I remember," he replied.

"We don't have to go anywhere." My fingers twitched with the impulse to take his hands in mine, but I hesitated. I didn't want to mentally burn him again.

"Ness, the last eight years have been about me."

"I wanted it–" I began.

"I know you wanted it that way and you don't know how much I appreciate it," Jacob said with conviction, his muscles completely relaxed. He leaned forward onto the counter again, staring down onto the chilly stone. "But my reasons for staying; well…I had to take care of my dad, and I had to take care of the pack. Those things are…" his words faded in and out, his conviction lost amongst his grief.

Oh, how desperately I wanted to hold him. This must have been sympathy finally kicking in. I couldn't bring myself to move though; my touch would only hurt him if I let the wrong thing slip by.

"It's time for something new," he finished.

"So, we're never coming back? We're never setting foot in Forks again?" I asked. It sounded very dramatic when I said it out loud. It was also unfathomable. I glanced around our house while a thousand beautiful memories formed in my vast canvas of a mind. I had loved our life here. It had brought the two of us into a closeness I never could have predicted – something that would break my heart and crack my soul to lose.

"I'm not going to do that to them," Jacob said in a low voice, his conviction returned.

I thought it best to wait for him to open his arms to me. He didn't.

A/N: Don't forget, what _is _your favorite Nessie story? Let me know!


	5. Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

A/N: It's happy fun time with KC once again…or not. I never was big on leaving author's notes, but I've never really done true serial posting before, and let me say, the best part is conversing with you guys. That's really fun.

So, new question for all you lovely readers: what are your greatest pet peeves for Nessie characterizations in fan fiction? What would you warn an author not to do when writing the little plot-hole? A couple examples I have heard: spelling her name wrong or making her an idealized Mary-Sue.

Thanks to aschim, dracodarling, JacobAPotter, cocolin, Nic0408, Hands-onu22, & Fonzie'sGirl for writing reviews and leaving rec's! And thanks to We are Human for writing a ton of reviews and staying up till four in the morning reading my stories!

**Chapter IV: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes**

So, within the course of a day, well, actually, within the course of a nap, Jacob had managed to decide our entire future. And I wasn't happy about it. Not only was the idea of leaving the only home I'd ever known upsetting to me, but he had decided all this without my input. Okay, so we weren't the world's most conventional couple, and we had our fair share of problems when it came to communication. We fought too much, probably because I had some kind of sick, masochistic need to fight with him, and he was supposed to give me what I needed. Talk about screwed up imprinting. Our relationship would have been a gold mine for a therapist to analyze; if only one existed in the supernatural world. But still, love and some pretty harrowing experiences brought us together, and time fused our bond to something I believed to be unbreakable. We were supposed to be a team moving down a shared and mutually decided upon path. Instead, we moved through tragedy after tragedy without a plan as to where we were going, making decisions without the other.

Jacob and I didn't speak a word to each other after our discussion on leaving Forks. We silently sulked in separate rooms of the house; at least, I was sulking. I didn't know what he was doing. He stayed upstairs while I remained in the living room, festering in my anger and confusion. I didn't want to talk to him when I felt so upset; screaming at someone on the day of their father's funeral had to be the most grotesquely insensitive thing imaginable. Too bad I'd already done it. When I finally calmed myself down enough to the point where I was sure I wouldn't start up another fight, I went up to our bedroom to find Jacob asleep on the bed. I sat in the room with him for a while, becoming hypnotized by the steady swell and descent of his broad chest. While sitting with him, I found myself shedding real, heart wrenching tears for the first time since hearing about Billy's death. I was broken-hearted when I found out because I loved him very much; but with all the funeral plans I hadn't been alone with my thoughts long enough since then to realize the depth of Jacob's loss, of our loss.

Jacob anxiously fisted the fabric of the sheets a few times while he slept; maybe reaching out for me, maybe not. Truly, I loved him, needed him, and wanted to help him. If only I could also get rid of the uneasy fear I had about leaving home.

Unable and unwilling to sleep without solving this problem, I ran to the arms of my nearest pseudo-therapist, my mom. My father agreed to leave us, after some prodding from my mother, to give both of us some private girl time; although, listening to the two of us argue over Jacob was one of my father's least favorite activities anyway.

"Mom, you talk to him. He'll listen to you," I yelled as I waved my arms in the air in a senseless and directionless gesture. It was very late, around two in the morning. Between the nap and the discussion with Jacob I was too wound up to be as tired as I should have been.

"Why would he listen to me?" she asked. She was sitting on a sofa in the cottage, very still and calm. I was pacing around the room yelling at her like a lunatic. My father might as well been in the room.

"You know…you're his best friend," I struggled to explain. Here was yet another situation that I would love to hear a therapist analyze. The love of my life was my mother's best friend and former boyfriend – sort of. It was something I couldn't change or forget. It was just one of the things that had brought Jacob to me. Still, I did my best to repress that little piece of disturbing history.

"Renesmee, this has nothing to do with me," she said gently.

"Of course it does. He says you and Dad have to leave too," I retorted while I waited for the fury to erupt. Instead, she leaned back in her seat and sighed. Where was the passionate rage I was expecting?

"I know. Emily and I have talked about it."

I stopped in my tracks. I thought for sure she would be surprised by this, if not upset. "What? How long has this discussion been going on?" I questioned.

"A few years, I suppose. Right after Sammy was born actually," she recalled. Sammy was the oldest of Sam and Emily's sons, at age twelve. He was followed by Micah, and then Caleb. Sammy was the spitting image of Sam in both looks and personality. He was always the leader in the games of "Pack" he would play with his brothers and the other kids on reservation. It was basically reverse tag; where everyone is "it" except for one person who is chased by everyone else. They liked it best when either Jacob or I was the person being chased. We always let ourselves get caught and never let them see us move too quickly, it was easy with our exceptional senses, but they were still amazed at how we were able to move through the forest and virtually appear out of thin air. However, the parents hated the game. It left them with far too many feelings of discomfort.

"But you're not allowed on the reservation," I reminded her.

"They do have phones, dear." Right…stupid not-so-modern technology.

"Claire only mentioned it to me a couple years ago," I muttered while settling myself roughly on the sofa beside her.

"Claire?"

"You know Claire can't keep a secret. The wives don't talk to me about everything. It's like being the boss's wife."

"Yes, dear, but you should have realized the wives don't tell Claire everything either." Huh…here I was thinking I had someone on the inside when really I was just the last person to know anything.

"So, what exactly am I supposed to convince Jacob of?" she asked, switching the topic back to something more relevant.

"He's talking about leaving Forks forever," I said like the answer was obvious, which I believed it was.

"And?"

"And you're okay with this?" I asked with a twinge of shock in my voice. I expected her to be as uneasy about this transition as I was. My parents _never_ left Forks, not unless it was an emergency. Sure, they talked about the places they wanted to eventually visit. My father especially wanted to give his wife a personalized tour of the earth's greatest monuments and wonders, but she would rather stay home, determined not to miss a thing.

"It's not a matter of whether or not I'm 'okay' with it. Again, your situation has nothing to do with me. To be honest, I'm a little surprised at your reaction," she said with an amused smile.

"Why?"

"Maybe because you put us through hell trying to get you to stick around, and now you're fighting your hardest to stay."

I stood up again, fueled by the infuriating accuracy of her claim. "Okay, okay, so I'm an enormous contradiction," I shouted. Immediately following my loud declaration I could have sworn I heard a laugh from somewhere outside the living room window.

"And a little dramatic. So much like your father," she said with exasperation and a grin. Her statement was followed by an even more obvious and distinctive laugh floating in from the direction of the backyard. Why even bother with the privacy charade?

"We all know by now that my inconsistent behavior is to be expected," I continued to shout. "Can we just deal with the problem at hand?"

"Fine," she conceded. "I am going to miss Forks very much, and Charlie, and all of our friends on the reservation, but this is Jacob's decision. I think we should respect it."

"Jacob didn't even talk to me about this. He just decided," I scoffed.

"I can see where that would be frustrating; _believe me_, I understand that completely," she emphasized, "but Jacob is facing a very difficult time right now."

"That's just it! Jacob shouldn't be making decisions right now. His father just passed away. He needs to have time to grieve."

"Leaving is a huge change, Renesmee. Perhaps Jake is trying to combine all his life changes into one short time frame."

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"I don't know, maybe. All my major life changes happened around the same time. Let's see, got married, got pregnant, had a baby, became a vampire. That's pretty much it," she said, using her fingers to count off each of the most important events in her life.

"This isn't a joke, mom," I shot back at her with my arms crossed over my torso.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," she replied genuinely. She was doing the same thing Jake would do if he were in her place – attempting to soften my anger and worries with humor and a smile. At least, that's what Jake would be doing if he were feeling like himself. It didn't matter though, because I just wasn't in the mood for it anymore.

"What do you think he should do?" she asked. At last, someone was asking my opinion on the topic.

I dropped my arms to my sides and took a seat only a few inches away from her. I approached my response like a confession. What I was about to say was something we rarely talked about. I didn't want to talk about it, it was too much, too painful. "When Sasha died," I began, but immediately needed to pause and regroup. "_God_ mom, it was so overwhelming. It was frightening how much it hurt. It scared the hell out of Jacob, out of all of you. I know Jacob lost his father and I lost…something different," I stammered, "but still, the only way I could cope was to be around him and my family. I needed to be with the people I loved and the people I knew loved me. I'm afraid if Jacob leaves his family now he might never heal."

My mother's eyes nearly glistened with sympathy. She pushed my hair behind my ears in a maternal gesture for comfort. "That is a legitimate concern. He has you," she said hopefully.

"The way he is now…it scares me," I whispered. My tiny hands clenched the soft gray fabric of my yoga pants – the same hands that had become weapons against my efforts to relieve Jacob's mourning. My special ability must have been the reason for my inability to communicate. Growing up, I used the pictures in my head instead of my words, but I didn't have that luxury at the moment. My touch only furthered Jacob's sorrow. "What if I can't help him? What if I'm not enough?" I finally confessed to her.

"You will be," she whispered with another smile. The smile wasn't enough to convince me to believe her. There was already too much evidence to the contrary. I looked down, causing my hair to fall around my face again. I was glad I couldn't see my mother's face when she asked her next question. "So, I take all this to mean you won't be coming with us to Carlisle and Esme's?"

"Mom, I haven't decided anything yet."

"What exactly do you plan to do if you do leave?"

I hesitated to respond. Although I hadn't planned anything yet, she was not going to be pleased to hear this suggestion. The very suggestion Jacob had made. "Alina has been asking me to come on full-time on the Council."

"You don't want to?"

"It's not that I don't want to, I feel like Jacob should be my priority. If I'm working over there I may not have time to devote to him exclusively."

"Hmmm…" she thought out loud.

"What?"

"Maybe that's Jacob's plan."

I leaned forward into my hands, pressed my eyes against my palms and groaned, "God, I must be doing a horrible job." I knew it was the truth. Maybe all he wanted was for me to leave him alone.

"What is the Council doing right now that Alina is so anxious for your help?" she asked with concern wrapped in her voice.

"Oh, nothing really. Alina has been going on about a few intermittent attacks, but no one else is concerned about them. She's just being a little paranoid, even Rye says so."

"Oh," she uttered, even within her single syllable I could read the relief in her voice.

As upset as I was about Jacob's determination to leave, I was jealous of how decided he was about the whole situation. I wanted to be as confident as he was. I wanted to be strong for him so he could absorb his father's passing in a healthy way. Maybe it would be best if I just fulfilled his wishes.

"Look, the truth is, Jacob is going to do what _you_ need. What do you need, Nessie?"

Hell if I know.

I shook my head and didn't offer a response. I never knew what I needed. That was what caused all the problems between us in the first place. How could he respond to my needs if I constantly changed my mind and remained lost in my own desires? In the depth of my heart – the only thing I was sure of – was that I needed Jacob to be okay.

"Renesmee," my mother whispered while she fidgeted in her seat and straightened a throw pillow; she must have been uncomfortable to resort to such human idiosyncrasies. "Remember, Jacob can always go back to La Push."

Oh right, of course. Jacob wasn't going to be the one who would turn "Pack" from an innocent children's game into a real-life battle against vampires. _I_ was.

"If you think it will be too much for him to leave right now, then you should tell him," she advised. A second later, both her expression and her voice changed drastically; she became harder, she became a chastising mother. "But understand this. You _are_ going to have to leave. Your father and I are leaving and we are not coming back; as much as it hurts me, we owe this to Jacob, to everyone on the reservation. It's going to happen. The only thing to be determined is the date. At the moment you're just postponing the inevitable."

I winced at her harsh mentioning of the word "inevitable". I should have gone to my father. He would have been far more likely to tell me what I wanted to hear.

* * *

End of Part I

* * *

A/N: Don't forget the questions. Tell me what makes you cringe!


	6. Turn and Face the Strain

A/N: Hello again! This has been the longest week of my life. Never sign up to have classes from 8:00-5:45 with no break. It's not fun.

Another question for all you lovely readers to think about. Would you consider my series to be Canon or AU? I got into a big discussion over this and we're still hammering out the definitions of a Canon Nessie fic and an AU Nessie fic. There's a very fine line between the two. Any opinions? I'm not going to tell you what I think because I don't want to lead you one way or the other. Please, please answer this question because I'm very curious to know what you think.

Also, if you think of a pet peeve, be sure to send me a message complaining about it! I'm compiling a list of pet peeves for the TLYDF article I'm co-writing.

Thanks to Skylar Jones, aschim, cocolin, & JacobAPotter for writing reviews!

**Part II—Chapter I: Turn and Face the Strain **

I loathed plane rides. Even in first class they're miserable. I hated the stuffiness of the air, the pressure changes caused by the rise and descent of the aircraft, and the detestable smells of the frozen cod and vegetable medley this airline was serving. This plane ride was made even more miserable given our travel was by no means for pleasure.

Jacob and I sat in our own wide and very expensive seats. We were separated by a foot or more given the seats in first class were so large and accommodating. The flight attendants were just as accommodating, but I just wanted them to leave me alone. What part of, "I don't want a damn glass of complimentary champagne" do these people not understand? I was probably the rudest first class passenger this airline had ever dealt with. This was why I preferred coach. The flight attendants don't give a damn about you back there.

I sat there, annoyed, with a book in front of me that I wasn't reading. Jacob was snoozing.

It had only been a week since Billy's funeral. Jacob wanted to leave as soon as possible and I was basically doing whatever Jacob wanted at this point. He wondered what caused me to change my mind and I simply said that he was right and I was wrong. Jacob was so distracted and withdrawn from everything he didn't even push for more information.

I leaned back in my seat and attempted to let sleep take me over as well. It would probably be a relief to the flight attendants. All I could think of was that night, or more accurately, that morning when I had been convinced to leave the state of Washington forever. I stayed with my parents for a little while after my discussion with my mother. My father, having heard everything we had talked about, tried to be as sympathetic and encouraging as possible, although I think he was mostly concerned that Jacob and I would be heading to Romania instead of Canada. I told them over and over I was still thinking about it, but they weren't convinced. Around four am I finally left and was glad to leave. I needed some time to think things through on my own.

I wandered through the wet and slushy streets of Forks on foot. I saw a few people drive by on their way to work, but there wasn't any danger to my walking around town considering no one knew who I was. Unless someone thought it strange enough that some small, thin female wearing only yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt in the snow was worth calling the police over. Hopefully, they thought I was just going for an early morning run.

As I walked, I had the sad and obvious realization that although I had grown up here, I'd never actually been a part of the town of Forks. I was hidden on the Cullen estate since I was a baby. I didn't graduate from Forks High, I'd never eaten at the diner, and I'd never wandered through the nearest big box store when there was nothing better to do with other kids my age. The story was that when Carlisle and Esme moved to Vancouver, all the Cullens had moved with them. My parents only visited Charlie and Sue, so as far as the residents of Forks knew the Cullens were long gone. My only friends were on the reservation, and that was limited to the wolf families. Truthfully, I didn't belong to any part of this town, which made me realize my hesitance about leaving had nothing to do with Forks or even my attachment to the Doghouse.

I was scared.

Scared I would fail in helping Jacob by myself. Scared I wouldn't be able to create a home like the one we knew here.

Since Forks held no personal memories for me, I broke into a run and made my way to the reservation. This place was full of memories, wonderful memories. Here was where the people I loved lived. This is where my sister, my brother, and my nieces and nephews lived. I was connected to this place despite my heritage, which could have prevented me from coming here.

I sprinted through the streets, cutting through backyards and jumping small fences. I stopped in front of a tiny little home, only two miles away from Billy's place. The paint was beginning to peel off the siding and the windows needed to be replaced along with the gutters. There was a bicycle and a broken croquet set scattered on the front lawn. Who tried to ride bikes and play croquet in the snow? There was a half-formed snowman as well; the kids must have realized while making it the snow was too wet to build anything with. One certainly could tell this house had been lived-in.

I walked up to the front door. I could smell coffee along with some other distinctive woodsy scents. I knocked. A few seconds passed, the smell of coffee intensified, and a weary-looking Paul answered the door.

"Nessie, good-morning," he partially mumbled.

"Hi." What time was it? The sun was up, but just barely. Oops. "Sorry it's so early, I just—"

"No, it's fine. I was awake," Paul said quickly. I was surprised Paul was up. The wolves, generally, were not early risers. Their duties to the pack meant they had to be nocturnal, and many of them took third-shift jobs so their sleep patterns wouldn't be too out of whack. I supposed they could go back to living in the light very soon.

There was definitely some irritability in Paul's voice, but I was his sister. He was obligated to be polite. "Come in," he said as he gestured me inside.

I followed Paul into the kitchen and sat at a small round table. Their home was not much bigger than the Doghouse. They would certainly have to move soon. This house was too small for two adults and four small children. I couldn't imagine trying to fit the parents and four adolescent kids in this little house. Maybe they could live in the Cullen house. It was just sitting there gathering dust at the moment. It would be difficult to convince Paul to take any kind of charity from the Cullens. I would have to find a way to trick him into it.

Paul was sipping coffee, but he didn't offer me any. His intention for once was not to be rude; it was just common protocol not to offer anything to vampires.

"How is Rachel?" I didn't ask him about himself because I knew Paul would never admit to any weakness. He would have just said, "I'm fine." All the wolves were alike that way.

"Not great. She's been sleeping a lot."

"Yeah, Jacob too. Not at first, but now he is. You know, excessive sleeping is a sign of…" I stopped midsentence. I was about to list one of the common symptoms of depression. What a moronic and insensitive thing to say. When would I learn to keep things to myself? I didn't function well with so little sleep either.

"Of depression?" Paul finished my sentence with his coffee mug paused at his lips. "I know. I looked it up." He took a prolonged drink of his dark black and strong smelling coffee. When he put it down the mug was empty. "How is Jake?" he asked as he got up to pour another cup. He'd probably have to polish off a pot or more of the most concentrated Columbian blend in order for the caffeine to have much effect. It worked the same for me, only I enjoyed the taste less than they did. Our bodies burned through the stuff too quickly.

"Not great," I repeated Paul's sentiment.

"Rachel and I are going to go visit Rebecca, I think. We might take the kids with us. We're not sure yet."

"Oh wow. I think that's a really good idea. Rebecca would love that."

Paul sat back down his original place at the table. The same place he probably sat at every morning as he ate breakfast with his kids. "Yeah, she was really upset she couldn't come to the funeral," he muttered.

My family may not have been allowed on the reservation because they were vampires, but Rebecca was the only human not allowed in La Push. Well, it wasn't that she wasn't allowed on the reservation, it was more like she wasn't allowed to meet a few of the wolves, including Seth – _ever_. Not every wolf had imprinted, and given Rebecca more than likely carried the wolf gene, we had deduced were she ever to meet them, it was highly probable she might find an other-worldly connection neither she nor her husband wanted. We could have planned it all very carefully to make sure Rebecca met no one, but accidents happen, and she didn't want to take the risk. It must have broken her heart not to be with her brother and sister right now.

"Nessie, not to be rude, but what are you doing here? You should be with Jacob."

"I know, I just…" I couldn't disagree with Paul. He looked at me sharply and I was reminded of my mother. I probably could have diffused his look if I told him that. He still wasn't on Team Vampire. He never would be. Soon, he wouldn't have to worry about that anymore.

Suddenly, I noticed his gaze shift from my eyes to somewhere over my shoulder. I turned around to see what he was staring at when I saw a perfect little ray of sunshine standing in the threshold of the kitchen rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"Kara, what are you doing up already?" Paul asked the ray of sunshine. Kara was Paul and Rachel's four-year-old. She was the sweetest little thing I'd ever laid my eyes on. She had the biggest brown eyes and the biggest smile with a head of soft, wispy black hair only four-year-olds are lucky enough to have. Her skin was dark and perfect and her cheeks still held onto that last bit of baby fat. She was like a Cabbage Patch doll brought to life. She did her best to keep up with her two older brothers and had the skinned knees to prove it. I fell in love with her every time I saw her.

"I had to go potty and then I was hungry. Hi, Aunt Nessie."

"Good-morning, munchkin." I couldn't help myself. I opened my arms to her and she happily ran to reach me. I easily pulled her into my lap and wrapped my arms around her small body. I loved the way her tiny muscles hugged around my neck with as much strength as she could muster. When she let me go she was smiling so big her she had dimples up to her eyes. I could see a little bit of Billy in her. I tried my best to look as pleased as she did, but found I couldn't lift the corners of my mouth.

"Aunt Nessie, you're crying," the little girl said with some fascination. Several tears had escaped me. She'd seen a lot of adults cry in the last few days.

"Yeah…I am." I admitted. I quickly tried to wipe my tears away. I didn't want to worry her. She was young. She didn't yet understand the depth of death and funerals and sacrifice, and I didn't want her to. I wanted her to be young and innocent and as perfect as she was right now. I didn't want her to have to worry over her brothers when they went out to do patrols in the dark and dangerous woods. I didn't want her to be the one to be risking her own life! I didn't want her life to be destroyed by the bite of a venomous vampire. My presence in her life would eventually decide the course it would take. That just wasn't fair. I took in a deep breath and tried to force the tears away. I didn't have much time left with her, with Paul, with all of them. I couldn't waste it dwelling on what I was losing. I wanted to remember everything important to me.

"Daddy says it's okay to cry if you're sad or if you're hurt. But it's not okay if you cry because you don't get your own way," she recited perfectly. She must have heard it several times.

I laughed through my tears. The little intuitive one just named all the reasons I was crying. Who knew the rules for four-year-olds would work well into adulthood?

"Your daddy is right, munchkin."

"Do you miss Grandpa?"

"Yes, I miss him very much."

"Me too. He's in heaven now."

"Yes, yes he is." I looked over at Paul whose face I almost didn't recognize. It was far softer than he usually was, truly moved by the wisdom and insightfulness of his little girl.

"Kara, why don't you go play in your room for a little bit?" Paul asked. "I have to talk to your Aunt Nessie. I'll make you some pancakes in a few minutes."

"Okay." She looked back at me to make sure I wasn't crying anymore. I gave her a hopeful smile and she seemed to be convinced.

"Try not to wake up your sister," Paul reminded her.

"Okay," she said again. She jumped off my lap and scurried back to her room. I was jealous of how easily her little mind could move from one thing to the next so quickly. I could think on everything at once, but doing so meant just that, I thought about _everything_ all the time. The endless amount of information flowing through my head caused decision making to be difficult. I over-thought everything. Hence, it took a while before things were clear enough to finally sink in.

"Nessie, what's going on?" Paul asked, more concerned than anything.

"Promise me, Paul." I commanded him. I only spoke this way to Jacob, but it was coming in useful right now. My hands were in fists against the surface of the table. "Take the kids to Hawaii to see their Aunt Rebecca, to see their cousins. And when they grow up they can have anything they want. If they want to go to freaking Harvard, Jake and I will make sure of it. If they want to join a band, we will buy them the tour bus. If one of them wants to be an athlete, we will get them a trainer. If they want to be artists, doctors, lawyers, _anything_. They can have it."

"Nessie…"

"Promise me." I wasn't going to try to trick him. He was going to promise me this whether he wanted to or not. If this was the only hand I could have in their lives, I was going to take it.

"I promise," he vowed. His face was soft again. He knew this was coming. They all knew. They'd known since I was barely a day old.

My breathing had been somewhat labored, but I calmed down once I had his assurance.

"We're leaving. We're all leaving."

That was the promise I had made to him. Now, Jacob and I were on our way to the Council headquarters in Romania. Since I was over 18 now, and an adult by every definition of the word, no one really fought me on the decision – not as much as they used to. My parents, realizing we would not be joining them in Vancouver, surprised me when they announced they would be taking some time to travel by themselves. I guessed being alone together the last few years had really grown on them. It was a good thing. They never had a chance to really enjoy being newlyweds.

I asked Jacob if he wanted to stay with Carlisle and Esme or if he wanted to travel with my parents, but he insisted we had put off the Council for too long. He kept saying it was _my_ time now and I could focus on my "career". I appreciated this, of course. It was an incredibly kind and generous thing for Jacob to do. But unbeknownst to him, Jacob wasn't the only reason I hesitated on going to Romania. Another reason I was scared to leave home, scared to go back: The last time I had been in Romania and served on the Council, I had failed.


	7. Of Warm Impermanence

A/N: Hey everyone! I hate to admit it, but I've become one of _those_ authors – the kind that never updates. I want to set the record straight that art majors have a huge workload, especially art majors in their senior year. So, you've caught me in between big projects at the moment.

In the meantime, between my unplanned updates, check out the character exploration article of Nessie I co-wrote for TLYDF. Quite a bit of stuff has come out since it went up, but if you find a more recent character exploration article there will be a link at the end. A couple readers are even quoted in there.

Or, if you're really bored, and I mean _really_ bored, try re-reading the portion of _Sasha_ that has been beta'd. It's up to Chapter 13 now. I realize it sounds completely lame to suggest reading something you've read before, but it has changed so much, for the better I think, and knowing those changes will enhance your experience of this story. For example, did you know the headquarters of the Council is in Retezat National Park is Romania? I didn't know that either, that is, not until I added it into one of the re-writes. I'm going to stop pimping myself now because this is getting out of hand and I'm a little ashamed of myself.

Many thanks as always to Nic0408, aschim, JacobAPotter, Skylar Jones, & dracodarling for writing reviews! And thanks again to everyone who made contributions to the article!

**Chapter II: Of Warm Impermanence **

The season of winter miraculously provided the Council headquarters in Romania with absolute security. As impossible as it seems to hide an entire castle, the heavy mountain snow actually camouflaged it. Each and every leaf of ivy and inch of moss that covered the heavy stone walls in summer, cradled the sparkling snow, causing the walls to disappear. Hopefully, there were also less hikers, cross-country skiers, or snowmobilers brave or stupid enough to go so far off the trail. It would be difficult even for the stupid ones because the officials of Retezat National Park had extremely strict rules on park boundaries, to the point that you had to register your equipment, insurance information, cell phone number, and emergency contact information just in case you did get lost. This made it complicated for Jacob and me because we couldn't just take a snowmobile from the park and never come back. There would be rescue choppers everywhere within a day. Turns out the only way we could get to where we needed to go without creating a stir was to walk along one of the beginner trails that we did not have to register for, this trail only went a mile and half and was plowed, then sneak away when it was convenient.

It usually worked out fine in the summer, it could even be enjoyable to walk through the magical forest and take in its many glacial lakes and towering cliffs, but in the winter the walk just seemed three times as long. Plus, Jacob couldn't even phase because he was carrying a huge backpack with some of our things since we couldn't take luggage with us. It would have looked really strange to go on a hike with a rolling suitcase. We weren't able to take very much with us, not that it was necessary. We had clothing and some personal items at the castle from the previous times we'd been there, and my parents promised to move our belongings from the Doghouse to Carlisle and Esme's before they left for their trip. Thinking about that broke my heart a little each and every time. Coming to Romania had so much more significance this time because we weren't coming for a visit; we were coming here to live. I'd never go back to the Doghouse, _our_ house. When would we have a place of our own again?

I shook that selfish line of thinking out of my head. Jacob wanted to come here and I wanted Jacob to be better. I warned him before we left that this was a probationary period. If things didn't feel right we were going back to live with Carlisle and Esme. He agreed easily, and to be honest, I wasn't sure if he was really listening. I don't think he'd listened to anything I'd said in the last few days. It may have been part of his process, but it just left me feeling useless.

By the time we actually got to the castle we were both exhausted, mentally and physically. The state of the headquarters did not reflect our fatigue in the least. Everything seemed so perfect and innocent when covered in snow. There was no indication of the kind of work that went on in this place; the dark and frightening events that had occurred here. It was refreshing to see the castle this way. White was a sign of being washed clean; this could be our new start.

For the first time, the front door was very easy to find because it was the only part of the castle not covered in snow. It had been shaken off as the door was periodically opened and closed. As we entered, I was instantly caught off-guard by the stark difference in temperature. It was as counterintuitive as stepping into an igloo; an igloo seems like it would be freezing because it is made of ice when they are in fact quite warm. The castle had always been cold because Ántonia built it a thousand years ago with no interest in proper ventilation or heating. Jacob and I both threw off our gloves, coats, and wet boots right by the doorway.

"Why is it so hot in here?" Jacob asked as he shrugged his parka off. It was hot, at least a hundred degrees and probably more if it was so warm it was making Jacob and me uncomfortable.

"Is it too warm?" I heard tinkling voice call from down the hallway. "I knew fifteen was too many. I told Alec over and over." Jane's eyebrows furrowed in the most adorable moment of irritation as she stomped down the hallway toward us. For a few seconds I forgot all my trepidations about coming here and was just happy to see one of my good friends.

"Jane!" I shouted as I opened my arms to her. She ran the rest of the distance down the hall and enveloped me. I held her cold face in my hands, releasing memory after memory of the two of us laughing together. In every memory she had perfect golden eyes that fit her pale brown hair so well it was difficult to imagine her with red eyes anymore. She acted like a little sister in every way, unless her family was threatened. When that happened, watch out.

"Oh, I missed you, Nessie," she breathed happily before she kissed my cheek. She looked to Jacob and gave him an encouraging nod. "I'm happy to see you too, Jacob. I am so sorry for your loss."

Jacob looked down at the floor awkwardly and muttered, "Thanks."

The exchange made me anxious, so I quickly caught Jane's attention again and changed the subject. "I missed you too. What were you saying about fifteen being too many?"

"Fifteen fireplaces."

"There aren't any fireplaces here."

Jane rolled her eyes and groaned as she picked up our parkas off the floor and threw one of the huge backpacks over her shoulder. The backpack was nearly the same size as she was, but she was completely capable of carrying the weight.

"I know. Alina insisted we needed some way to heat the place so you and Jacob would be more comfortable. Alec took over the project and originally planned for twenty-two fireplaces. I cut him down to fifteen, but apparently we are terrible judges of temperature. I have to admit, I do like the heat."

"You didn't have to go to all that trouble. Jacob and I would be warm enough no matter what, and aren't fireplaces kind of dangerous for you?" I immediately regretted my words because of the crestfallen look on Jane's small face. "It was very thoughtful though," I quickly recovered. "I'm amazed you built it all so quickly."

"It wasn't quick. We started several months ago."

"What?"

"Yes, Alina assured us you would come eventually."

"I see." Stupid pushy vampire. She had been right, I was here, but I eagerly despised the circumstances. If not for Billy's death, if not for the fate of the wolf kids, would I even have come?

We made it down the front hallway and were now standing in the castle's central reading room. The room was entirely empty if you didn't count the thousands of neatly stacked books. "Where is everyone?" I asked.

"There is no one else," Jane replied quietly. Before I could follow-up on that response Jane ducked out of the room as two figures burst from one of the corridors. One of the figures was my Gypsy turned vampire best friend; the other was her excessively-fragrant husband.

"Nessie! Jacob! I am so glad you are here!" Alina exclaimed happily. She moved as quickly as her human-like speed would allow until she had me in tight hug. I would have rushed to meet her, but I was simultaneously distracted by Jane's strange answer to my question. What did she mean there was no one else here?

"Alina, I'm so happy to see you," I managed to say with enthusiasm. I greeted her husband with a nod of my head and a far less enthusiastic, "Rye."

He made a playful growling sound and embraced me in a hug as well. He did it too quickly because I didn't even have time to get my arms around him; they were pinned at my sides. "Aw, my little freak of nature. You know you're happy to see me too." I pushed him away and made an exaggerated swipe at my nose to illustrate how his scent bothered me. He stuck out his tongue in response and Alina immediately elbowed him. He scowled at her and rubbed his side repeatedly.

"Jacob, we are both so sorry to hear of your loss," Alina cooed in the most gentle and sympathetic way while gesturing with one arm to give him a hug.

Jacob was standing a few feet behind me. He sighed once and nodded, but he didn't move forward to accept her hug. There were only so many condolences the poor guy could take before they all started to sound the same. Did the sympathy even have any impact on him anymore?

"Thank-you. Ness, I think I'm going to head to the room," he said with no expression.

"Okay," I answered automatically. I didn't know what to do next. I didn't even know what room we were supposed to be in.

"Let me show you the way, Jake. Alec designed a room for the two of you. Guy is a genius when it comes to color," Rye interrupted. For once he actually diffused an uncomfortable moment instead of creating one. Perhaps he had finally learned something about tact from his wife. "Jane has probably already got all your stuff in there and unpacked for you. We've made some more changes around here – mostly as a way to convince you and Miss Nessie over there to come and visit."

"The fireplaces?" Jacob asked as he followed behind Rye. At least he said something beyond "thank-you" or "bed."

"Yeah, the fireplaces. This is actually the first night we lit them up. We're going to have to be careful though, flammability and whatnot."

Jacob actually laughed after that comment. My chest expanded with relief at the sound. It was the first time since we left La Push that I felt like I may have made the right decision in coming here.

The voices of the two boys faded away and then just Alina and I were standing in the room together. She held her hand out and I lightly grasped it, then she pulled me to a sofa and tucked her legs underneath her. Physically, I appeared slightly older than Alina, but in actuality she had a few years on me, so sometimes it felt like she played two roles in my life: my best friend and an older sister.

"How is everything?" she asked. What an enormous question. How to even begin?

"It's been better. Jacob is…still dealing. He really wanted to come. That's what he kept telling me."

"Perhaps some distraction will be healthy for him."

"I can only hope." Although, he didn't need any help being distracted. He'd been nothing but distracted for days. This is what he said he wanted though. "So, speaking of distractions, where is everyone?"

"Oh, well. Jane is here," Alina began as she straightened her top and glanced up at the skylight in the ceiling. It wasn't serving its purpose now, completely covered in snow. "Everyone else is away."

"Away where?"

"Marthe and Jens went to Rouen to visit her parents. Cristian and Natalie went to Croatia, which is where he is from originally. Nia and Kwame went to see their clan in the falls. Snow leopards just came off the endangered species list so Alec, Demetri, and Felix really wanted to get one, so Tani took them somewhere in Southern Asia."

"So, everyone is on vacation?" I said slowly as the pieces began to come together in my head.

"Essentially."

"You have been begging me for six months to work here and everyone is on vacation?" The octave of my voice went up involuntarily.

"Yes," she said as she swallowed guiltily.

"Alina! I am dealing with serious issues at home. You made it sound like things were dire here!"

"It was not my intent to mislead you. I do believe there is significance in the skirmishes I have been keeping track of."

"And yet everyone else felt like it was time to go on holiday?"

"I tried to convince them otherwise."

"Oh my God!" I groaned while I rubbed my hands over my face and jumped up out of my seat. I've been doing a lot of outraged pacing lately. "What makes you so sure I'll even take your side?"

"You came here, did you not?"

"You're unbelievable. I only came here because…" I stopped myself. Jacob. Jacob was the reason I was here. If I was honest with myself I was really enjoying having a house to take care of. I liked spending time with my nieces and nephews and god-kids. And after the mess I had created the last time I was here I wanted to escape the responsibility for a little while. That "little while" turned into eight years. It was possible I wasn't cut out for this. Alina was tougher. I believed she was untouchable, even when she was human. She was the kind of the person that should be a leader. I didn't want to admit to my fears, not right now. It wouldn't be helpful, and right now, Alina needed my help.

"Because?" Alina asked into the open air.

"Nevermind." I sat back down on the sofa and focused my mind on something other than myself. "So just, spell it out for me. You've noticed some attacks?"

"Reoccurring attacks."

"How often have they been occurring?"

"Well, over the past thirteen months I have been keeping track of them. They are fairly typical attacks. The news has been reporting them as animal attacks, but they have been in metropolitan areas."

"How many?"

"Twelve."

"Twelve in one city?"

"No, all different cities."

"In the same country?"

"No, London, New Delhi, Rio de Janeiro, New York, Beijing…"

"All different countries?

"Yes, there has only been one attack in each place and some have even occurred the same day. For example, there was one reported in Rio and then another a few hours later in Sydney."

"So, the only common thread is the nature of the attacks, which is leading you to believe they are vampire-related?"

Alina nodded silently. It was common for humans to report vampire attacks as animal attacks if the vampire didn't clean up the evidence well. However, mature vampires were too smart to make such a rookie mistake over and over again.

"Alina, this isn't adding up. Why only one attack in each place? How many vampires do you think are involved?

"I do not know. It could be a coven or it could be a single vampire."

"Why would an entire coven kill one human in a huge city and leave it to be found over and over?"

"It is strange. It is against the law to stir up this kind of attention. The only reason to create such attention—"

"Is because you're trying to get someone's attention," I finished her thought.

"Now you are starting to sound like Alina," Rye said as he entered the room again. Both Alina's and my head snapped toward the threshold. "Five minutes alone with my wife and she's managed to corrupt you."

"I am not corrupting her," Alina countered defensively.

"You're being paranoid," he chided. Ooh, that wasn't going to go over well.

"There is nothing wrong with being cautious," she said calmly, but her jaw had become much tighter.

"Even if some of them are vampire attacks, they're so spread out, there is no pattern. They're not related. Some of them even happened on the same day!"

"Vampires can move quickly."

"Not that quick." Rye was now sitting on the armrest of the sofa with his arms folded over his chest. How many times had they had this argument?

"Says the vampire who is faster than any other," Alina said bitingly.

"Exactly. I would know."

"What if it is newborns?"

"Then there would be far more attacks. No one could have that kind of control over newborns."

"Then that alludes to a more serious situation. Practiced vampires are planning these attacks."

"Or they're legitimate animal attacks."

"Oh, for God's sake, do not even begin such an argument," she said with an elaborate wave of her hand. If I let this go on for another minute I was pretty sure that wave would turn into a punch.

"I'm going to go check on Jake," I said loudly as I stood up from the couch. I didn't wish to be involved in their well-rehearsed argument. I'd only made it a few steps toward the exit when Rye called out to me,

"He said he wanted to sleep."

I stopped in my tracks. One second Jacob was laughing, the next he was falling into desirable unconsciousness again. I had to try very hard to hide the worry in my voice.

"Really? Oh. Well, I'm going to say good-night to him. Try not to kill each other," I said at the end. Hopefully, my sarcastic comment would throw them off the scent of my distress.

"I make no promises," Alina muttered as I exited the room.

I followed the slightly unpleasant mix of Rye and Jacob's scent until I stood in front of a large and ornately carved wooden door. Even the brass knob had an intricate floral pattern. The building I was standing in was a castle after all. It was meant for intricate brass door knobs. I took a breath before I opened the door to the room Jacob and I would be now be calling home.

Rye had not been exaggerating about Alec's genius use of color. Nature had clearly been his inspiration, specifically, layering different shades of blue, dark brown, and white, which I had just witnessed today while walking past one of the glacial lakes on such a snowy day. The walls were the same color as the dark stone of the original structure, but it blended perfectly with the dark brown furniture, the bright white linens, and the blue accents found on the throw pillows and the lamp shades. As always, there was a pair of stained glass windows, these ones made of up deep green and blue diamond shapes. I noticed one of the windows was propped open, letting a few snowflakes flutter in. The room was much larger than I expected, about three times the size of our bedroom at the Doghouse. There were shelves filled with my favorite books that I had found when living here previously. There was a sitting area by the windows with an easel already set up with a small canvas for painting. What struck me most about the room was the fireplace. It was the focal point of the wall directly across from the bed and it was half the size of the fireplace at the Doghouse. It was beautiful in its own right, but it seemed small and insignificant compared to the memory in my head.

Jacob was already lying on top of a down comforter on the huge bed that took up nearly an entire wall. Thank God Alec had thought of Jacob's size, we needed a huge bed.

He was looking up at me as I stood in the doorway taking in the room. Elated that he was still awake, I quickly shut the door behind me and made my way toward the bed.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked quietly. I sat on the bed next to him and once again found my fingers aching to touch him. I came incredibly close to running my fingers through his hair, but somewhere I found the strength to hold back. _Give him time_, I repeated over and over again in my head.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Can't say I expected him to say anything else. "You shouldn't sleep right away. You'll be jet-lagged for a week."

"I know. I'm just so tired. I don't think I could stay awake if I tried."

"You slept on the plane," I said timidly.

"Just a couple hours, Ness?" he begged, a little annoyed.

"Fine. Do you want anything to eat first?"

"No thanks." He closed his eyes and relaxed into the down comforter.

"This room is really nice," I blurted out. I knew he wanted to sleep, but it felt like we hadn't talked in days, and I missed him. I managed to ignore the bigger discussions in my head and focused on more trivial things.

"Yeah, it is. It's just so hot," Jacob mumbled, the sleep already taking him.

"I see you opened the window. I don't understand why they put in fireplaces. It's really unsafe."

"Rye said it was Alina's idea, if that's any indication."

"What do you mean?"

"Haven't you ever noticed that Alina is kind of scary? She's trying to send a message. If she's not afraid of the only thing that will kill her, she's certainly not afraid of another vampire."

"Scary indeed." I scooted down the bed so I was lying next to him. I got as close as I could without touching him. There was so much I needed to say to him, so much I needed to discuss. My visit with Paul, my missing the Doghouse, my confusion about what I should be doing for him, not to mention the attacks Alina was concerned about or my fears about failing the Council again. He wasn't ready to hear it. I couldn't stand to add more to his burden. I would be strong enough to carry my own burden, if nothing else.

Unable to keep still, my hand ghosted over the contours of his face, his warm breath fanning my face while the cool breeze from the window flew over my body. I could tell from the steadiness of his breathing he was very close to sleep. As my fingertips followed the lines of face once more, I was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. Slowly, I turned my hand over and let the back of my fingers stroke along his cheek. His warmth felt different in the heat of the room, there was less contrast, but I missed the familiarity of it so much I nearly cried. I pulled my hand away and placed a silent kiss on my knuckles, then moved it back to his face and pressed the same spot to his lips. My arm fell to the bed and lay in between us. I wanted to go forward to the time when he would be happy again, I wanted to go back to the time when we were both blissful, but I couldn't force things to move faster, and I couldn't move back.

"Everything is going to be okay, Jacob," I whispered, remembering he had told me that was all he needed to hear. Then I sat up and climbed off the bed, walked out of the room, and toward my new life.

* * *

A/N: Is it snowing where you are? It snowed twice this past week. We kind of skipped Fall.


	8. So I Turned Myself to Face Me

A/N: Hey everyone! I know the greater percentage of this story has been pretty depressing. This chapter shouldn't depress you (I hope). This chapter is dedicated to aschim, because she is repeatedly annoyed by my Nessie, but for some reason, she keeps reading. I think she'll like this one. Can't make any promises on the next update. It will always be random, and hopefully sooner than later.

Thanks to aschim & JacobAPotter for writing reviews!

**Chapter III: So I Turned Myself to Face Me **

I leaned up against our new bedroom door for a while, unsure of my next move. Unlike Jacob, I didn't feel the least bit tired. The jetlag would probably hit me soon, but at the moment I was too anxious to rest. I could have sought out Alina and discussed the attacks some more, but what would be the point? No member of the Council other than Alina thought much of them, and to be honest, I didn't know what to think of them either. It was against the law to leave so much evidence behind and create attention, but there was no indication of who did it, and Rye was right, the pattern was sketchy. In any case, it wasn't of great importance right now, so I lost any motivation to think on it further.

I began walking down the hall without any destination in mind – just taking in the stiff orderliness of all the books that were once a jumbled mess amongst the stacks. I stopped at one point, grabbed about seven random books off a shelf, and put them back in a different order. I even placed some of them horizontally on top of the perfectly placed vertical volumes. I wished I could have done it over and over again. I hated those books so neatly stacked, mocking me with their tidiness in comparison to the confusing disarray I had made of my own life. Maybe I _would_ rearrange them over and over, just to give me something to do. It would probably take Jane less than two minutes to put the books back in order, but I wasn't being choosey about having a purpose at present.

The hallway was a little smoky to my perceptive nose, the bulk of the fires must have been extinguished, but the stifling heat was still lingering. It caused me to push the sleeves up on my sweater and wish I had changed into a pair of athletic shorts. I then had the strangest visual in my head of all the Council members wearing pajamas. Synapses do the funniest things. I recalled seeing Marthe and Jens in pajamas a few times, but they slept at night. I wondered if the vampires even owned pajamas. The image of Cristian in pajama pants and a night shirt was suddenly so ridiculous to me I found myself doubled-over, snickering through my teeth under a portrait of Emma Bovary. Maybe I was more tired than I originally thought.

Before I could make myself stop, I felt a rush of hot air go by me, and a tall, annoying, blonde man was standing over me.

"What are you laughing at?" Rye's sudden appearance startled me and I stood up like a shot, choking on sharp intake of air.

"Geez, Rye!" I smacked him in the chest with the back of my hand. "Sneak up on a person, why don't you?"

"Sorry," he responded quickly, although he didn't sound like he meant it. "Are you okay? I didn't think _Madame Bovary_ was a comedy."

I rolled my eyes and steadied myself, free of all laughter or sudden gasps. "I'm fine. How did things end with Alina?" I asked with a bit of acid in my voice. It had been too long since I'd interacted with his scent. It was making me act rude, that's what I kept telling myself.

"Same as always. She yelled at me, called me ignorant, punched me in the shoulder, and stormed off into Ántonia's study," he answered with a shrug. Rye and Alina was an unlikely pair, but surprisingly balanced. She didn't put up with his immaturity, and he saw through her tough exterior to the young, vulnerable woman inside. They were both exactly what the other didn't know they needed. However, I never noticed Alina being quite as impatient as what Rye just described.

"You guys still call it 'Ántonia's' study?" I asked, changing the subject to something more civil.

"Yeah, what else would we call it?"

"I don't know. Tani's study or Alina's even."

"No, that room is Ántonia's. It'll always be hers."

"I feel the same way." He was entirely correct. Ántonia was an incredible person. She was _the_ most self-controlled vampire ever to live. Besides the fact that she didn't drink human blood, she didn't even exercise the huge array of abilities she possessed. No one knew how many she had, no one would ever know. The mystery was part of what made her so powerful. She could have destroyed the Volturi single-handedly, yet she found a way to resist the pull of her ability and focus on non-violent methods to move toward a peaceful world. She was the inspiration behind the entire Council, and most of the supernatural world didn't even know she existed. "I haven't thought about her in such a long time," I confessed. I had done a poor job preserving her memory considering how much influence she had in changing my life. She was the first person to ever offer me a purpose greater than one I could imagine for myself.

"You were her favorite, you know," Rye said with a gentle nudge of his elbow to my side. We had begun walking down the hallway back in the direction of the reading room. "Alina has always been a little jealous of that."

"I was her favorite because she thought I was going to take over the world or something. I think Alina is better suited for that." The vision of Alina as Queen of the vampires was something I could see in my mind quite clearly.

"Maybe. Look, I need to ask you about something. It's about Alina."

"I have some questions for her as well. Has Alina never heard of a space heater? They may suck up the electricity, but they're not quite as lethal as a fire," I said lightheartedly. I paused in my joking when I took a good look at Rye's face. Normally, he was cheerful and fun, a nice change from the week of hell I had recently endured, but now he was gravely serious. The troubled look about him caused the nineteen-year-old to age a dozen years instantly.

"What I have to ask has something to do with the fireplaces. And I'm being completely serious when I ask about this. I don't want you to repeat this to Jane or the others."

I motioned for him to take seat on one of the sofas and I sat in an armchair adjacent to it. He sighed heavily as he sat down. "Go ahead," I encouraged.

"That kid who used to live here with Ántonia…"

"Sasha?" I asked, finishing his sentence for him.

"Yeah, Sasha. He was a Gypsy, right?"

"Yes. Yes, he was." Sasha was someone I also hadn't thought of much until recently. My very first boyfriend, the first person I had ever fallen in love in with, the person who died while protecting me. Jacob's sadness reminded me of my depression after Sasha died. We hadn't lost the same type of relationship, but the sleeping, the loss of appetite, the distractions; those were all experiences I knew.

Here I was in the very place I had met him thirteen years ago. Was it really _thirteen_ years? It was hard to believe how short the amount of time was that I actually spent with him. A little over two months. That was all the time I had with him before he was stolen away from me.

"Did he ever tell you about what it was like when he fed?" Rye asked as if I was still a part of the conversation.

"Uh…no. Not specifically." I stuttered in my response because I was caught up in reminiscing. What was it like when Sasha fed? I couldn't imagine trying to pry that information out of him. It had been an incredibly difficult experience getting Sasha to open up to me at all. Essentially, he was a shut-in because of the great fear he harbored about inadvertently using his ability to hurt someone, even me. When it came to talking about his thirst however, he never budged. He hated talking about his thirst. He thought of it as a sinful urge, not a natural part of his physiology. I didn't know him long enough to see him hunt, and even if I'd asked while he was still alive, he probably wouldn't have told me what it was like. And because he did it so infrequently, his victims weren't nameless faces, he could have counted the number of people he killed. "Only that it was once every ten years and it had to be human blood," I reminded Rye. Those were the only details Sasha left me with.

"That's what I was afraid of," Rye muttered darkly.

"Wait, when is she…?" I quietly asked, thinking of Alina again and rapidly putting the timeline together.

"In about three months."

"Oh my God," I gasped. Alina was a Gypsy before she was changed. Her change had been completely accidental. A criminal who was being questioned bit her in a fit of rage without realizing the consequences of his action. Her blood poisoned him and he died. This all happened nine years and nine months ago. "I've been so busy worrying about Jacob and everything going on at home, I haven't thought about it. Alina hasn't said anything to me," I explained quickly, attempting to justify why I had been such a poor friend.

"She won't say much about it to me either." Rye leaned back into the couch and rubbed his eyelids a few times – probably thinking he was being a poor husband.

"She mentioned a few years ago, you two had come to a decision about it." "It" meaning a decision about how to satisfy Alina's decennial lust for blood.

"Alina still doesn't like it. I don't like it much either. We agreed to procure some donated blood first. If that doesn't work, I promised I would do it for her. I've killed humans and I don't want her to have the guilt." Rye's occasional maturity was showing through. The amazing selflessness he possessed that certainly made Alina fall in love with him.

I still felt some attraction toward human blood and I always would, but my upbringing and my desire to sustain life discouraged my cravings. Rye needed to avoid human blood to diminish the potency of his scent. Tani was able to resist because she had been mentally prepared to become a vampire while she was human. Cristian and Natalie were able to avoid humans based solely on their principles. Jane and her brothers? Well, that had been engrained into them since their bout with amnesia. Alina's situation was far different from any vampire. She had never had the desire to drink human blood since she was changed. She lived without temptation. The concept was entirely new to her body and her psyche and she was being forced into it. "She may feel guilty no matter what you do," I said as I patted his shoulder.

"I know, I know. It's just, no one knows what it's supposed to be like when a Gypsy/vampire feeds. The archives say nothing. Sasha and Ántonia are gone, as well as the Volturi."

I flinched at how callously Rye described their deaths, especially after dealing with death so closely as of late. I forgave him for his lack of tact at the moment. He didn't know either of them very well and all his attention was on Alina right now.

He continued to rattle off the roadblocks to figuring out the mystery.

"Vlad and Stefan are the only vampires around who were alive during that time and we already asked. The Gypsies don't even have a clue. Alina's father insists Sasha and Alina are the only Gypsy/vamps in history. The only people who might know are Jane and her brothers and they're still blocked for the most part."

"I'm not going to…" I interrupted. I was not going to unblock their memories. It was too unpredictable considering how many memories were actually gone. The only thing they recalled was their own names.

"Don't start. I wasn't going to ask," Rye interrupted back. "There's something else. And this is where the fireplaces come in." Rye leaned forward onto his knees and I mimicked his position, preparing myself for some deep dark revelation. "Alina has always been passionate about her work, I love that about her, but since these attacks have been happening, she's obsessed. She looks up news on the web twenty hours a day, searching for some kind of pattern. I'm really worried about her."

I sat back up into my previous position. Alina obsessing over work? That wasn't a deep, dark secret. "Well, that's not so different from how she usually is," I pointed out. There was no one more in tune with the supernatural than Alina.

"Over-compensating, I get that. She's always done that. Even when she was human, she didn't like to appear weak or vulnerable. And as a vampire, her slowness has always bothered her, even though she won't admit it. But it's making her act out. The fireplaces?"

"It was a nice thought," I said in her defense.

"_Fifteen_ fireplaces? We didn't need one fireplace. Fireplaces and vampires do not go together, Nessie!" he shouted.

"Okay, okay! You're right!" I said back in a rushed whisper. I glanced at the hallway that led to Ántonia's study expecting Alina to burst into the room. When she didn't, I took a small breath of relief. I didn't want to face her wrath no matter how slow she was. Rye must not have been very afraid of her because he was still speaking at too loud a volume.

"You know who did have a fireplace? The Volturi. Not many people know this, but they had a great big room with a big old fireplace! And you know what they used it for?"

"Stop it! It's not as if she built them for executions." Since its inception, the Council had not issued a single deliberate execution. One vampire had died when he bit Alina, and three more had died at the hands of the shifters in La Push, but no vampire had broken the law in a way that would demand such a sentence. It was a sign that our system was working, unless there was something to these attacks.

"We can only hope," Rye said bleakly. His humor was coming through, but this wasn't the time for it.

"That's not funny," I scolded.

"That's not even the weirdest thing." Rye leaned forward even further. I sighed, slightly annoyed, and leaned in closer to him for the second time. Finally, he lowered the volume of his voice. "A couple weeks ago, we were in our bedroom and I asked her for my phone, and out of the corner of my eye I could have sworn I saw her…" Rye glanced over his shoulder once, looking for Alina. Once again, she didn't make an appearance. "Move," he ended anticlimactically.

"What do you mean?" I asked naturally, suddenly feeling quite silly for all the whispering.

"I mean, _move_," he stretched out the word "move" like it had several "o's" in it. "Like you or I would move."

"Are you serious?" I asked disbelievingly. Alina was not fast. She moved like a human. Sasha couldn't move any faster than my Grandpa Charlie. It was one of the reasons he could have easily passed for human.

"I barely saw it and I'm not even sure if she realizes she did it, but…ugh…I don't know. Maybe I'm just stressed." He rubbed his hands over his face again in frustration.

"Alina hasn't picked up on this?" I inquired, alluding to his stress and concern over what would happen three months from now.

"No. All she does is troll through the internet looking for stories on alleged animal attacks."

Throwing herself into her work. Typical Alina. She was focusing all her energy on these attacks to avoid thinking about feeding. I don't know what I would do if I were in her position, possibly the same thing. Distraction was definitely preferable to facing the truth.

"Rye, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No! God, no! Don't talk to her," he yelled with a dramatic "halt" gesture of his hands. "That will make it a thousand times worse. She'd kill me if she knew I was telling you this."

"Yeah, because what I'm most concerned about is _your_ well-being," I mumbled with another roll of my eyes.

"Just help me keep an eye on her," he pleaded, "stop her from doing anything crazy or fire-related for awhile." His expression was heartbreaking. Alina was his reason for living. He had no direction before her and would be lost and broken without her.

"No problem," I promised. It was probably a good thing there were less people here than usual. It would be much easier to focus on her and any strange variations in her personality. I would also have to keep an eye on Jacob as well. Not that it would be difficult if he continued to sleep all the time.

"I'm really glad you're here, Ness."

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. If Alina had even mentioned feeding to me I would have come right away." I had to wonder if this was the actual reason for her begging me to come for the past six months. If only she'd told me how distressed she was, I was sure I would have come.

"I know you would have. But I can't really blame you. Why would you want to leave your home to come to all this?" Rye raised his arms to indicate the room, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"This place isn't bad." A lot of good things had happened here. A lot of bad things as well, but there was more good than bad. Knowing Ántonia and Sasha would always outweigh the bad.

"_Please_," Rye whined like a thirteen-year-old girl. "Do not tell me you didn't love being at home with your parents and your family and Jacob, just hanging out all day and enjoying your life."

"You don't enjoy your life?"

"Of course I do. Anything I do with Alina would make me happy. But it's different here. We have responsibilities and jobs. It's work."

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "If I'm being honest, I did like it." And I missed it already. I missed my little munchkin with her adorable smile that practically broke my heart. I missed my books, and my kitchen, and my Uncle Emmett with his inappropriate jokes. I missed my grandparents and my mom and dad, and the overwhelming, unconditional love that I wouldn't find anywhere else. I needed to stop my list making. It wouldn't make anything easier – least of all my transition to living here.

"That's what I thought," he said knowingly. "But like I said, I'm really glad you're here. How long do you think you'll stay?"

"I don't know. I don't even know why you guys want me here," I admitted with a shrug. Why not admit it? It would be less of a surprise if a failed again if I just explained how it was inevitable.

"What?!" Rye responded, astonished.

"Seriously, think back to the last time I was here. Peyton was murdered because three Volturi members had a vendetta against me. I managed to have my mind tainted with horrific visions. At one point you were gagged, tied, and left for dead."

"Oh god, don't remind me," Rye groaned. "That was an unpleasant point in my life."

"And the time before that, I let your then fiancée get turned into a vampire."

"Hey, I was mad at the time, but I'm over that now. In fact, I'm kind of grateful. I don't know how we would have worked that out otherwise."

"All I have done for this place is screw things up," I said with a nervous laugh. It was the only thing I could do now after days and days of bad news: laugh.

"Hmmm…," Rye rubbed his chin thoughtfully a few times while a fake contemplative look crawled onto his face. "I guess you're right. You suck."

My jaw dropped and my hand turned into a fist without my permission. So much for learning tact. "I can't believe you said that, you jerk! _You_ suck!" I shot back.

"If you were looking for pity, you're not getting it from me."

"I wasn't looking for pity." Maybe a little pity. "I just don't know that this is the best place for me."

"Weren't you always running away from home to come here?"

"For a while, yes."

"Why did you do that?"

There was a good question. Why leave my loving, caring, and wonderful family to risk my life over and over again? "Originally, because I was a brat," I confessed. Thirteen years ago. That's when this whole thing started – when I ran away from home because I couldn't stand to be sheltered by my family anymore. It seemed so trivial and stupid now. I'd grown out of that phase of course. The times I went back to Romania were for completely different reasons then my first trip away from home. At one point I wanted to save Ántonia, another time I'd gone to help Alina and Rye get out of their legal dispute, then I left a third time to help my friends once again. "I wanted to help. I wanted to be a part of changing our world," I insisted to him. "But I'm not like Alina."

"Thank God you're not like Alina. We have enough fireplaces."

"That's not what I mean. She's stronger than I am. She can handle being a leader."

"Ness, being a leader isn't about having the strength to fight; it's about having the strength to put the needs of others before yourself, to make decisions for the benefit of others."

I thought about his statement for a few seconds. Obviously, I'd never given Rye much credit for his intelligence. But after a hundred plus years on the planet he'd managed to gain some perspective I didn't have. Maybe that was another reason Alina seemed to like him so much.

"You came here because Jake wanted to, because you wanted to protect your friend's kids," Rye said plainly.

"Jacob told you?" I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"Yeah." He nodded. "That's the most selfless thing I've ever heard."

"But what if all I feel is that I want to go home?"

"That's okay. Give yourself time. Give this place some time. We're your family too; personally, I like to think of myself as your wise, extremely handsome, older brother."

"I hate you so much," I said flatly, no one would have guessed I wasn't being completely serious.

"Now I know we're brother and sister." He smiled at me and I fought the urge to stick my tongue out at him and further his brotherly affections. "And for the record, I know you have the strength to fight as well. Just now, I said you sucked and you were ready to punch me in the face."

"Yeah, well, that had a lot to do with the face."

"Nessie, have you done much training?"

"Uh…a little," I stammered, taken off-guard by his question. "Jacob has shown me some stuff and my aunts and uncles spar with me once in a while, but not often. My father discouraged it."

"How do you feel about learning to fight? I mean _real_ fighting."

"No one has ever really wanted to teach me." I thought back to my education growing up. I had drawing lessons with Alice, history lessons with Jasper, literature lessons with Carlisle and my mother, music lessons with my father, and some unconventional lessons with Uncle Emmett where all we did was run around and look for rocks to crush. I got bored with it after a few days, but Emmett kept it up for a while.

The grin that covered his face was incorrigible. He lifted up his hands and made a quick "bring it on" gesture. I couldn't help but to laugh because Rye was right, he was like a brother to me, a brother I never took seriously. "Let's go, little sis."


	9. So the Days Float Through my Eyes

A/N: Hello all! It's been a while. School is hard. I also think I've developed computer vision syndrome, which basically severe eye strain is caused by staring at a computer monitor too much, too often. For a week I couldn't look at the computer for more than ten minutes without being in pain. Basically, I felt very much like Jacob does in this chapter, or maybe I made Jacob feel very much like I did. Poor Jacob. He takes so much abuse.

I tried to buy tickets to the midnight show of _New Moon_ (twice) and they're sold out. I'm really bummed about it.

_Sasha_ is up to Chapter 15. Check out the changes if you have the time and well-rested eyes.

Thanks to Adirondackmommi, aschim, JacobAPotter, & FictionFan07 for writing reviews!

Jacob's POV

**Chapter IV: So the Days Float Through my Eyes **

God damn it, the sun was nauseatingly bright.

How long had I been asleep? Days? Weeks? It felt like weeks. Something was pounding away at the inside of my skull. My head felt around twenty pounds heavier than normal. Was it possible to sleep too much? What day was it? What time was it? From the intense light coming through the window it appeared that it was early afternoon. Where was I?

Oh, right. Romania. Back in Romania again. The throbbing in my head made it difficult to think straight. I'd never woken up only to feel ten times more horrible than when I went to sleep. My eyes were acutely sore and keeping them open caused the ache in my head to thud repeatedly. It took more effort than it should to hold them open. I felt like I could go back to sleep right now if I tried. I couldn't risk feeling any worse than I did right now.

The fire was completely extinguished and the room had gone cold. There was a small pile of snow that had accumulated on the floor under the open window. The bed was cold too. Nessie wasn't here. Not that I could expect her to be here when it was obviously sometime in the afternoon.

_God_, my head hurt. Sleep is supposed to get rid of headaches, not cause them.

I needed a shower.

I probably needed to eat. Nessie was always telling me to eat. I wasn't hungry, but I hadn't eaten in a while. Begrudgingly, I realized that was probably the reason behind the massive headache. Eating would require getting out of bed. I didn't want to do that either.

I pushed through the aches and pains and forced myself to get up. I wavered slightly when I was standing fully; an overwhelming head rush caused me to lose my balance a little. The mattress certainly seemed comfortable when I laid down yesterday. I didn't understand what caused all the aches and pains. Sleeping too much, maybe? I had to get some food in me before I passed out.

The kitchen was just down the hall from our bedroom. This must be what living in a dorm feels like – communal kitchens and common rooms with only a bedroom as a private space. The kitchen was added onto the original structure some time after Alina and the werewolves started living here. Alina didn't need it anymore, and because the wolves were gone it hadn't been used in a while. I glanced in the fridge. It was packed full, but mostly with stuff that needed to be prepared. I had no energy for cooking. I wondered for a moment what Edward and Bella did with all the food that was in our kitchen at home; well, our old home. It probably grossed them out immensely to have to throw all that food away. Hopefully, everyone who brought food over after the funeral got their dishes back.

I took an apple and a bottle of water. It was one of those fancy European brands in a glass bottle. It tasted kind of funny. I found a glass in an upper cabinet and got some water from the tap. It tasted familiar. Like nothing. That's how water is supposed to taste.

I leaned against the counter and bit into the apple. It tasted fine, crisp and slightly sour, but it felt like lead once it hit my stomach. Eating had been a mistake. It made me feel worse than before. I threw the apple into a nearby trash can and forced the rest of the water down my throat. I felt off balance again; this time, because of the unwelcome water and food in my system. I palmed my eyelids, wishing for a moment that I had poor circulation so my hands would actually be cooler than the rest of my body. The dull ache against my eyes was awful. The pressure of my hands helped somewhat in soothing the ache.

"Good afternoon, Jacob," someone chimed happily. The harsh brightness of the voice against my ears made me wince.

I uncovered my eyes and found a tiny, grinning, pixie-like vampire standing in front of me. Her rich, sugary scent assaulted my senses and intensified the nausea in my stomach. I was never going to eat again. I grasped the counter for balance. The place always reeked of vampires, but her scent in combination with my headache was too intense.

"Hello, Jane," I half-groaned through clenched teeth.

"How are you feeling?" she asked sympathetically.

"I'm fine, tired, but fine." I hadn't taken a look at myself yet, but I must have looked awful. My eyes felt bruised, as if I'd been punched repeatedly.

"The jetlag hit you hard, huh?" she asked, moving closer to me. The air shifted around us and her scent attacked me once more. It was as if I was coming into contact with vampires for the first time, given the way her scent burned my sinuses. I abruptly stepped away from her and hoped the distance would provide some relief.

"Something like that," I mumbled.

"Do you need anything?"

"No. Nothing," I grunted. Why were people always asking if I needed something? I was a grown man. If I needed something I could get it myself.

"I know your room doesn't have much in terms of entertainment and I know you weren't able to take much with you. Alec went on and on about how electronics suck the life out of the room, but I could go to town and purchase something for you. Anything you would like."

"Really, I don't need anything."

"Is there anything in particular you would like to eat? I remembered what you liked the last time you were here, but perhaps your tastes have changed."

The eating thing was definitely getting old. Vampires didn't even eat human food. What did they care? Did Nessie start some kind of "Jacob watch" to make sure I was eating? I shook my head, but she kept talking.

"Do you need some aspirin?"

"Jane, I don't need you to take care of me!" I snapped.

She looked crestfallen for a brief moment, but collected herself quickly. She made her face blank and her soprano voice lowered to the level of an alto. "Fine." Her eyes narrowed and she straightened her shoulders. "I have books to shelve," she uttered as she turned on her heels and silently left the room. She looked pissed, like the old Jane. I knew I would have to apologize later, but at the moment I was pissed too. My head ached, my eyes felt like they were going to fall out of my skull, I was damn tired of being constantly coddled like a four-year-old. I'd been taking care of myself for the past twenty years. I didn't need vampires with their sickening scents constantly reminding me to sleep or eat or ask if I needed something. I didn't need anything.

I still felt a little dizzy after coming into such close contact with Jane, so I decided fresh air would provide the best relief to my pounding head and nauseated stomach. I didn't grab a coat or a pair of shoes, I didn't even know where Jane put them in the first place, and rushed out the door. The fresh mountain air wiped my system clean of the scent of vampires. The icy cold calmed and quieted my aches and pains. I reveled in the initial respite nature provided me, and for the first time since waking up, I felt like I could actually stand to think again.

Everything was going as planned. Nessie and her parents agreed to leave Forks, we were in Romania, and the kids on the reservation were safe. Things could finally be quiet and normal in La Push for the first time in twenty years. The pack had done their job. The kids would grow up free from phasing and all the dangers and responsibilities involved. And Nessie and I would…well…we'd be here.

I talked to Rachel on the phone before we left. I couldn't handle going to see her or the kids. She cried the entire time, begging me not to leave, not after Dad passed away. She asked me repeatedly how she was going to explain to my nieces and nephews the reason their uncle was leaving and never coming back. I had all the reasons worked out in my head, but how she would explain them to her kids so they wouldn't think I was abandoning them…I didn't have an answer for her. Eventually, Paul took the phone from her. He explained that he understood why I was doing what I was doing, promised he would love and take care of Rachel, and said a characteristically unemotional good-bye. Before he hung up, he was sure to tell me I would always be the Alpha and the reservation would always be my home. _My_ home. Not Nessie's home.

Unfortunately, the soothing quality of the clean air was disrupted once again with the stomach-turning scent of vampire. This time it was because of Rye. Sometimes, I found it hard to believe I had become as close to him as Nessie was to Alina. I'd emailed and talked to him regularly over the years, usually when Nessie was deliberately vague about what the Council was doing. I didn't find him as annoying as Nessie did. Even though he was over a hundred years old, he still behaved like a kid, and it was nice to be around someone carefree.

I followed the scent around the perimeter of the castle. When I found Rye, he had his back to me. He was standing in the snow, completely and unnaturally still.

"Hey Rye," I called out to him.

Rye whipped his body around. His eyes were dark and focused. Had I interrupted him while he was hunting? The vampires usually had to go much further out to hunt. The animals instinctively knew not to come close to the castle. His threatening eyes sent a streak of heat up my spine, my stomach muscles clenched, and adrenaline percolated into my bloodstream. The familiar instinct to phase wracked its way through my system, but I ignored it. I knew he wasn't going to attack me.

After Rye processed who was speaking to him, his eyes relaxed and became friendly again. The urge to phase began to recede.

"Hey, Jake!" he yelled back at me. "Glad to see you out of bed."

"What are you doing?" I asked while walking a little closer to him.

"This is kind of a bad time," he said as he glanced over both of his shoulders, his eyes frantically on the look-out. "I'm supposed to be—"

Suddenly, a flurry of wavy auburn hair flew passed us both, and Rye was on the ground. "Gotcha!" the flurry yelled. It was Nessie who was holding Rye to the earth, her legs straddling his midsection, one hand pinning his wrists above his head, and the other pressed firmly against his throat. It would have been an intimate position if not for the way her hand flexed around his neck. She was breathing heavily and I could hear her heart beating even faster than normal. She wasn't nervous or upset though, she was excited. She was in the midst of an adrenaline rush.

"What the hell?!" I shouted, as it was the first thing that came to mind.

"That did not count," Rye said calmly to Nessie. "I was distracted."

"You told me if I saw an advantage I should take it," she spat back at him. Her hand clenched around his wrists a little more securely.

"Fine. Would you get off me now?" he whined.

When her breathing began to calm and her heart rate slowed, Nessie carefully released his neck and stood up. She offered her hand to Rye; he reluctantly took it, and she helped him up stand up. He brushed the snow off his shoulders and out of his hair with a sigh of irritation. She was grinning enthusiastically. Her eyes seemed just a shade darker, and her face was flushed with exhilaration and accomplishment. I hadn't seen her face like that in a long time.

"Nessie, what the hell?" I repeated my earlier question. Nessie glanced up at me like she just noticed I was there.

"Jacob! Hey! How are you feeling? Have you had anything to eat?"

Great. More coddling.

"I got something to eat," I mumbled, hoping it would satisfy her.

"Good, that's good."

"What are you doing?" I asked again, this time to the both of them.

"Oh…um…," Nessie started. The two of them looked at each other nervously, but the huge smile was still plastered on her face. "Rye is teaching me to fight. This is our first lesson actually."

"What?" I asked, confused. The pulsing in my head, which had yet to fade completely, was throbbing with a greater rhythm of discomfort.

"She's been doing pretty well so far," Rye said, somewhat surprised. "Hasn't managed to pin me yet. Give her time though."

"Do you have a selective memory or something? I believe it was you who was just on the ground with my hand on your throat," Nessie confidently fired back. She sounded so much like the guys in the pack, back when the pack was first formed. We constantly insulted and goaded each other on, using our arrogant bravado to prove our worth.

"I was having a conversation with Jake," Rye said defensively.

"I didn't hear you say time out."

"This isn't a game of dodgeball, Nessie," he chided.

"You're just a sore loser," she accused.

"Wait, you're teaching her to fight?" I interrupted. I felt like I was ten steps behind in this conversation. How long had I been asleep?

"Yeah…," Nessie began guiltily. "It's really interesting because he'll always be faster than me. So hopefully, normal vampires will seem slow in comparison." She playfully elbowed him. He nudged her back without missing a beat. When did they become so chummy?

"Nessie, why are you learning to fight? What's going on?" I asked in a hurry. We hadn't taught Nessie much about fighting. Edward discouraged it when she was younger, but even when she was older there was something about it that didn't sit well with me. Perhaps it was my innate instinct to protect her. I would only think of teaching her to fight if there was a legitimate reason to do so.

"Oh, Jake, don't worry. Everything is fine," she said gently, attempting to calm my concerns. "I needed something to do around here and Rye suggested this," she said with a shrug, like it was no big deal. That's not how I saw it.

"If everything is fine then why are you learning to fight?" I argued back.

"Jacob, really, everything is okay," Rye assured me. He proudly put his hand on Nessie's shoulder. "I just wanted to toughen her up a little bit." He squeezed her shoulder affectionately, but Nessie quickly pushed his hand off of her after his snide comment.

"I'm plenty tough," she said boldly.

"So now you're tough? What happened to Miss 'no one will even let me be in a fight'?" Rye asked in a girly, high-pitched voice that wasn't a good impersonation of Nessie at all. One thing I loved about Nessie, she never spoke like the typical girl.

"I think she just had you pinned to the ground," Nessie said with her arms folded and her lips turned up in an arrogant smile I saw on Paul or Jared more often than her. Rye rolled his eyes in response.

I just shook my head because I was still extremely confused. Was I missing the joke? Rye and Nessie never had inside jokes together. I palmed my eyelids again. The ache was still there with just as much intensity and I regretted not taking Jane up on that aspirin.

"Jake, do you want to go for a walk or something? We can take a break for while," Nessie said. I lowered my hands. The concern I had consistently seen in her eyes for the past week was back. Maybe it was because of my headache, but for some reason, the concern suddenly irritated me. If she gave me that look I could be sure it was going to be followed by lots of questions and concerns about my health – most of them probably about what I was eating.

"There are no breaks in this dojo," Rye said seriously.

"Shut-up," she playfully snapped back.

"Alright, fine. We're having another lesson tomorrow for sure though, okay?"

"Yes, yes."

"Good. I'll see you guys later." Rye sped around the castle and toward the front entrance. Nessie and I were alone. She looked up at me and smiled, but it wasn't very genuine. She was too worried. She was always worrying.

Silently, we began walking through the woods, our footprints in the snow leaving a path behind us. I didn't move to take her hand and she didn't move to take mine. It wasn't lost on me that we hadn't kissed or hugged or touched each other in any capacity in several days – not since she tried to show me images of my dad. My abrupt aversion to the pictures in her head must have scared her off. Most of the time, I really loved it when she shared her thoughts with me. We could sit and have whole conversations where she wouldn't have to say a word. Quite often when we were in public, usually in a museum or a grocery store, she'd touch my forearm or my shoulder to share something humorous to make me laugh. She'd laugh as well, but usually because of the perplexed faces of strangers who were confused by my random fits of snickering, since no one said a joke or did anything else that would justify my laughter. Once in a while, when we were in public and not with her father, she'd sneak her hand into mine and send me really inappropriate images that included her, me, nudity, and a bed. Whenever possible, we'd drop whatever we were doing and rush home. I knew she was holding off from touching me now because she was afraid of accidently sending me images I wasn't ready to see. She was right to be afraid because she did that all the time, especially when she was nervous or excited or distracted in any way. To be honest, I didn't want to risk it either. I don't know if I could handle seeing images of my nieces and nephews or the Doghouse or my dad and be able to accept the life we had here. Not yet anyway.

Nessie periodically snapped branches off the trees and nervously broke them with her fingers. I just kept staring at the ground. Her boots were soaked through and her hair and back were partially wet – meaning that she must have been pinned several times. I envisioned Rye forcing her tiny body against the cold snow, his eyes dark and ferocious. The adrenaline uncomfortably worked its way back up my spine. As much as I trusted Rye, he was still stronger and faster than her. If he was actually thinking as a hunter, he would see her as his prey, not as his friend. She did have blood running through her veins after all. He could break her if he wanted, possibly if he wasn't careful. He could hurt her. I swallowed back a lump of stress and kept my voice as calm as I could.

"I could have taught you," I said quietly.

"I've asked you before. You guys don't give me a chance to actually learn. Even Emmett goes easy on me," she said back just as quietly.

"I've shown you some techniques."

"You can only teach me to fight like a werewolf. I'm not a werewolf, Jake." She threw the last of her broken branches to the ground. I really disliked it when she would make obvious comments like that.

"You're not a vampire either," I barked, my voice involuntarily becoming tenser. I knew she hated it just as much when she thought I was patronizing her.

"The only thing I could potentially fight is a vampire," she argued.

"You just said I shouldn't worry. Is that true or isn't it?"

"Are you really going to pick a fight over this?" she asked.

"I don't know, Ness. Should I?"

We were standing face to face with our shoulders squared off. It had been a while since we had one our well-known fights. The reasoning behind our fights varied from the incredibly stupid to the deeply serious. In recent years, they were usually for stupid reasons. For example, one of our blowouts was over the fact that I never put my clothes in the hamper and still expected her to do my laundry. Stupid, boring stuff. We were both just hardheaded people. Most fights didn't last more than a day, and we always made up before we went to bed. Then there was the other kind of fights - the ones that ended with breaking up and living on different sides of the globe. I didn't know which direction this fight was going. It seemed like one of the stupid ones, but the making up part seemed so far out of reach.

"Why don't you want me to do this? I'm not a kid."

"I know that. I'm not arguing that."

"Then you've got to give me a good reason."

I thought for a few seconds, but nothing useful came to mind. It wasn't a bad thing if Nessie were to learn to protect herself. The idea of her getting hurt in the process bothered me, but I knew she wasn't going to accept that as a valid argument. "Doesn't this go against the Council charter or something?" I said finally. I knew this argument wasn't going to work either, but I wasn't ready to admit defeat.

"That's it?" she said, increasingly annoyed. "You're right, we do promote non-violence, but there's no reason I shouldn't learn to defend myself, especially given our line of work."

"Now you sound like you're trying a pick a fight. Do you actually want someone to hurt you?"

"No, of course not."

"Because you take that risk with Rye." I realized that was a major mistake right after I said it. I blamed the headache.

"I'm going to pretend you did not just accuse one of our best friends of potentially hurting me. That's not okay."

"Fine. Whatever," I scoffed. I turned away from her and started back toward the castle.

"What's the matter with you?" she yelled from a few steps behind.

"Nothing." Fine, nothing, okay…these were words I had used in excess lately.

"Stop saying that. Something is wrong. And stop saying that you're fine. You are not fine."

"Yes, I am!" I shouted. I knew shouting it more or less negated my claim, but the truth was something I didn't really want to face.

"Jacob!" She quickened her pace so she was standing directly in front of me and I had to stop or run into her. I refused to look her in the eye. "You've been sleeping constantly, you don't eat, and you look like you're in pain, _physical_ pain. I can tell."

"Leave it alone, Ness," I warned.

"Leave what alone? Talk to me," she begged. She reached for my arm. I felt the heat radiating from her fingertips, but I stepped back just before her hand made contact with my skin. I caught her face then. The look in her eyes was a mixture of anger and trepidation.

What was there to talk about? The fact that we were living in this awful place away from our families? How I would never see my sisters again? How I would never see my pack brothers again? They would all grow old with their loved ones. They would grow old, and eventually they, like my dad, would be gone, and I would be forgotten. I would become another legend told around a bonfire. I would become as meaningless to my nieces and nephews as the legends once were to me. Just scary stories. Talking wouldn't change anything. It would just make it more painful.

"Look, I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat. I don't want you asking me questions all the god damn time!"

"Fine. Do whatever the hell you want. I don't care. I'm done," she stated with a dramatic wave of her hand.

"Good," I muttered under by breath.

"I'm going to go find Rye. Let me know when you're done being a jackass." She sprinted through the snow and toward the front entrance. Jackass? That word usually only came out during the stupid fights, but this didn't feel like a stupid fight.

The forest was completely silent. My headache, temporarily forgotten in the heat of the moment, was throbbing just as badly as before.

I didn't want to go find her.

I didn't want to talk.

I just wanted to go back to bed.

* * *

A/N: I received some questions/comments from FictionFan07, but I have to answer them here because she has PM's turned off.

**Are Jacob and Nessie married now?**

I was wondering if anyone would ever ask this. The answer to that will come up. Details like that are revealed as the characters naturally think of them. I don't want to explain everything in one big summary. There has been some clues left here and there, but more concrete information will be revealed in a future chapter.

**Through the entire series I have struggled with the way you have written Bella and Edward, especially Bella. I know she is her mother, and Bella's personality did change quite drastically in the second half of Breaking Dawn after she was turned, but it just feels weird to read her like I used to read Esme.**

Um…that's a fair criticism. To be honest, I don't spend a lot of time trying to capture Edward and Bella perfectly. I plan on tweaking things as they are beta'd, but generally, my idea behind Bella was that in the beginning she and Edward spoiled Nessie and allowed her to become a brat. Neither of them were very good parents in that sense. If Nessie had the ability to change, Bella and Edward could certainly become better parents. When Nessie's selfishness comes to the surface now, Bella has the ability to put her in her place. For the purposes of the story, I needed Bella to be a mother, not a friend. So, Bella does end up being a little more Esme than she does Renee.

Please send some love, because I'm really bummed about not being able to see the movie at midnight. Listening to the soundtrack just makes me more depressed. Although, that soundtrack could make anyone depressed. I hope you all have your tickets!


	10. I'm Much too Fast to Take that Test

A/N: Yay! The semester is done! Sorry about the long hiatus, but it had to happen. Next semester is going to be really fun and really sleep-deprived. Senior project, anyone? But for now, I'm on winter break and going to attempt to write as much as possible.

Even though it was a while ago, I wanted to comment on the general consensus on the last chapter in which everyone was pretty depressed. Let's take a step back and gain some perspective. Before I write a story, I decide what questions I want to address about the characters. In the previous stories, I tried to cover topics such as imprinting, finding oneself, fertility, abilities, and the state of the supernatural world. One of the story arcs for _Black_ is about Jacob dealing with leaving his family and friends. Right now, the story is in the thick of that plot point and it is going to be tough to get through. I do have my reasons and I'm going to have to ask to you stick with me because there is still so much ahead. I can also tell you that this is the final story. I've planned it out as such.

Thanks to Fonzie'sGirl, Cindy, cocolin, JacobAPotter, lql, aschim, FictionFan07, BlackTreaderWolf, AugustFirst, & Nic0408 for writing reviews and messages! Merry Christmas!

**Chapter V: I'm Much too Fast to Take that Test **

I thought he was here. I could smell him, but it was tricky to keep my nose on it. His scent had such an ephemeral quality to it, especially in winter. With only the waxy surface of the needles of the evergreen trees to stick to, the scent became even more elusive. I hated this part of the exercise. I still found his scent to be unpleasant. The smell wasn't soft like flowers, or sweet like sugar, it was surprisingly thick, like burning incense, and somehow it was still difficult to follow. When I would come across it, it felt like it hung in the air, filling up my sinuses and sticking to my lungs. I couldn't explain why I was so distinctively repulsed by his scent. It seemed as arbitrary as attraction. Unfortunately, there was also something supernatural attached to it and it made me God-damned disagreeable as a result.

The wind shifted and a rush of air warmed by the scent of Rye's perfume assaulted my senses. I did my best to concentrate on figuring out the trail. That was the skill we were working on today: tracking. My sense of smell was supposedly one of my greatest assets and I didn't utilize it enough. I thought I utilized all the time, but Rye wasn't convinced. With him, I was instructed to rely on my sense of smell because he was so fast my eyes and my hearing could not keep up with him. Only by following his scent would I ever be able to figure out the patterns of his movements and then be able to predict how he would fight in a battle. But tracking was difficult no matter what, and I didn't have a natural talent for it.

I tried to ignore the headache the scent was causing me and turned south, believing that was the direction where the trail was leading. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I was right. I probably wasn't concentrating enough. The cry of a hawk rang out in the icy silence, followed by an awkward choking sound. The hawk must have captured a rabbit or a squirrel. I jumped over a frozen creek and heard the fish swimming under the ice. Somewhere up the mountain, a sheet of ice and snow was falling. I got caught up in the sound of the majestic crackle and the thundering crashes, nature's own symphony. The wind whipped through the trees and I was struck with the sharp purity of the mountain air. It was with that pointed intake of breath that I realized that for the last few seconds I wasn't paying attention to tracking whatsoever. After running a few hundred yards more I still didn't find another trace of Rye's scent, so I decided to turn around and try a different direction. The second after I had my eyes set on my previous course, I felt a sharp kick to my back, and my face was in the snow. I felt a steady, but not hurtful, pressure against the back of my neck and I realized if I moved, it would only increase the pressure and my thin neck would snap. I had nowhere to go. I was trapped and within another second I could be dead. I patiently held still, turned my head to the side, and cursed.

"Damn it! Get off me!" I shouted. The pressure disappeared and the weight against my back was gone. When I glanced up, Rye was standing above me looking frustrated. Why should he be frustrated? I was the one with my face against the ground.

"That's the fourth time today," he said coldly.

"No kidding," I said back just as icily.

"Are you even trying?"

"Of course I'm trying! I must have been on the right track at first, right? Since you came at me from behind." I must have been close; I just wasn't paying attention. I wasn't going to inform Rye of what was going through my head as I was running. He would scold me even further.

"Yeah, but then you second-guessed yourself and you became an easy target. You've got to learn to trust your instincts."

"Whatever," I mumbled. I kicked the trunk of a tall pine tree causing the icicles hanging on the branches above to shake. A few made ominous crackling sounds, but they held to the top of the tree. Just a little more shouting might encourage them to fall. Rye only sighed beside me.

"Maybe we should take a break," he said while he rubbed his forehead.

"No. I want to try again," I immediately responded. Training was my only activity during the past three weeks. We would run for miles and miles away from the castle, finding the most treacherous and interesting locations to stage our sparring matches. We worked from the time the sun was up until I was too exhausted to continue. It made my life easier if I crashed the moment we got back.

"Your head is not in the right place," Rye insisted calmly.

"I've got a lot on my mind," I grumbled.

"We all do." He was right. I knew the entire time he was training me his mind wasn't far from thinking about Alina. Her behavior had not varied much in the past weeks. Just as Rye told me that first night, Alina did spend her days sitting on the computer searching through articles and waiting for some kind of pattern to emerge from the screen. She'd taken to putting up Post-its on the walls of Ántonia's office that would list possible stories or crimes that might support her theory. I didn't understand why. It's not as if her vampire memory would allow her to forget anything she read. We humored her. There didn't seem to be another option, since we believed her obsessive behavior was being fed by her fears about feeding for the first time. It was only two months away now.

Alina was never far from my thoughts either, but someone else had naturally taken the forefront. Jacob. Jacob and three weeks of the silent treatment. Well, we weren't explicitly silent, we did talk, but more like roommates than anything else. We chatted about food, the weather, what I practiced in training that day, the occasional book or movie, and that was about it. We didn't talk about the fight that set up this current situation. I would come back the castle so exhausted from training all day I would fall into bed and be asleep before Jacob joined me. If he wanted to talk, he would have to wake me up. I'd been sleeping quite soundly.

"I'm sorry," Rye said, waking me from my distraction. "But I have to be hard on you. You've got a lot more issues to work around in order to be able to hold your own against a vampire."

"I know, I know. My stupid beating heart." Rye had muttered that phrase under his breath over and over again while trying to figure out a strategy for me in getting around it. He had yet to come up with one.

"You're never going to be able to sneak up on anyone. I can hear you coming a mile away."

"There isn't anything I can do about that."

"That's why you've have to learn to work around your shortcomings. Take Alina for example, her muscles are slow, but she's just as strong and her senses are as razor sharp as the rest of us. So, she studied vampires and the way we fight. She learned to read body language. Combine that with her ability to know your location and when she fights she only has to make one move. She takes in her opponent, recognizes out how to go about ripping the head off, and then the fight is over."

"Well, that's great advice. I'll just hold my opponent's hand and paint them pretty pictures in my head until they are bored to death," I seethed. We tried utilizing my ability in a fight, but we found it just didn't work. I hoped I could be like Zafrina and distract my opponents with images. However, the imagery I made wasn't nearly comparable to Zafrina's. Zafrina could completely dislodge one from their senses and make them believe they are in a different place. My images just didn't have that effect. Rye said it was distracting, but I tended to think about the battle I was fighting, thus revealing my strategy to the opponent and actually making it easier for them to win. Plus, Rye said while I showed him imagery, it didn't take him out of his environment nor did it cause him to lose his hold of his senses. My abilities were useless against an opponent and my heart gave me away. The entire training effort was beginning to feel like a waste of time, but I wasn't ready to give up on it.

Rye leaned up against the tree I had recently kicked and looked up at the sharp, sparkling points of the icicles. They could probably kill a human. "You're able to unblock barriers, right? To open up the subconscious?" he asked as he stared upwards.

"Yes." I whispered my response. He already knew the answer. He also already knew how I felt about it.

"Ness, that's your weapon," he whispered back like a plea.

"No. I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asked, his exasperation growing.

"Because it's completely unpredictable. And, it's cruel."

"Because what we've been doing for the past three weeks, practicing how to rip off someone's head, isn't cruel?"

I didn't appreciate him belittling my concerns. He just didn't understand the consequences. "I can't handle that. I can't control what I see. I'll have to live with those images forever. Can you imagine knowing the kind of evil filth that once lurked in Aro's mind? It's awful," I groaned at the end. I wanted those thoughts gone and I wanted to avoid adding more shocking imagery to my head even more. I held my arms tightly against my middle and stared at the imprint my body made with the snow. I was reminded of the reservation. The wolves always thought it was funny when the vampires made snow angels. Thinking about the wolves and the reservation always kept the scary images out of the front of my mind.

Rye pushed himself off the tree and stepped forward so he was standing only a few inches from me. I kept my eyes away from him. I didn't want him to convince me to do this. "Nessie, I know you've seen some downright messed up stuff, but that's our world. For some people, it's violent and scary and sometimes just wrong. If you're going to live here and be a part of the Council, that's what you're going to have to learn to deal with. Deal with it and be strong enough to lead despite your knowledge of how bad things might be." He gently brushed some snowflakes off my shoulder and pushed my bangs off of my face. It was the most contact, vampire or otherwise, I had had in weeks. "I know you're scared," he said gently, in a way that made me forget his disagreeable scent and remember what a good friend he was. "This is going to prove how brave you are."

"I've only done it a few times." Four times to be exact. When I performed it on Ántonia and Madeline the results were somewhat expected because I was removing barriers put on their minds from outside sources. Were I to use on them a second time, I surmised I would enter their subconscious. When I used it against Aro and once on my father, I brought their greatest fears or secrets to light. Aro was hiding terrible secrets about killing his sister, manipulating Marcus, and plans about creating his own hybrids. I was forced to be a witness to the very secrets and sins that completely destroyed his authority and his right to lead. I only used it on my father because he was so adamantly curious about how it worked. He read minds, but everything he heard was on a conscious level. Even Aro's ability had been on a conscious level. It was difficult to describe what I could do.

I only held my father's hand for a few seconds before I felt his body seize violently and I instantly tore my hand away. I saw darkness in his mind, severe, soul-splitting darkness, along with a horrifying desperation for death. I couldn't bring myself to ask what it was about nor could he bring himself to tell me. He spent an entire day after that holed up in his bedroom with my mother. Carlisle told me it was probably a reminder of a very bad time and that it might be best not to bring it up again, so I didn't.

"Then you need to practice," Rye instructed. He took a step back, took a quick breath, and seemed to physically brace himself – as if that would make a difference. "Whenever you're ready."

I laughed uncomfortably. "This isn't a good idea."

"Doesn't matter. I'm the only option for a guinea pig anyway. I know you won't test this out on Jane." He was right about that too.

"Are you sure? I don't want to give you nightmares."

"I don't sleep," he said with a roll of his eyes.

"You don't have to sleep to have nightmares," I warned. Just ask my father.

He focused his eyes, and unlike me, he wouldn't second guess his decision. "Just do it," he ordered.

Reluctantly, I took several steps back so there was a good fifteen feet separating us. I kept my eyes focused on Rye's the entire time just in case he changed his mind. He was steady and unflinching so I allowed myself a few moments to mentally prepare. Although, all that went through my head was how much I believed this was truly a terrible, terrible idea. I exhaled once and watched my hot breath dissipate into the cold air. Rye would know when I was ready to move. He said my heart would speed up. He could even recognize the moment the adrenaline entered my bloodstream. He'd been working with me too long though. With a final breath I shot forward, my quick feet making strange indentations in the snow. I lunged for his throat, but he easily caught my arm and forced it above my head. I used my free hand to grasp his forearm, the nearest patch of skin my hand could reach, and let my mental rubber band snap.

At first, it felt amazing. It was like receiving the most cooling relief for a headache I didn't even know I had. Within the next millisecond, the feeling of relief was gone. I saw a woman, but the image of her was oddly degraded. It reminded me of looking at a blown up low-quality photograph, pixilated and blurry. The woman walked toward me, her dark hair was wild and blowing in the wind. I couldn't quite make out her eyes or her intent, but I was filled with a great sense of foreboding. Internally, I questioned this fear because I didn't even know who this person was, so I shouldn't have had such a feeling of dread. I heard a muffled grunt beside me and I was shaken from my thoughts. Rye's face was pinched together and his breath was coming too fast. Of course, I had no reason to be afraid, but Rye did.

I gripped his forearm with both of my hands and threw Rye to the ground. He landed with a thud and just as he began to shake his head free of the memories, my boot was on his chest, ready with the proper leverage to crush it like the surrounding snow. The icicles tinkled above us and finally a few were coaxed down from the branches, crashing around us. I didn't even glance at them. I was too caught up in the fear I found in Rye's eyes. Fear_ I_ had caused.

"Ness," he called out in a breathy whisper.

Suddenly, I was awoken from the rush the attack was granting me. I was left shocked by two things: One, I was holding down my best friend's husband; only inches from killing him. And two, I actually had done it.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I said quickly, already filled with regret. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm…I think I'm okay. My ears might be ringing." He sat up and I landed on my knees beside him. I thought about rubbing his back or giving him a hug, but touching is what got us into this situation in the first place. Touching was just bad in general.

"I told you this was a bad idea."

"That's what I wanted you to do, and I was right. That was scary as hell. I've never felt so out of control within my own head." I had felt his fears, even though I didn't exactly understand them. "That's not what I expected to see," he confessed.

"You expected to see Alina," I mused.

"Yeah, losing her is my greatest fear. I thought for sure I'd see her dead or something…" His words faded away, not that I could blame him. Losing Alina was the worst thing he could imagine, something he must have hated to think of, but it seemed my ability didn't bring what one expected to light.

"But that's not in your subconscious. That's something you're aware of. Who was the woman?"

"It was Molly," he said plainly.

"Who's Molly?" I naturally asked.

"Molly changed me." Rye looked up at quizzically, as if he were just as confused about his fears as I was moments before.

"Oh. I don't know much about the circumstances of your change," I admitted. Rye told my family and me the day we met him that his change was during one of his workout sessions. He was a track star and was expected to take gold in the 1912 Stockholm Olympics. Sadly, that dream was cut short for Rye when he was changed. Until now, I didn't know who had done the changing.

"That's because _I_ don't know much about it. My only memories of Molly are from when I was human. They're kind of blurry." This explained the fuzzy feel to his memories. "I haven't thought about her in a long time, not consciously, I suppose."

"She abandoned you after she changed you?" I was surprised. Changing a human was such a difficult task, it seemed unlikely that a vampire would do so arbitrarily. Or, that they would leave a newborn vampire alone with their thirst.

"I guess. I don't really know what she meant to do or why she did it. I didn't even realize she was the one responsible for it until I was out of my crazy newborn stage a few months later."

"What do you remember of her?" I inquired. I may have been pulling at straws though since his memories were so unclear.

"You know how humans can display what their abilities might be after they are changed?"

"Yes, my mother was shield even before she was a vampire."

"Yeah, well, I was a good athlete; a _really_ good athlete. It came naturally. I barely had to work at it. I also happened to be rather…social." Rye scooped up some snow and formed it into a snowball to avoid looking me in the eye. "Having friends and meeting girls was never a problem. I guess you would have called me a playboy in my day."

"Good grief," I mumbled. I loathed the very arrogant side to Rye. Happily, I saw less and less of him over the course of our friendship. I thought about scooping up some snow as well. I wanted to have a snowball ready to throw at him depending on what he said next. I wasn't very good at making snowballs, unfortunately. They would melt halfway in my hands before I had a chance to throw them.

"But Molly, she was the most beautiful thing I ever laid my eyes on. Now I understand why I thought that then. She was a vampire, of course she was beautiful. Ironic, that I can't even remember her clearly now."

All I saw of her in his memories was long dark hair and a nice figure. It didn't surprise me this is what stuck in his mind the most. He was a man after all. "Were you in love with her?" I dared to ask.

"Maybe I was at the time. She always wanted to be around me and she was so beautiful. I was a little shallow back then."

"Back then?" I asked incredulously. The words popped out. I couldn't stop myself.

"Come on, Ness. Give me a break. I've been married to Alina for almost ten years. I'm not as shallow as I once was."

"Sorry. I'll give you credit for that." He had grown into quite the mature young man. He'd been giving me plenty of good advice in the past weeks. "The more important question is, why are you afraid of her?"

Rye threw the snowball back and forth between his hands as he mulled it over. Rye obviously felt something for her while he was human, and it probably wasn't fear. Yet now, when her image, or at least her silhouette, entered his mind he was filled with panic. "I've never understood what a relationship with a sire is supposed to be. Are you supposed to resent them or respect them or hate them or fall in love with them? I suppose I'm afraid I owe her something."

Half my family had been changed by Carlisle and it never seemed like they felt they owed him something for that reason alone. We all loved him and the fact that he shared venom with Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, and my father made them, well, related in a sense. Yet any duty they felt toward him or each other was truly heartfelt. Of course, Alice didn't know who her sire was and Jasper and Maria's relationship was not based on love. From my perspective, it didn't seem like Rye felt any residual love for Molly, so whatever her reason for changing him, it wasn't enough to stick around. "Well, she left you regardless. Where is she now?"

"She's probably dead, maybe even before my change was completed. A hundred years is a long time to go unnoticed."

"It can be done." I couldn't help thinking of Ántonia and Sasha. With the right abilities, anything is possible. "What color were her eyes?" I asked suddenly.

Rye's eyes darted back and forth as he tried to recall the detail. "I don't know. I don't remember."

"They must not have been red. You would have noticed that right away." A vampire mingling regularly with humans was quite a rare event during that era. My family was virtually the only ones who were known to do it. However, Rye had mentioned spending a great deal of time with Molly. She couldn't have handled herself around humans if she was also feeding on them.

"Huh, I never thought of that." Rye's eyes began to dart back and forth even more rapidly, but he didn't say anything else.

The sun was beginning to set behind the mountains and the air was already colder. "Let's go back to the castle. I think we've done enough for one day." I stood up and began brushing the snow off my wet clothes. Rye jumped up and grasped my arm to get my attention.

"Wait, what was it like for you? At least that image wasn't too scary, right? Not as scary as Aro I hope."

"No, not as scary as Aro," I agreed with a small smile. "It was different this time, maybe because I had a secondary objective in mind in trying to pin you down. At first I felt your fear, but somehow I realized how unfounded it was for me to feel that way. I had no reason to be scared. They didn't reflect my own fears. Once I realized that, I was able to distance myself from it and focus on fighting you."

"Imagine if you could do that even faster. So fast you wouldn't have to witness too much of the bad stuff. You'd be able to take down an opponent and even keep your sanity."

"We can only hope," I said with a laugh as I punched him in the shoulder. "Let's go back."

It was late afternoon, but early for Rye and I to be returning to the castle. We were removing our wet boots in the foyer when Jane came bounding up the hallway.

"Good. You're both back. I think you should see Alina," Jane instructed the two of us.

"What's going on?" Rye asked her.

"She's acting strangely," Jane responded. Rye never asked Jane to keep an eye on Alina's behavior, so for her to notice something could be very bad. I only caught a glimpse of the panic on Rye's face before he disappeared down the hallway.

I turned to Jane and asked quickly, "What do you mean 'strange'?"

"I mean, she's overexcited, I suppose. She's been muttering on and on about the attacks."

I sighed, relieved that it wasn't anything more than that. "Can you go check on Jacob for me?"

Jane's shoulders instantly drooped. Since Jacob and I were stuck on either side of the war of silence, I had used Jane as my go-between to check if he needed anything. Regrettably, I was probably abusing her kindness at the same time. I wasn't the only person Jacob was cold toward. "Please? I swear I'm going to talk to him soon," I lied. "I have to check on Alina."

"Fine. This fight is going to end soon though, isn't it?"

"Of course. We're just being stubborn," I said with a pleasant smile. I had no idea if this fight was going to end, ever.

Reluctantly, she turned away and headed for my bedroom. I caught up with Rye and Alina in Ántonia's study three seconds later. Unfortunately, Jane was being nice when she called Alina strange, because she wasn't acting strange, she was looking _crazy_. The number of Post-its lining the walls and bookcases had doubled. Alina walked in a determined and dizzying circle around the perimeter of the room, reading the messy scrawl over and over again. Pulling some down and ripping them or rearranging them into a more sensible order. All the while she was mumbling softly to herself. I caught phrases like, "just one more," or "this is it," or even "they'll see, they'll see." She looked truly deranged. Rye just stood there, looking concerned and panicked, with no idea what to do. I decided to speak up.

"Alina? Are you alright?"

She spun around, turning her body in the direction of my voice, and stopped to take a good look at me. "You are back! Thank God! I have news!" Her normally calm and melodic voice sounded oddly shrill.

"What news?" I asked tentatively.

"There has been another attack!" she shouted at me. She rushed across the room to another bookshelf and started reading over the scribbles on that wall. I glanced over at Rye. He just shrugged his shoulders

"What? Really? What kind of attack?" I didn't really want to know the answer.

"Just like the others. It is being named as an animal attack, but it is quite suspect and absolutely gruesome. Just terrible." Her musical voice sounded wrong when delivering such a message, like she was singing off-key.

"Okay. And where was it?"

"That is the best part." She spun around to face Rye and I. Her eyes were almost spinning and she had a hugely satisfied grin across her face. "It is in Zagreb! Natalie and Cristian are only sixty miles outside of Zagreb. They can investigate. I have already called them."

"Oh, good," I agreed half-heartedly. "Hopefully, it is just an animal attack. You told them to be careful, right?"

"Yes, yes. Of course I told them to be cautious. I am the one who believes it is vampires, am I not?"

"So, we just wait until we hear from them?"

"For now. They may need us to meet them there."

Oh god. I couldn't imagine taking Alina anywhere right now. Somehow, she seemed completely oblivious to the shock on our faces or she just didn't care. Either reaction would be cause for concern.

"Alright, so we wait." I looked at Rye again. He took a breath and nodded. If only we could fast forward through the next few weeks and have the whole awful ordeal behind us. This was not the Alina I knew and loved. Alina was always calm and collected. She made plans based on evidence and reason. She didn't construct dangerous fireplaces and mutter on and on about how pleased she was about a potential vampire attack. Was she just overstressed? Was she just nervous? Alina and I hadn't talked about her thirst yet, per Rye's request, but I couldn't keep silent on it any longer. She might endanger herself or one of us. "Alina, I think we need to talk about what is going to happen in two months."

"Nessie—" Rye immediately spoke up.

"Rye, we have to," I interrupted. "We can't pretend it isn't going to happen." Rye was shaking his head, but when Alina turned around she didn't seem too perturbed about it.

"Nessie, there is no reason to discuss it. Rye and I have already decided what is to be done." Her voice hit yet another uncomfortable octave as she pretended to be composed.

"I know, but you don't seem to be handling it well."

Her jaw snapped shut. She let the papers in her hands fall to the floor. "I am handling it as well as can be expected."

I stayed frozen in my spot – afraid to make any sudden movements. "Alina, this is part of you. It's part of all of us."

"No!" Her hand hit the back of a leather chair, punctuating her short sentence with a quick, snapping sound. The fingers of her hands curled like talons and every movement seemed more like a twitch. "It is not. Not like this," she groaned through her teeth.

I was scared. My friend was disappearing before my eyes. "You're right. But please, trust me. I want to help you. Rye, Jane, and I, we want to help you." I promised.

"What would help me most is if the two of you would stop staring at me like I am insane."

She honestly didn't see herself? I decided to take a different tactic, risky as it was, and went on the offensive. Perhaps all my weeks of training created a new willingness for me to go on the attack. "Alina, come on. You've been completely irrational for weeks. These attacks are not vampire-related. You're upset because you're going to have to kill a human in a few weeks."

"I have every right to be upset. I was human only ten years ago. I do not desire blood. I am nearly more human than I am vampire. Imagine being forced to kill one of your own. I do not have another choice."

"You're right. I don't understand what you're going through, but I understand you're in pain. Please, just—"

"Enough!" Her gnarled hands went to cover her ears and her eyes pinched shut. Completely enraged, she grasped an adjacent heavy marble table top and whipped it toward Rye and I. We were able to duck and turn in time to see it crash into the wall behind us, scattering books, notes, and the remnants of an antique clock all over the room. Alina stood on the opposite side, breathing through her anger, with her eyes intently focused on me. I feared she was studying my body language. "Do not speak to me anymore," she commanded and left the room.

I walked over to the pile of debris and tapped a few chunks of the broken marble with my feet. For just one fleeting, stupid moment, I let myself mourn the loss of Ántonia's possessions.

"I told you not to bring it up," Rye murmured behind me.

Given how very badly that encounter just went I knew I would have to defend it. "You told me to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't act out. She's suffering. This behavior is evidence of that!"

"I take it back! Just stay out of it!" he shouted and then tried to make a break for the door. Somehow, I got myself in front of him and made him pause.

"Rye! She's not human. You can't let her think that way," I said.

"Leave it alone!" he demanded and sped past me and out the exit.

I was more than ready to throw a heavy marble tabletop across the room. This was the second time I'd been told to "leave it alone." The first was from Jacob. Whenever I put my efforts into anything, things seemed to turn out much worse than if I'd done nothing at all. However, I didn't regret speaking harshly to Alina. She would have done the same to me if I had been behaving irrationally. In fact, if she were in her right mind, she would have certainly scolded me for my current situation with Jacob. How completely dense was it for the two of us to ignore each other so blatantly? All it did was hurt us. Every moment since this game of silence began I had been missing him, and during this moment it was hurting more pointedly than ever.

Feeling a rush of need to see him I walked out of the study and looked for Jacob in the bedroom. He wasn't there. Using my recently practiced tracking skills I easily found him a few feet away in the kitchen. He was making himself a sandwich, looking domestic and oddly carefree compared to the major fight that just went on in Ántonia's study. Jane wasn't here. From an objective point of view, there didn't appear to be anything wrong with Jacob. Not like before, when he wasn't eating and all he would do was sleep. This abrupt change caused more fear in me than anything else. He was still broken, but in a different way, like a broken bone that didn't heal correctly. He still functioned, but his behavior didn't feel right.

"Hi," he said pleasantly, but his greeting wasn't what it should have been. I remembered the days when he used to embrace me the moment he saw me, kiss my lips, and nuzzle my neck affectionately.

"Hi," I answered back.

"What's going on? Did I hear a crash just a little bit ago?"

"Yeah, I was fighting with Alina. She's not well. Did she tell you there has been another attack?"

"Yeah, she broke through the bedroom door without knocking to tell me about it. She looked a little giddy too." He laughed as he opened the fridge and began putting some of his sandwich items away.

"Don't make jokes," I said, exasperated.

"I'm not. She had a smile on her face." Jacob shook his head, but he didn't demonstrate her smile. He hadn't really smiled in weeks. Everything between us felt fake. I didn't know how to fix it, short of yelling at him, and that didn't work so well the last time.

"She's freaking out about feeding for the first time."

"I figured."

"I tried to talk to her about it, but she wouldn't hear any of it." I couldn't tell if he was catching on to my not-so-subtle reminder of our fight. I had tried to talk to Jacob and he shut me out. That was why it was so important that he came to me first. He wasn't going to talk about what was bothering him unless he wanted to.

"You hungry?" he asked.

Was he joking? Was he making fun of me? No, he was serious. Our talk had gotten too close to something significant, so he segued back to the safe topics: food, weather, books, and movies.

"I hunted while we were training."

"Okay. I'm going to take my sandwich into the room. I was watching a movie. You coming?"

"Yeah, in a minute."

He picked up his sandwich and a soda and walked away.

I sighed. One battle at a time.


	11. I Watch the Ripples Change their Size

A/N: Thanks to JacobAPotter, kmddeprez1122, & Fonzie'sGirl for writing reviews! Happy New Year everyone!

**Chapter VI: ****I Watch the Ripples Change their Size**

Another two weeks went by painfully slowly, excruciatingly slowly. Time has a way of standing still when you have no one but yourself to talk to. Alina wouldn't have anything to do with me, and I refused to apologize because I couldn't let her think she was right or that I was wrong. I wasn't going to enable her crazy any longer. I could understand why her situation was upsetting to her, but I was really becoming concerned about her judgment. Thinking that she was more human than vampire? That couldn't be a sign of anything good. Plus, throwing furniture across the room was not going to go unpunished. Rye stopped speaking to me out of solidarity with his wife. Plus, he was probably afraid of her. Coward.

To be fair, not everyone was giving me the silent treatment. Jane was still talking to me, but she would only do so when she was sure Alina was out of hearing range. She wasn't afraid of Alina, with her power Jane shouldn't be afraid of anyone, but she didn't want to set Alina off again, and unfortunately, Alina was easier to set off than ever. Natalie and Cristian called back a few days after the attack in Zagreb and told us they didn't find anything suspicious. Although there was no explanation as to how a woman in such a large city could be attacked by a wild animal, there were no scents, no evidence, no vampires. Luckily, Alina was in her own bedroom when she got the news and proceeded to destroy her own furniture. Jane got to go on a big shopping trip the next day. Needless to say, the calmer Alina remained, the better.

To make things worse, because of the fight with Alina my training had abruptly ended as well, which really sucked because training had been the only thing that prevented me from dwelling on the less than stellar events going on in my life.

I still went out for walks throughout the mountains during the day. I couldn't stand to sit in that castle and do nothing with no one. Even though I lacked a partner, I tried to practice the skills Rye had diligently taught me. I tracked animals, but they proved too easy to find. I reached the limits of my speed by flying in between trees and exercised my agility by climbing up dangerous mountain sides. I tested the limits of my strength by crushing boulders and knocking down trees full of heavy icicles, but that may have served more as a catharsis for my frustration than anything else. And I had a god damn truckload of stuff to be frustrated about. The only thing I didn't practice was my special ability to open the subconscious, because even though I didn't want to use it nor did I have anyone to practice on, I knew it would be effortless to utilize if the opportunity arose. Actually using that ability had always been easy; it was the aftermath which followed that was difficult to deal with.

I was sliding along a frozen creek, occasionally stomping my feet to form cracks or create holes in the ice. I loved seeing the water flowing underneath. It was mesmerizing. The surface of the ice was smooth, solid, and so thick would be nearly impossible for anyone without supernatural powers or some kind of ice-fishing tool to crack it. Yet under all that snow and ice, life was still moving forward, just waiting for the sun to thaw it free again.

I stood there for a long time, staring at the running water – long enough to see a new layer of ice form over the open water.

God, why does nature make such devastatingly appropriate metaphors?

Nothing with Jacob had changed. We were still a pair of distant, basically platonic roommates. And I had to fully admit at this point it was getting out of hand. We hadn't shared a significant conversation in five weeks and we were going on two months without contact – _any_ contact. That was upsetting to me in more ways than one. He had to be feeling it too. It wasn't just going two months without sex; although, that wasn't a statistic to be ignored. We hadn't had a dry spell like this since…well…since we started having sex. We waited a long time to cross that line; we deserved a good sex life. But that wasn't even what I missed the most. It was two months without holding hands or hugging or piggyback rides or holding each other while we slept or kisses hello and goodbye. It was those little intimacies that bonded us as a couple and made me feel special and wanted and _loved_.

I stomped my worn boot down onto the ice again and broke through, splashing the freezing cold water onto my foot.

I was being selfish. Jacob was still grieving, so naturally his mind was elsewhere. But as always, our situation had to be complicated further. My power was standing in the way of breaking through Jacob's icy shield. If only there was a way I could guarantee that I wouldn't flash an image of Kara or Paul or La Push to him. Images that would only remind him of everything he left behind. There wasn't a guarantee, there never would be, but every day I let him freeze me out would only make it that much harder to get back to the way we used to be.

Enough time had passed. Things needed to change. I tried being gentle with him, I tried yelling, I tried being gentle again, followed by more yelling. That meant being gentle should have been next in the cycle, but as I ran through the heavy woods endorphins and adrenaline began to work their way through my body, and I decided I would give yelling another try. When it came to Jacob, yelling had always been my old standby so why break with tradition? Besides, how could things get worse?

I burst through the castle door and didn't even stop to take off my wet boots. I had flashes of Jane's angry face appear in my mind, but I kept moving. In no time I was through the reading room, down the hall, and standing in front of my bedroom door. I squared my shoulders off, took a needed breath to sustain my confidence, and quickly opened the door.

Jacob could not have looked more undeserving of the hell I was about to unleash on him. The room was perfectly organized and clean – as if a man didn't even live here. And it wasn't Jane's doing because she wasn't allowed to clean in our room anymore, not that she would have interrupted anything as of late. Jacob was lying on the bed, a bed that was made even. He must have done it because I certainly didn't make the bed. He was lying there with his ankles crossed reading _Ruminations on Twentysomething Life_. Now, Jacob wasn't a twenty-something anymore and that book was from 2005, but I bought it for him for a recent birthday because it spoke to hilarious things from back in his day. I didn't get all the jokes, but he loved it.

"We need to talk," I said confidently, although my excitement waned as soon as his big, brown, sad eyes peered over his book in confusion.

"Okay?" he said slowly as he took in my heavy breathing and flushed face. He must have thought I caught Alina's crazy.

I hesitated. Coming in here and just reaming into him without warning seemed pretty insensitive now that I took a moment to consider it. "Um…," I stuttered as I searched my mind for something else to talk about. "This morning I killed a bear that was twice my size and roughly six times my weight." I pointed in the direction of where I landed the bear, then feeling completely stupid, I awkwardly lowered my arm. I used to say stuff like that to him all the time, back when I was three years old and wanted to impress him with the size of the animals I hunted. Jacob would respond with an excited smile and say things like, "that's amazing, Nessie!" or "I'm so proud of you!" or "I bet I can take down a bigger one." Jacob wasn't smiling now. Instead, he licked his lips once and blinked twice, responding tentatively,

"Uh-huh."

"And I have spent the last five weeks practicing how to defend myself against vampires," I said with a determined nod. I remembered I was standing in the threshold and abruptly closed the bedroom door.

"Yeah. And?"

"So I don't understand how I can do all that and still be afraid of you." I surprised myself with that statement. In the nineteen years I had known and loved Jacob Black, I had never been afraid of him. But this…what was happening to us…it was scary.

"You're afraid of me?" Jacob asked quietly, closing his book and setting it on the nightstand.

"Well, not literally," I muttered. I rid myself of my boots, leaving a puddle on the hardwood floor. My wool socks were soaked; I'd worn quite a few holes in my boots. My jeans were wet up to my knees. I took off the fur-lined vest I was wearing over a white thermal and threw it on the back of a chair. I hugged my arms against my body as if I was cold, far from it. I just needed to steady my breathing. "I'm afraid of what's happening to us. You sense it too, right? This distance that we've put between each other?" I fought the spineless urge to close my eyes and concentrated on holding his gaze. His reaction was very important. We had yet to acknowledge the silent treatment, and given how bad things were between us lately even that tiny admittance on his part would be a huge step.

Unfortunately, he held my stare for about three-and-a-half seconds until he cocked his head and raised one eyebrow quizzically.

"Do not look at me like I'm crazy or I'll seriously kick you in the shin," I promised. Now I understood why Alina was throwing furniture at me.

"Ness…," he pleaded in a whisper.

I thought back to my training with Rye. Of course, this wasn't remotely similar to attempting to crush a vampire's skull in, but some lessons seemed to fit. _Step one: approach your opponent confidently. Fear can easily be read in body language._ I didn't doubt Jacob's ability to read body language, mine in particular. I dropped my arms to my side and took a few steps toward him, not dropping my eye contact for a moment.

_Step two: assess opponent's weaknesses. _Well, Jacob was ticklish near his ribs, but that was not applicable. One thing I knew about Jacob that I never thought of as a weakness was how much he loved me. He loved me with everything he was and it hurt him when I was unhappy. It wasn't my intent to use this against him, but I hoped if I admitted how much I was hurting, he would confess the same back to me.

"You've been pulling away from me for weeks and I can't take it anymore," I tried to hide the bitterness in my voice, but I did so poorly.

"I talk to you all the time," he replied smoothly. His voice sounded oddly empty – like he wasn't even sad or depressed anymore, just numb.

"Yeah, we talk about the snow or you tell me how the last movie you watched sucked or ask me what I want for dinner, even though you know I'll say nothing because I hunt." I felt like a nagging housewife pointing out the faults of an inattentive husband. I didn't even care about any of this crap.

"You've barely been around. You've spent nearly every day out training with Rye," he accused. He was trying to turn the argument back around and onto me, a juvenile yet common tactic in our arguing strategies. If things were normal between us, I would have stood my ground and defended myself. But as it was, this had to stay on focused on him or we'd never get anywhere.

"You're right. I have been avoiding you. I was hoping you would come to me when you were ready to talk, but I don't think that's going to happen." There was nothing but bitterness in my voice that time. His forehead fell into his hand, confirming my opinion of his behavior. He didn't want to talk to me. Not even now when I really needed him to. He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration or pain or anger…I wasn't sure.

_Step three: nine times out of ten, wait for the opponent to make the first move_. Because vampires would be able to hear my heart and prepare themselves for my attack, Rye taught me to wait for my opponent to move first so I could prepare myself to counter. He also advised that there would always been that random tenth circumstance, where if I had the upper hand, I would have to strike first. I had waited and waited for Jacob to make the first move and come to me and it just didn't happen. Was there really a time when our relationship felt concrete? It seemed like all I knew was this endless limbo. I didn't even know what he was mourning anymore. Was it all for his father? Was it for nieces and nephews? Was it for the tiny house we left in Forks?

Still, I waited. I waited for him to speak. Waited for him to tell me how sorry he was and how he wanted to make things better; that we could make things better because we loved each other and that was the only thing that mattered. I waited for all those clichéd phrases and declarations that would have meant so much to me just because Jacob was saying them.

His hand dropped into his lap. He folded his lips over his teeth and pushed them out again. He caught my eyes and did the worst possible thing he could have done. He shook his head.

This would have to become that random tenth instance. I was going to have to fight and fight until the barrier was broken down. I'd had five weeks of training to help me do it. "Tell me what to do." I meant to sound confident and assertive, but the more I talked, the more it came out like begging. "Tell me what to say or just…anything. Do…do you need to go home?" I dared to ask. I strongly believed the last thing that would help was additional quantifiable distance between us, but as my mother said to me before we left, Jacob could always go back.

"No," he said lowly. I released a breath. If he couldn't stand to touch me, at least he could stand to be near me.

"Then please, tell me…something," I pleaded. I sat down at the foot of the bed. I was still a good two feet away from him and doubted I would get much closer without him cringing away like he'd done before.

"You can't do anything," he whispered.

_What? _After all that? After laying my heart out on the line for him, it's just done? There's nothing? No. That was unacceptable. The way this conversation was going was completely pointless. We were fighting about the fact that we were in a fight, but nothing had been said yet on what the fight was about. Stalling, another juvenile tactic, except this time it was working.

"What the hell kind of an answer is that?" I snapped at him.

"It's the answer I'm giving you."

"That's complete bull. You would never let me get away with that if the roles were reversed."

"Well, the roles won't ever have to be reversed."

"What?" What did that mean? No, my parents wouldn't die – that is, it was unlikely they would die. In a perfect world they would live forever. And yes, that made me less capable of understanding his sorrow, but how did keeping me out help him at all?

"Nessie, listen to me. Just stop. Stop sending Jane to check in on me, stop trying to sneak in conversations. You can't change this. You have to stop trying to force me to get better," he explained with his teeth clenched together.

"I'm not trying to force anything." Well, I knew that was a lie right after I said it.

"What do you call this?"

"You didn't give me any other choice. You won't talk to me or anyone else. I don't even know what's wrong anymore."

"You don't see it?"

"Obviously not!" I shouted. That was the truth. I must not be getting it. Because I knew what was to lose someone important to me. I knew the awfulness of the grief and the guilt attached to the death of someone I loved. But every time that happened, after I lost Sasha, and then Ántonia, Jacob had always been there, and I always wanted him there. Why wouldn't he accept my help? Why couldn't I comfort him? It wasn't because I wasn't trying. He was pushing me away and I couldn't comprehend why he would do that. We needed each other to live, to survive. I needed him.

"Nessie, I'm doing what you wanted! I eat. I talk. I sleep. What else do you want from me?!" he yelled, finally letting his anger show.

That's why the room was so clean. It was just another way of keeping me out. An attempt to make me believe everything was fine. We used to argue about laundry and dusting and mopping the floor; mostly because he hated to clean. Sometimes, back at the Doghouse, I swore he left his clothes out on purpose just to pick a fight with me. And I always took the bait. And we'd always bicker. And we'd always make up, sometimes amongst the dirty clothes I was just complaining about. Now, he didn't even give me a reason to complain. He wasn't doing anything wrong, but absolutely nothing felt right.

_Step four: use your gifts. Exploit them. Abuse them. Make them worth the trouble._ This rule spoke especially to Rye's situation. His abilities caused him more harm than it benefitted him. But if you were to ask him if he would take anything back, any bad experience or threat to his life, he would smile and say with absolute certainty, no. He wouldn't take anything back, not if it meant losing the love of his life, no matter how crazy she was.

It wasn't until now that I really considered using my own ability in this situation. I'd discovered through working with Rye, not everything my power brought forth was necessarily scary. In fact, Rye's subconscious wasn't that bad at all. It would be so quick. Just grab his wrist, let the rubber band snap, and I would know everything. I would know what was hurting him, what I was too blind or too dense to see.

I wanted to do it.

_Step five: there is no step five. When it comes down to it, sometimes it's all luck._

I couldn't do that to him. It would only help me, it wouldn't help him. And really, he always knew how to protect me. If he wasn't ready to talk about it, I probably wasn't ready to hear it.

I disregarded one of Rye's rules and broke eye contact with my stubborn opponent, choosing to stare out the window instead. "I want my husband back," I whispered mindlessly.

I heard him sigh. I felt the mattress move with his weight. He put his feet on the floor and scooted next to me. How could he be so close and still feel a hundred miles away?

"I'm sorry, Nessie. I'm so sorry," he swore. "I thought if I could…I thought if we left I would…" He faded in and out. I didn't look at him, I didn't even breathe. Everything I wanted to know was so close.

A knock. A distinctive and recognizable knock I knew had to be Jane's.

"What is it?" I called out; my voice even cracked a little. If she was going to complain to me about leaving footprints throughout the castle, I really didn't have time for that.

"May I speak to you?" she said through the door.

"Not now, Jane."

"Natalie and Cristian have returned," she explained.

Jolted out my emotional stupor, I hurried to the door and whipped it open. "I didn't know they were coming back."

"Neither did I. They said your presence in the reading room is required immediately."

I glanced over at Jacob. He was already standing and throwing on a pair of tennis shoes. No, no, no, no, no! We were so close. "Okay, give us a second," I mumbled to Jane.

"They said _immediately_," she insisted.

"Okay, just one—" I tried to delay it, but in the next second Jacob was standing next to me holding a pair of shoes for me to put on.

"Ness, we have to go," he said flatly. He was never one to be hugely excited about working with the Council, but if it could serve to distract me, he would take full advantage. The cracks I managed to make in his wall of ice had already frozen over again.

When we got to the reading room my face was flushed and Jacob was looking pretty dejected, so God knows what Natalie and Cristian assumed we were doing before we walked in. They were standing in the direct center of the room, muttering something about fireplaces between them.

While Rye and I had a love/hate relationship, Natalie and I had more of a tolerate/hate relationship. I found her personality to be grating most of the time. She was an extremely passionate person, whereas Cristian was the exact opposite. He was the most aloof and cynical member of the Council, sometimes even a little insensitive. So when Jane called me during the summer a few years ago to mention she suspected Cristian and Natalie were messing around, I was surprised. She also mentioned that both Natalie and Cristian adamantly denied it and have continued to deny it to this very day, giving new meaning to the phrase "the lady doth protest too much." Consequently, I didn't approach them with open arms as I walked into the room, and neither did they.

"Natalie, Cristian. How was your trip?"

"Quite pleasurable," Cristian responded. Had I been in a better mood I would have taken that and ran with it. As it was, I found my inner Esme and held my tongue.

"So, you are back with the Council. When Jane told me I could hardly believe it," Natalie said as she threw her hair over her shoulder. For once she didn't wear it up and let it fall naturally over her shoulders. Her hair matched her personality, wild and wavy, like she had just come in from a run.

"Yes, we're both here," I gestured to Jacob. He gave them a nod of recognition and sat down in a comfortable sofa chair.

"Where are Tani and the guys?" Natalie asked.

"They're still somewhere is Asia, the merpeople are still at the Falls, and Marthe is still in France."

"They're still gone? The population of snow leopards must be obliterated by now."

"You've been gone for almost two months, too. What were you doing?"

"Sightseeing," she answered quickly. She and Cristian's eyes flickered to one another suspiciously. Some excuse. Vampires are fast and Croatia's not that big.

"Interesting. Things have been calm around here. There hasn't been much business lately. That's a good thing though."

"Yeah, well, we've got some business for you," she mumbled with another flip of her hair.

"What happened?" I inquired.

Before she could answer, Alina rushed into the room with Rye and Jane following behind her for once. I hadn't seen her in a few days and she'd gone from bad to worse. Her eyes were green, a benefit of being a Gypsy before she was turned, but they were strained, like she wasn't getting enough sleep. Her hair was bunched up randomly in a hair clip on the back of her head. Every movement she made was quick and uncomfortable. Not only was she under a heavy amount of stress and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, she looked like she was on the verge of nervous breakdown. I'd hate to see the state of Ántonia's study right now. Natalie and Cristian must have been thinking the same thing I was because despite the difference in their personalities, they both stared at her with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"What is going on?" Alina barked without even saying hello. Rye, the traitor, stood at her side and tried to take her hand. She shoved him away with a twitch.

"Well…" Natalie glanced over at me. I gave her nod to let her know it was safe to continue. "We think you were right," she said bluntly.

My jaw dropped. "What? You mean Alina?" I asked.

"Yeah."

Alina smiled wickedly in satisfaction and ran her tongue over her teeth. I did my best to ignore the growing excitement in her eyes. Rye was about to run his hand over her back, but at the last second he pulled his hand back, thinking better of it.

"You said you didn't find anything," Jacob reminded them. I wasn't even aware he knew much about what was happening with the Council. Jane or Rye must have been keeping him updated.

"We didn't. We looked everywhere, searched the entire city for days. We didn't sense anyone, and there wasn't another suspicious murder following the attack we investigated." That much we knew already. Alina kept track of that kind of news.

"So, what changed?"

"While we didn't find anything," Cristian explained, "we did try to put Alina's theory to the test. If she was right, two things were strange about the attacks. One was already mentioned by Natalie, there were no following attacks or murders. The second was how the body is Zagreb was not drained of much blood. In fact, the police report said she died because she bled out. Not a typical characteristic of a vampire feeding."

I sighed when he paused. I really wished people would stop talking in circles and just get to the point.

"I used to be a nomad," Cristian commented. He was a very private person, and as a result, the Council member I knew the very least about. "I mostly enjoyed it, perhaps even preferred it. I usually become exasperated with people."

Natalie snorted through her nose and a very pleased smile crossed her lips. Not messing around indeed.

"Nomads certainly prefer obscurity, but they, like anyone, can easily become bored over time and desire company. So over the centuries, many nomads have developed a calling card of sorts."

"A calling card?" I said incredulously.

"A way to identify themselves to other vampires who might be in the area," Natalie said in a patronizing tone.

"I know what a damn calling card is, Natalie," I snapped.

"Calm down, Miss Nessie. Let the man finish." She looked up at him and grinned. He smiled back.

"Examples would be arson or a string of muggings or stealing expensive cars and leaving them in strange places. The media has actually made it that much easier to get noticed."

"So some kind of crime? That's great," Jacob moaned sarcastically.

"Oh please, don't be so judgmental. It's harmless," Natalie hissed between her teeth before she sat down in a large leather chair and crossed her legs. She was wearing tights, knee-high boots, and a skirt that was way too short for winter.

"It's not harmless," I agreed with Jacob. "If you're right that means someone is killing people for fun, not even for the sake of the hunt, and conspicuously at that. Do you think you know who it might be?"

"I do not know," Cristian said regrettably. "But calling cards are not always as obvious as they would seem. They can be more like clues. After we came up with this theory, we looked into the identity of the woman who was killed. She wasn't actually from Zagreb, she was—"

"She was from Venice!" Alina's shrill voice carried across the room. Of course, that was something she would know since she probably hacked her way into to police report herself. Cristian and Natalie stared at her for a moment. Now she was gripping the back of a couch, ripping through the leather with her fingernails.

"Right…," Natalie continued hesitantly, "we took a trip over to Venice, and while we didn't find anyone, we know they were there. The scent was everywhere and recent. We found bodies buried. They must have left the city mere hours before we got there."

"How many?" I asked before Alina could. Her eyes were bright and began darting around as the new information filled her ears.

"It was hard to tell. Six, maybe seven, maybe more."

"This is it!" Alina shouted. Her voice moved up an octave. Now I understood what Jacob must have witnessed when he described Alina as "giddy". "Now we can find them. We should go now!"

"Alina, no. We don't even know what we're looking for," I said assertively. Her head snapped in my direction and my instincts told me to take a step back. I held my stance though. While I didn't really believe Alina would ever hurt me, I have five weeks of training now, I was ready for a fight.

"We know they have broken the law. They are acting conspicuously. They have created a pattern. Now we have evidence and a scent to follow. We can make arrests," she said with a hiss.

"We should reconvene the Council first. We need to discuss this with Tani and the others." Had Alina been in her right mind this would have been her first instruction. Going into a fight blind? We never did that. It was far too dangerous.

"There is no time. We do not have time!" she screeched. Her hands gnarled into fists again and her body was shaking. Rye reached for her hand again.

"Alina, calm down," he said gently.

"Do not touch me!" She jerked her hand away and I had to blink twice when I saw her do it. Unless my eyes were playing tricks on me, which was highly unlikely, I would have sworn her movement was fast, vampire-speed fast. I wasn't sure if anyone else noticed it. They may have been paying more attention to the hurt in Rye's eyes when she so heartlessly pulled away from him.

"Alina, stop," Rye ordered. "They're right. We have to get everyone here first before we do anything."

"Fine," she retorted. "Ignore me. I was right the entire time, but for God's sake, ignore me now." Her eyes raked over the rest of us. We were all standing perfectly still. I was trying to guess which piece of furniture she would lunge toward next. "Just go on thinking I have lost my mind." With that, she turned and exited the room.

Rye looked completely as a loss as she left. He pounded his fist on the wooden back of the sofa Alina had just been sinking her nails into. His shoulders drooped and he looked up at us. The last time I'd seen him this scared, his wife was turning from human to vampire. "I'm sorry…I just…," he said weakly. He gave up and left the room, following his wife's footsteps. I flinched when a door slammed down the hallway.

Natalie was nice enough to break the silence. "Okay…so everything's been calm here, huh?"

"She's…stressed," I defended weakly.

"Uh-huh. So let me get this straight, half of the Council is gone and Alina is completely off her nut."

"She's not…she's just…," I stammered.

"Stressed, we got it," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"That's not helpful, Natalie."

"Then please, by all means, let me know how I can be helpful."

"Why don't you start by calling Tani and Marthe and everyone else? Tell them to get her as soon as possible." Her eyebrows lowered and she pressed her lips together. She must not have believed I wouldn't actually give her an order. "Please," I said, remembering my inner Esme once more. Surprisingly, all she did was huff once as she took out her phone and dialed the first number. "Cristian, will you help her, please?"

"By all means," Cristian answered with a small smile. He dug out his phone and did the same.

"Jane, I need you to get all the rooms prepared. Also, we need to start looking up the nomads. We need to contact as many as we can. I don't think we can count on Rye leaving Alina right now." Rye usually served as a liaison for the Council, but he would probably be more helpful staying here at the moment.

She nodded and spun on her heels to tackle the bedrooms. I figured it wouldn't take her long to get everything organized, and then we'd all have to work on making sense of Alina's research.

"What do you want me to do?" a husky voice asked from behind me. When I turned, Jacob was standing right next to me and I almost jumped.

"Oh…um…you want to help?"

"Yeah, might as well," he said with a shrug.

I hoped this was a sign of something good. It seemed preferable that he would want to help then for him to be lying around watching movies all day. "We need to look up all those other attacks again. Figure out what the calling card was actually saying. We really need to figure out how large a coven we're dealing with." He nodded and headed back to the bedroom where he'd find his computer and reread the reports Alina begged us to pay attention to for months and months. If she was right about this, I shuddered to think what else she might be right about.


	12. Of How the Others Must See the Faker

A/N: Thanks to BlackTreaderWolf, kmddeprez1122, Fonzie'sGirl, & JacobAPotter for writing reviews!

**Chapter VII: Of How the Others Must See the Faker**

The next week went by remarkably quickly compared to the two weeks prior. We were working constantly and people were returning every other day. Marthe and Jens arrived first, but not before they stopped in Paris to check-in with a pair of female nomad vampires who were known to be in the area from time to time. They didn't find them. Kwame and Nia came a day later with two additional mermen at their side. When we summoned Kwame and Nia we informed them there was something of a dangerous situation going on, but we didn't know all the details, so they brought the young men along as a precaution. One was called Ridha and the other was Jalil, but their names didn't really matter because they didn't say a word to anyone. They would just stand around looking menacing, and they didn't have to put forth much effort to do so. Jalil had a necklace make of shark teeth he would adjust from time to time and for some reason, it made me gulp. We were still waiting on Tani and Jane's brothers. It took us several days to contact them because they were in the wilderness with very poor cell phone service.

In the meantime, there was plenty to work on. First of all, we had to dig through Alina's convoluted research and find the pattern we had ignored for the past year. Sure enough, once we put Cristian's calling card theory to the test the pattern became quite obvious. The man who was found attacked in London was visiting from a suburb of Paris, the woman found in New Delhi who had an Indian background was actually from Salt Lake City, and the man in New York was from Caracas in Venezuela. Each and every victim was either vacationing or on a business trip or something that made them a foreigner in the country they were attacked in. At first we thought we were making strides in the mystery and even began to think that the vampires in question were leaving some kind of evidence about where they might appear next. However, the chronology of the attacks was still nonsensical. New York was followed by Sydney, Sydney was followed by Beijing, Beijing was followed by Moscow, and so on and so forth. We had no clue where they might attack next. None of the victims' actual hometowns were subject to any newsworthy attacks either. Meaning, the same scenario that Cristian and Natalie discovered in Zagreb and Venice must have occurred after every attack. The vampires carefully found a single person in a large metropolitan city to kill, the victim's place of origin reveals the meeting place, and any vampire in the area is free to meet up and have a highly secretive feast together. Even as the pieces came together in my head they didn't make any sense to me. What was the purpose of these vampire conferences? Nomads preferred obscurity, and while these attacks weren't creating much of stir, so little we didn't even take notice of them at first, they were still creating more attention then was allowed by the Council, or even the Volturi for that matter. I supposed it was for that reason the vampires' purpose didn't make a difference. They were breaking the law, and it was only a matter of time until we discovered their identities and could make an arrest.

This, however, became the most frustrating and nearly impossible part of the investigation. Finding or even contacting nomads was turning out to be exceptionally tricky business. Nomads don't often travel with cell phones. And even the ones we knew of, like the pair in France, could not be found. To make the situation even more frustrating, the one person who could have been extremely helpful, Alina, the veritable vampire GPS, wasn't being very cooperative, nor had she been cooperative during any of the investigation. Alina became incredibly bitter about our sudden change of opinion and we couldn't seem to apologize enough to appease her. As opposed to leading us through the hundreds of post-its that lined the walls of the study, she would shrug her shoulders at our questions and laugh when we came up with incorrect conclusions. She was also quick to turn to anger when we couldn't find information fast enough. She would gloat and brag about how she had been right the entire time. She even taunted Ridha and Jalil repeatedly, but thankfully they stood there like a pair of British soldiers and ignored her. The only thing we needed her to do was find the nomads, but she insisted that because she only had limited contact with said nomads, some of them she'd never even met face-to-face, she was unable to identify their locations. We didn't have any choice but to believe her, but Cristian and Natalie were quite skeptical about her excuse and believed she was doing everything she could to prevent the investigation from moving forward. Eventually, we grew so exasperated with her behavior Rye had to keep her tucked away in their bedroom before she got a bookcase thrown at her.

The week didn't pass by so quickly that I didn't notice the change in Jacob. As more and more people began to arrive at the castle, he became more and more animated. He talked with everyone, cracked jokes, and he was always smiling. He even went on a run with the other werewolves. It was the first time he phased since his father passed away. I would have really liked to know how he felt about it, but I was too scared to ask. When he wasn't being social he was helping me with the investigation. To each member of the Council who wasn't privy to his previous depression, he was the same as always. But they didn't see the distance that still existed behind closed doors. They didn't know he hadn't yet held my hand. They didn't see that at the end of the evening when we climbed into bed a word didn't pass between us. I didn't find his change comforting. His behavior frightened me, and if not for the Council business it would have eaten away at me completely. His smile, his laughter, his energy; it was all a façade. It had to be. The change was just too abrupt. This was worse than the depression because at least during that time I could point out the difference. Even if I brought it up now, I didn't have an argument to stand on. He'd left me nothing but an instinctual ache in my chest that told me something was deeply wrong.

The sun had long faded away behind the mountains when Tani finally returned with her three adopted sons, Alec, Demetri, and Felix behind her. After a few moments of greetings, and several elated squeals from Jane (she was so pleased to have her brothers home again) everyone gathered in the reading room. I expected Tani to call only members with voting rights to meet first, but I supposed we had all been working on this as a team already, so there were no secrets to be kept. The last two people to arrive in the room were Rye and Alina. He had a tight grasp on her hand. At least he managed to get his spouse to touch him, although it appeared she wasn't enjoying it much; she kept dodging her eyes to where their hands were joined, then her nostrils would flair in disgust. I hoped Rye would keep her in the back and out of trouble.

"So, I hear we have a new coven on our hands," Tani said lightly as everyone was getting settled.

"That is what we are assuming at the moment," Cristian commented.

"All we have is a plethora of scents to follow and a string of attacks," Natalie chimed in with her usual lack of grace. I'd been observing her and Cristian and their interaction from time to time, searching for the connection Jane told me about. One could say they didn't go beyond harmless flirting, which Natalie was well-known to take part it with practically anything male, she even hit on Jacob once, but the fact that there was plenty of people here now and she hadn't once pulled her attention away from Cristian spoke volumes.

"And I take it you have been unable to contact a single nomadic vampire?" Tani questioned.

"Not yet," I replied.

"Have these reports been connected by any human news source?"

"No. The locations are too far apart. The stories only make it onto local news," I said. I felt like I was giving a presentation of someone else's work, and essentially, that was what I was doing. Everything I was telling her was only a result of all the work Alina had done. I couldn't help glancing at her briefly. Rye was still holding her against the wall. She looked to be grinding her teeth.

"And the bodies which were found in Venice?"

"There are several missing persons reports, but the bodies have not yet been found. These feedings were done quite discreetly and the evidence hidden." As disgusting as an idea it was to me, it was exactly how a vampire should behave.

"What do you recommend for the next course of action?" Tani said pointedly in my direction.

I blinked a few times. "What do _I_ think?" I asked. Yes, I had been answering her questions, but I had been a full-time member of the Council for such a short while my previous stints on the Council were disasters. I didn't feel like I had any seniority to throw around my opinions.

"Yes," she answered just as pointedly.

No one stood up to object, so I continued. "Well, ideally we would find either a witness or someone with more information. However, we've been contacting every known vampire out there and come up with nothing. We've attempted to contact nomadic vampires and come up with nothing as well. We could begin a search for nomads, but it seems likely that they are what is making up this new coven."

"Why not search for the coven?" Tani asked. Her voice was flat, but serious. It reminded me of the many philosophical debates I would have with my grandfather when he would play devil's advocate.

"That seems unwise considering how large the coven may be," I answered, taking the bait.

"We have reinforcements in the Falls or our vampire allies," Marthe interjected.

"The merpeople will not be interested in helping," Cristian said coldly. I looked to Kwame and Nia to disagree, but they didn't. I think the two silent soldiers they brought with them gave one another a smirk of agreement. Clearly, they were only here to protect Kwame and Nia.

"Neither will the vampires," Marthe scoffed. "They may be breaking the law but it's hardly a big enough issue for another vampire to risk their life over."

"There's always the Cullens," Natalie threw in with a little too much sing-song in her voice.

I hated her for bringing them up. The single success I had from my time with the Council was keeping my family out of it. The only times they had been involved was after the actual life-threatening part was over. I would do anything and everything possible before asking them to be our reinforcements. And they all knew why, because my family would be too eager to help. I kept things from my family for a reason; they would put their lives before mine without a second thought. Luckily for them, maybe unluckily for me, my family instilled this same quality in me. And somehow they respected me enough that they didn't come unless I asked and thus far I had been fortunate enough that I never had to. However, the Council had never dealt with a coven this size before, I couldn't rule out my family completely. I swallowed once before I spoke. "That's one option."

"Forget it," Natalie said with a wave of dismissal. "She's not going to call her family in on the danger."

I couldn't win with Natalie. I agreed with her and she still found ways to make me look bad.

"Can you blame her?" Jacob cut in. He gave her a wicked glare and my heart swelled with love at the gesture. A twisted reaction, but there's no explaining the heart.

"Enough. Any other options, Nessie?" Tani said authoritatively.

I was still caught up in the increased speed of my heart rate, but I quickly recovered. "We could wait. These attacks have been happening regularly. There's no reason to think it won't happen again."

"That is something to consider," she concluded as she anxiously rubbed her hand over her forehead. This wasn't a preferable option. If we waited, it meant another human would die needlessly, and while there wasn't anything illegal about that, as vegetarians, we held ourselves to higher level of self-control, which included protecting the lives of humans if possible. As members of the Council, we had to set an example, even if most vampires thought we were crazy.

"Really? No one is going to say it?" a harsh voice suddenly broke into the discussion. For once, this harsh voice didn't belong to Natalie.

"Do you have something to add, Alina?"

Alina shook her hand out of Rye's and sauntered forward so she was standing in the direct center of the room. Her hair was out of its clip, but looked uncombed. Her fingernails looked like she'd been chewing on them. Is that going to be permanent? She remained still, but her eyes kept darting to the people inhabiting the room. She was by no means ugly, but she made me uneasy, especially if she intended to take the discussion where I thought she might.

"Only the obvious course of action," she said with a condescending lilt. "All these options you are considering, they put us at a terrible disadvantage. We are forced to search them out. We should bring them to us." This was, of course, the exact opposite to what she had wanted us to do a week ago. Back then, she had been all for catching the scent and going on the hunt. There was no explaining her desire to do so, because while Alina was an excellent tracker, she was too slow to be any good at hunting. Alina would have been quite a fierce opponent if she had speed to go along with her tracking skills. Then again, she had those moments of speed in the past weeks. I'd only seen it once and I didn't yet know what it meant. Could her abilities be changing?

"How do you suggest we do that?" Tani asked a bit more severely then she had been conversing with me moments ago.

"Simple. We put out the calling card." She said it so indifferently, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Alina," I said in a shocked whisper. Her ferocious gaze darted to me, but I was too shocked to look away.

"It would be easy. Find a lonesome tourist, kill it, and wait." _It? _Kill_ it?_ Since when did she refer to a human as an "it"? My stomach churned with how badly this was going to play out. I mean, even Natalie wasn't suggesting we kill someone to bait the coven. Alina had either lost her mind or truly embraced her vampire self. Certainly, thinking she was more human than vampire had been bad too, but at the moment I couldn't decide which was worse.

"We have a respect for all forms of life here," Tani said coolly. She appeared to be the only person in the room who wasn't shaken by Alina and her suggestion.

"Yeah, and they would figure out it was a trap," Natalie moaned from across the room. Maybe the thought had been ruminating in her head after all, but she found a reason to dismiss it.

"Would they?" Alina questioned. She took a few steps toward Natalie. Natalie cringed back in her seat slightly and Cristian, who was standing behind her, barely moved forward. I thought back to my training. They were failing to follow step one; their protective body language was giving them away. "We have not given any attention to these attacks until now. They have no way of knowing we are even onto their secret."

"Are you so willing to kill a human?" Tani asked. The whole room took a collective breath in anticipation of her response.

She was very quick with her initial answer. "The same would happen if we waited." And she was right. No one could deny her that bit of logic. Her glance fell to the floor, but then her fingernails seemed to catch her attention. She instantly folded her hands up into fists. Was she covering them up? Hiding evidence of her stress? Of her possible insanity? "It will happen anyway. You all know it will," she muttered under her breath. I wasn't sure she was talking about the same thing anymore.

There was a moment then. A moment where no one spoke and no one was breathing, not even the non-vampires who needed to breathe. A moment where in between the darting of Alina's eyes and the clenching of her fists I saw something other than the potential madness that had been percolating for weeks, I saw fear. She was so lost, nothing like her former self. Did she even recognize herself? It was unfair she should be trapped by her body and unable to commit to her own principles. We all suffered the burn of temptation, and I had to admit I was jealous Alina had lived such a care-free existence thus far, but at this moment, I knew she would have given it all up and lived with the perpetual fire in her throat if she could be granted the choice not to kill.

I forgot the formality of the meeting and shoved myself directly in front of Alina. "No, Alina. You have a plan, remember? You'll use donated blood and no one has to be hurt. You don't have to kill anyone."

Her green eyes were suddenly soft and vulnerable. Her forehead wrinkled, not in anger, but in sorrow. "It is all I can see anymore," she said in a quick whisper.

"What is?"

"It is the only thing I see. I cannot…think…all I see…" Her voice shook and dropped to an uncomfortable lower octave, "I want it."

"I don't understand," I whispered back, but even as I said it, I very much feared that I did understand. Despite the level of heroic energy she was putting forth in fighting it, her body was consuming her with its desire for blood. Suddenly, I became aware of what Alina must have looked like to everyone in the room who had not witnessed the deterioration of her personality. Her jittery movements, the senseless ramblings, the violent mood-swings, her reckless interest in violence. She was a newborn.

"Alina, in light of your current state of mind, I am going to have to ask you to step down from your position on the Council," Tani announced to the room.

The softness abruptly dropped from her eyes. It was replaced with and a stark and frightening anger I couldn't stop myself from stepping away from. Even as Rye's training rules bounced in my head it didn't overrule my instinct for self-preservation.

"_What?_" Alina snapped.

"I was hoping that when I returned I would discover what I heard about your behavior would be something of an exaggeration. Apparently, that is not the case."

"Tani, you don't understand—" I tried interrupt. Tani ignored me. I wasn't sure whose side it was safer to be on, Alina's or Tani's.

"I have been aware of your eventual need for blood and we all suffer from temptation, but your inability to handle it also puts into question your ability to make decisions and your ability to serve on the Council."

"Don't…" Alina sputtered.

"Perhaps we can review your performance in the future, but at this time we do not have the capacity to enable your questionable behavior."

"_My_ questionable behavior?" Alina hissed. "You do realize I was the person who uncovered these attacks? I was the person who recognized there was a pattern. If it were not for me, you would all still be off vacationing. You are the ones who are lazy, worthless—"

"Alina, you are not fit to serve any longer."

Alina actually took a step back then. Perhaps she was hurt by the accusation. Perhaps she was lulling us into a false sense of security. Perhaps she really was thinking like a newborn and had little control of her faculties any longer. She turned her head around slowly, taking in the reactions of each person in the room. Marthe looked genuinely shocked, Natalie and Cristian traded expressions of worry, Rye didn't know who to be mad at, and the merpeople just looked bored. Maybe she was waiting for someone to object. The room remained silent. The only person who matched Alina's determination and focus was Tani. She didn't even flinch as Alina stared her down.

"You have no idea what I am fit to do," Alina murmured with a tightening of her fists.

Tani continued as if she'd said nothing. "I will ask you to retire to your quarters immediately. In the morning you will be asked to leave the premises. Is that understood?"

What? Now she had to leave? This command was met with looks of disbelief. Alina had been as much a fixture of the castle as the books and portraits. Sending her away wouldn't help anything. Yes, she was on the brink of being certifiable, but it wasn't her fault, nor could we protect her from doing something she'd regret if she was forced to leave.

The only person who didn't have an expression of disbelief was surprisingly, Alina. Her mouth did drop slightly when Tani first delivered the news, but it soon turned into a small smile of bewildering relief. I didn't understand it. She couldn't possible want to be cast out. The Council meant everything to her.

"Yes," she answered. She gave a gentle bow of her head toward Tani. "Have a pleasant evening everyone." She left the room with an ominous calm, a calm no one in the rest of the room shared.

A few people shifted in their seats or whispered to the person they were standing near, until Tani's voice echoed another unexpected command. "Rye, you stay."

If Rye had left the room in his usual haste, she never would have caught him in time. For the first time in his life, Rye wasn't moving fast enough. "What?" he asked in confusion.

"You still have responsibilities to the Council and to this investigation."

"I have responsibilities to my wife," he said with a sneer.

"Understood. But unless you would like to resign, you will stay until this meeting is concluded."

Rye took a moment to consider. That moment turned into a few seconds. And we knew that if Rye really did intend to resign he would have left the room when Tani reached the end of her sentence. Without another word, Rye forced his face to go blank, and stood solidly in his place. Rye was very much like Jacob, he didn't especially care about being a part of the Council. What he did care about was Alina, and Alina, excluding the last couple weeks, cared about the Council. She was his life and he remained in the room for her sake – a reminder of the strength she once possessed.

"Nessie, is there anything else you would like to report?" Tani asked when she was satisfied with Rye's decision.

"No. That was everything," I said, so thankful that everything was actually reported and I wouldn't be delaying Rye from attending to Alina.

"I would like to use the remainder of the evening to go through the research myself. When I am finished we will reconvene to discuss a final decision. Is that fine with everyone?"

The room quickly dispersed. Rye was out the door in a blur. Although he was no longer standing there, it was several seconds until I had the good sense to move, and I knew where I needed to go. Tani had exited the room and was already wading through the papers in Ántonia's study when I found her.

"Why did you do that?" I snapped at her. Tani was usually not someone to be snapped at. She served as head of the Council and she was also a tirelessly kind person. Usually, one would be hard-pressed to find something to be mad at her about.

"I was presented with no other choice," she responded without even looking up from the papers. She must not have been surprised by my anger. As much as I wanted to be calm and collected like she was, my mouth was moving faster than my head.

"Tani, she's not well. She's freaked out about feeding!" I shouted.

"As I said, I am aware. We have known about this for the last nine and a half years. However, Jane informed me that Alina's behavior has been increasingly erratic, unpredictable, and uncontrollable in the past few weeks. Was she incorrect in her assessment?"

Stupid observant Jane. "No, but—"

"That is all I need to know."

"We can't abandon her. She needs us now more than ever."

"Nessie," her voice turned gentle and filled with the deep compassion she possessed. "She's not healthy and we cannot trust her to keep a level head. Do you understand how important it is that the Council retains its reputation? Vampires, merpeople, werewolves, they all look for weakness. If we appear out of control then we risk everything we have worked for, not to mention our very lives."

In my efforts to protect Alina, this was something I hadn't yet considered. Alina may have appeared like a newborn to the members of the Council, but what would everyone else think of her? What would everyone think about our once strong-willed second-in-command who seemed to have lost it completely?

"I'm sorry," Tani cooed gently. "I know she's your best friend and I'm very close to her as well. It hurts me that I do not have a way to help her."

"She's the strongest person I know. She'll get through this," I assured both Tani and myself.

"I hope she does, but for the good of the Council I am forced to make difficult decisions. Stepping down will be for her benefit; she can focus on herself. And I imagine that after she feeds she'll be better and I'll be more than happy to welcome her back."

It was one of those horrible wait-and-see moments.

"What if she doesn't get better?" I asked. Now I was playing the role of devil's advocate.

"You knew the Gypsy who lived with Ántonia; he was self-controlled, wasn't he?"

"Yes, he was perfect." Well, he was perfect if you didn't count the crippling guilt and self-loathing that trapped him in this very castle for over a thousand years.

"Then we must put our faith in that."

I nodded, conceding to her argument. Alina did look relieved, didn't she? Perhaps if she was free from her responsibilities, just for a little while, she would stop fighting her instincts and just let the event happen. It was dreadful and I wished for an alternative, but I didn't want her to suffer anymore either.

"I have to tell you, you have done an excellent job leading the Council in my absence," Tani said unexpectedly.

"Oh, I wasn't leading anything." All I did was attempt to fix the mess Alina created.

"Oh? Jane informed me that you were delegating duties, contacting people, organizing all the research and information. Did you do so?"

"Yes, but only because Alina is…she was distracted."

She smiled at me, warm and motherly. "Regardless, we are very lucky to have you, Nessie." She brought her attention to the packet of notes on the desk in the study and I quietly left the room.

I wandered into the reading room to muddle through my thoughts for a while. I expected Natalie or Cristian to be there to go over more plans with me, as they had been eager to do so over the past week, but the room was empty. Everyone was taking advantage of this short moment of peace before the battle began.

I sat down on my favorite mustard colored sofa and rubbed my fingers over my eyes, attempting the wipe away my stress headache.

"You coming to bed?" someone asked.

When I looked up, Jacob was standing in one of the thresholds between the reading room and the hallway. I wondered which version of Jacob he would be now. The sociable and lovable man he was when someone was watching or the closed-off and inattentive husband behind closed doors.

"No. I'll just have to get up in a little while when Tani is ready to make a final decision. You go to bed."

"I can stay up with you."

"Thanks," I said indifferently. He was being sweet and I wanted to believe the gesture was genuine, but I didn't trust him anymore. At least, I didn't trust the façade he used outside the bedroom.

He sat down next to me on the sofa. I was presented with another chance to talk to him, _really_ talk to him, and try to get the truth out of him. There had been enough drama for one day. I decided to attempt small talk, but something other than the weather for once. "So, it's been different having all these people around." The statement was so innocuous I might as well have said nothing at all.

"Yeah, my sinuses are so screwed up," he joked while running his finger under his nose.

I giggled. I couldn't help myself. It was a moment of weakness. It was difficult to fight off that part of me that wanted so badly for this fun, happy Jacob to be real. "I'm so glad I'm a hybrid. The smells don't bother me, except for Rye's of course."

"Lucky you," he said with a smile. "I can't believe Natalie called you out on getting your family involved. God, I could have slapped her."

"I can believe it; it's Natalie. But she's right, in a way. We don't have anyone else to depend on for this kind of situation. No one is going to care about a few dead humans."

"The merpeople care, even though they don't show it. They just don't want to risk their hides if they don't have too. They put up a front, but they're cowards."

"Quiet! They'll hear you!" I giggled and looked toward the merpeople's quarters, expecting Ridha and Jalil to charge in.

"I don't care. I've never seen any of them fight. And I know they're wicked in the water or whatever, but wolves don't swim anyway."

"Very funny," I admitted with a shake of my head. "The truth is, no vampire would even think this coven is doing anything wrong. It's amazing we have the power at all." This is what Tani had been alluding to. Why were we ever given the power to enforce the law? Well, because no one else wanted it. But if someone did, how hard would it be to break us of our reputation? The Volturi ruled for centuries on reputation alone.

"But you do, and it's lucky because you actually have respect for life," Jacob insisted.

"You'd think our respect for life would give us strength, but it doesn't, it only weakens us. We're here to uphold the law and create peace between vampires, werewolves, shifters, Gypsies, merpeople, and anything else non-human, but would any of those species stick out their neck for another?"

"Probably not," Jake reluctantly admitted. Shifters and vampires had worked side by side a few times, but that had been difficult to set up in the first place. It would always be difficult if the prejudices between species remained.

"The balance is fragile. How are we to ensure peace when no one is willing to sacrifice themselves?"

"Are you willing?" Jacob asked. Everyone was playing devil's advocate tonight.

"I'm supposed to be," I answered quickly. "I'm on the Council. I don't get to choose where my loyalties lie. I have to support everyone."

"It seems the only thing that unites us is our tenacious will to live. Good thing we have that or we'd have a lot of interspecies wars on our hands." As long as no one wanted the power, as long as no one wanted to risk their lives, everything would remain the same.

"It's a either a will to live or that we are all, in fact, spineless cowards."

"It's definitely one or the other," Jacob said with a nod and I couldn't help but smile again. It felt so good to be talking again, even if he wasn't revealing some deep, dark truth to me. It felt natural and comforting, but I was only able to relax into for a second, because my fear pricked me in the chest before my heart got in the way of my better judgment. His sweetness, his smile, his jokes, they could be all fake.

I stared at his face and he stared back. I waited. It took no more than three seconds for him to look away from me. That told me everything I needed to know. None of this was real.

Before I could think on it for another second, a rush of cool air flooded over my body. Rye was standing in front of Jacob and me in a complete state of panic.

"Is she here?!" he yelled at the two of us.

"Who? Rye, what's the matter?" I asked in a hurry.

"She's gone!"


	13. You've Left Us Up to Our Necks in It

A/N: This chapter was getting to be too long, so I broke it into two slightly shorter chapters. I'm hoping to have another update this week before school starts up again. That will be the chapter some of you have been patiently waiting for. Words of encouragement are always appreciated, especially when they come from cocolin, kmddeprez1122, BlackTreaderWolf, JacobAPotter, & aschim! Thanks for writing reviews!

**Chapter VIII: You've Left Us Up to Our Necks in It **

It was early morning; just after six according to glowing red letters of the cheap clock radio a few inches from my pillow. I was rousing from a fitful sleep. I'd slept on a lumpy and uncomfortable bed with even less comfortable linens. Being both a vampire and a human just made me hyper-sensitive to sheets with low thread counts and countless washing. I missed my beautiful enormously over-sized bed back at the Doghouse.

I instinctively stretched. I could hear my spine crack from my low back to my shoulder blades. I wasn't sure where we were. Some little town outside of Strasbourg according to the last sign I remembered passing on our way into France. I was having a great deal of trouble keeping my eyes open at that point.

When the majority of sleep finally trickled its way out of my brain I noticed I was alone in the bed. I wasn't alone when I laid down; or fell down. I was so tired.

I perked up when the door opened quietly. The room was so small it took Jacob about one and half steps to reach the foot of the bed. I wondered how well he slept in it. I was so exhausted last night it hadn't mattered that the mattress was probably older than Jacob was.

"Well, Rye's gone," he said flatly.

"What?" My voice sounded raspy as consciousness had not fully set in yet.

"Yeah, he's not in his room. The front desk said he checked out."

"Great," I muttered under my breath. I sighed and pulled my cell phone from the pocket of my sweatshirt. That was where it was when I collapsed into bed. I should have plugged it in before I went to sleep because the battery was on its last bar. Oh well, I would be able to charge it in the car. No calls. Just a text from Marthe and Cristian letting me in on their current locations.

"Are you calling him?" Jacob asked.

"No, I'm texting Tani. He wouldn't answer if I called and there's no point in looking for him. There's no telling where he could be. He's going to cover every inch of the planet until her finds her."

"Probably," Jacob muttered.

"Ugh…this is a nightmare," I groaned as I fell back onto the bed again. "We should have done something sooner." After all the researching, the nights filled with planning, the hours of discussing, none of it mattered. The decision was made for us. Alina was gone, and the fact that her departure was so erratic caused us a great deal of concern. Things had spun out of control so quickly it was hard to keep a handle on the recent events that landed Jacob and I in this tiny, cobweb-ridden room, complete with a stained ceiling and creaky floorboards. Rye's shouting hadn't ended with his announcement that Alina disappeared. It went on for some time.

"Every second I spend here she's getting further away!" Rye shouted at Felix and Demetri who were standing in front of the threshold that lead to the castle's only exit. Of course, Rye could have hopped out a window or made his own exit just as easily, but somewhere within his craze and worry, he found some restraint.

"Rye, calm down," I said for perhaps the thousandth time.

"I'm going by myself," he uttered through his pacing. He couldn't manage to keep still.

"You can't go off by yourself. It's not safe."

"You're not fast enough," he seethed at me through his teeth. "None of you are."

"And neither are you! She'll see you coming."

Patronizing him incensed him further and with an angry moan he slammed his fist against one of the stone walls. The stone held up well against his strength, only crumbling a half-inch under his fist. "My wife is alone out there! She's starving with the mentality of a newborn. We don't know what she might do!"

I stood directly in front of Rye without allowing my body language to show how his display of force rattled me. "Exactly! You can't face her alone!" I shouted into his angry scowl. He looked away from me and toward the floor, unable to disagree.

"How did she even do it? She's as slow as a turtle," Natalie chimed in from her usual place on a sofa chair. I didn't understand why at this time, when Rye was a complete wreck, she still chose to take digs at Alina. Must be some kind of defense mechanism for her stress.

Rye didn't seem calm enough to form the explanation, so I spoke for him. "There's reason to believe her strength and her speed might be heightened right now," I tried to deliver this news as calmly as possible. Keeping this information from the rest of the Council had been a mistake. Keeping quiet, keeping secrets, even at the request of Rye, it had all been a long series of mistakes. "A result of her thirst, I guess. Rye has been witness to it."

"That doesn't make any sense. She doesn't need to be fast to kill a human," Natalie insisted. The differences between a human turned vampire and a Gypsy turned vampire were striking. A Gypsy turned vampire moved at the same speed as a human, the eyes were a naturally human color, and of course, there was a different pattern of thirst. The first two characteristics I believed were meant to allow the vampire to easily live amongst humans, to even protect their Gypsy brethren from other vampires. The lessened thirst helped that process as well, but why were Alina's abilities heightened during the time when she would need to feed? Natalie was right. One does not need to be fast to kill a human. Humans have been killing humans since Cain and Abel. Unfortunately, we had no answers to the mystery. All we had was the situation at hand.

"It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense," Jacob interjected. "What matters is that she can outrun us."

"Was it her intent to hide this from us?" Tani asked coolly, her arms folded against her chest as she carefully took in the information piece by piece.

"Apparently so. Did she ever tell you, Rye?" I asked.

This was the first moment Rye's body came to a standstill. He couldn't lie right now, there was too much at stake. Even so, he didn't like admitting his ignorance when it came to his wife. "No…she didn't tell me anything."

"Why not?" Tani questioned.

"As far as I knew she didn't know she was moving faster. She's been upset for so long now. She's not thinking like herself," he said sadly. As Rye finally began to calm down, Tani picked up his pacing. Her eyes darted around as plans began to form in her head.

"Oh, but she _is_ thinking like herself," Cristian interrupted ominously. "She is a master strategist. She may have the thirst of a newborn, but she still had the sense to hide her ace from all of us. Newborn lust and intelligence are a dangerous combination."

An icy chill went up my back. What an awful thought.

"That's why I need to leave now!" Rye shouted again. "I don't care about the Council anymore. I resign. Whatever." He turned toward the doorway again, Felix and Demetri braced themselves, but Tani gently called out to him,

"Rye, please wait. Finding Alina is of importance to all of us."

"What's the point? She's see us coming a continent away," Natalie said.

"That is the point," Tani insisted. "Rye, she will be able to see you coming more than anyone. You're going to need our help."

"You're going to help?" he asked, incredulous.

"Alina is a well-known and highly respected member of the Council. If she reveals herself accidently we seriously risk jeopardizing our status as controlled peacekeepers. And with this new coven roving about collecting nomadic vampires, we can't afford to take the risk." The room fell silent as the severity of the situation washed over us. This wasn't just about protecting Alina; this was about protecting all of us. This was about protecting an order that hoped to bring peace not only to vampires, but to the entire world of the supernatural.

"What do you want us to do?" I bravely asked Tani.

"Alina is an unyielding tracker. She will be able to see us coming and avoid us if she wishes to."

"So we're simply waiting until she massacres a village?" Natalie interrupted. Half the room winced at her comment.

"No, I think we should we look for her."

"You just said—"

"Natalie, for one second would you be quiet long enough to let me finish a thought before you interrupt it?" Tani snapped. She snapped so infrequently it always felt more brutal when she did it. Natalie sat back deeper into her seat and looked down at the floor, her face a mixture of shame and indignation. I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling. Tani proudly continued, "It goes without saying that we may not be able to find Alina, but if she exposes herself the less time it takes us to get to wherever she is, the sooner we can diffuse the situation."

"But we don't know where she might go. She could be anywhere." Marthe threw in, with a great deal less attitude than Natalie would have had.

"I suggest we split up."

"Split up? Are you sure that's wise? There _is_ a coven roving about, like you said." Marthe said wisely. She had a point. Plus, we couldn't cover that much of the earth's surface. The world was too big and there weren't enough of us.

"It is not an idea I would prefer," Tani explained, "but I believe it is the best option. We were separated for several weeks with no immediate danger to our lives, so I must assume the coven will not seek us out for the time being."

"Can I please point out that ten minutes ago you ordered her out of the castle? She's gone. That's what you wanted." Natalie just couldn't resist.

Tani took a short breath; taking silent responsibility for her own mistake. In her efforts to give Alina the time she needed, she pushed Alina too far. "That order was issued when I trusted Alina had the self-control to keep herself inconspicuous. Her sudden disappearance and the fact that she left her husband behind tells me she is does not have control any longer. And stifling a ravenous newborn is certainly part of our authority," Tani said succinctly without a single waver in her voice.

I worried Tani was acting out of guilt, but not enough to disagree with her plans. I wanted to find Alina before she did something truly dangerous.

Then Tani said something that had nothing to do with the law or our status. It was purely part of her emotions and her love for Alina, and something the Volturi would have never understood. "We owe this to Alina. She would risk her life a thousand times to save any one of ours." Under the twitches and the anger and the panic, my best friend was still there. A young woman who was fearless, relentless, and so willing to fight on behalf of others. Mermaid, human, Gypsy, vampires; none of that mattered to her. She would protect all of us.

"What if we come across the coven?" Cristian questioned.

Tani took another pause and unnecessarily cleared her throat. Every eye was fixed on her, awaiting this important command. "Let me make it very clear that under no condition or circumstance is anyone to engage in hostile behavior toward this supposed coven – not unless your very life is threatened. We cannot afford to create bad blood between the Council and any vampire right now, not when we're separated and potentially vulnerable. Is that understood?"

The room wordlessly acknowledged her order.

"And if we actually find Alina?" Natalie asked, her voice hitting its most annoyed pitch. Highly unlikely, but not impossible.

"Try to keep her thirst under control. We don't have time for the alternatives."

I barely managed to blink away my anxiety at Tani's declaration. Only a few people in the room had actually killed a human. I'd never done it. But no one objected. No one even seemed shocked. Maybe it was because I was the youngest, maybe it was because I was a hybrid, but I just couldn't fathom taking an innocent life. But it wasn't against the law, and it never would be. For one fleeting moment, I hoped to God that I wouldn't be the one to find her.

And now, a week and half later, we aimlessly found ourselves in a seedy motel in France. The rest of the Council split up and departed for different locations across the earth once again. Each team was on a different continent with no one staying in the same location for very long. There was always a chance one of us might catch a scent of her trail, and the starting locations were all guesses anyway. If it wasn't under such awful circumstances this could be seen as another vacation. Only Kwame, Nia, and their sentries stayed in the castle in case Alina came back. It was more difficult for them to blend in amongst humans, so it was the only way they could contribute to the cause. Rye and Jacob and I followed her trail north until it faded away and there was no telling which direction she had gone. It was hard for Rye to stay with us, being that we eventually tired out. He would drive at night while we slept uncomfortably in the car, but it just wasn't granting us enough rest and we had to stop. During the night however, he must have lost his last remaining shred of patience and split for god knows where.

"What should we do now?" Jacob asked.

I stood up and shook out my hair before throwing it up into a ponytail. "Let's keep moving. I don't want to stay in this motel a second longer. If I were human I'd be afraid of getting some kind of infection from this place."

Jacob responded with a reluctant smirk.

Minutes later were in settled in the rental car and driving without a destination. The road led us from one small town to the next. We periodically stopped and walked through the town looking for scents, but most of our time was spent in the car. The mood within the confines of the vehicle was calm and pleasantly silent. I was fine with it. The radio occasionally pumped in some American pop music I recognized, and humming along with the music gave me an excuse not to talk. And I wanted an excuse to not talk to Jacob. I didn't want to converse with pod person Jacob nor did I have the energy to crack through his shell. I wasn't giving up, but I needed a break. Besides, Jacob wasn't trying either.

We passed the welcome sign of yet another quaint French village. I don't know what the name was; I wasn't paying very close attention.

"Are you hungry?" Jacob asked. The first words to be spoken in about two hours.

Unfortunately, I was hungry. I hadn't hunted in since before we left Romania and we hadn't passed a decent place to go hunting in several miles. I would have to quench the burn in my throat with human food; a strategy that never worked well. I nodded and Jacob soon found a small restaurant. I told Jacob what was on the menu, he told me what he wanted, and I ordered for the both of us in perfect French.

The silence became far more palpable in this setting. Half the tables were filled by couples, smiling and muttering soft words between one other. Grinning over the rims of coffee cups, holding their hands bashfully over their mouths when they laughed, the worst were the ones that held hands across the table. I put them out of my head and started fiddling with the buttons of my phone. What a rude American I was turning out to be.

"Any messages?" Jacob asked indifferently.

"No. I've been trying to call my parents, but I haven't been able to reach them."

"Do you even know where they are?" The same time Jacob and I left for Romania, my parents decided to take trip of their own.

"No, that's the problem. They didn't leave with a set itinerary in mind. They must not have service wherever they are."

"Are you sure you're supposed to be telling people about the coven?" Jacob asked and it was a fair question. Discretion was the key to this search party so as to not alert the coven to our current split. However, I couldn't just leave my family completely uninformed.

"I'm being cautious. I don't want them to be sitting ducks."

"Yeah, like we are?" Jacob said in a sarcastic tone.

I ignored his comment because I didn't want to contemplate its accuracy. I finished up a couple more texts and I was forced to set my phone aside. A few people were shooting us glances. It was obvious we weren't from the area. It was probably obvious we were American. However, I doubted it was either of those reasons that people were staring. It had been quite a while since I had spent time in the human world with humans who didn't know what Jacob and I were. People who didn't know the reason my skin seemed to glow or the reason Jacob's muscles were so perfectly formed. I'd forgotten what it was like to be extraordinary. This random, silly thought struck me as funny as I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up.

"What's so funny?" Jacob naturally asked.

"Nothing. I just…I haven't been stared at in a long time," I whispered over the table. Several of these people may have spoken English and I didn't want them to hear my odd, but vain statement.

"Huh, I guess I haven't been either. Living with _them_," Jacob emphasized. I took his emphasis to mean the Council. "I forget people don't know we exist. I forget that it's even a secret."

I smiled in agreement and took a few sips of my water. The waiter came to the table with the sandwiches I ordered. The service here was either very quick or we'd been sitting in silence for longer than I realized.

A few moments of filling our stomachs stayed off the conversation for a little longer. Then Jacob did something slightly out of character, he stopped eating. I examined his sandwich. It looked like something he would like, but my tastes were way off compared to a human's.

"Do you not like your food?"

Jacob stared down at his plate, but the faraway look in his eyes told me food was the last thing on his mind. "You know, I know we stayed at home for so many years, but I always wanted to go somewhere with you. Somewhere other than Romania and La Push. I wanted to see things with you."

It was his use of the words in the past tense that struck me so hard I thought I'd just been punched in the gut. As if he once dreamed we might see the world together, but he didn't think about or want it anymore. The combination of the frightening harshness of his words and how hungry I still was nearly caused me to faint. I leaned forward on my elbows and hoped he wouldn't notice my eyes glazing over. Maybe he didn't realize what he said or how he said it. Maybe he was just passing along a pleasant thought that he'd like to go on a real trip together one day like my parents had. Maybe he thought because I was on the Council we wouldn't get as much free time as we used to. Whatever he did mean, he didn't elaborate. He went back to eating his sandwich.

"Yes, that would be nice under different circumstances maybe," I managed to mutter through my dizziness. It would be nice. It would be nice if a lot of things were different.

Our lunch finished uneventfully and after leaving a generous tip we stood outside the restaurant. I suggested we walk for a while and see if we could find a random scent. Neither of us had any hope, but Jacob nodded and we set off anyway. There were very few people on the street. The sun was shining but it was quite cold. This process was unrewarding. Finding a trail was so unlikely and we had no way of increasing our chances.

"Maybe she'll just kill someone, be done with it, and go home," Jacob said suddenly.

I wanted to smack him for being crass, but I couldn't because his suggestion was really the best end to this situation that we could hope for. "Do you really think that's going to happen?"

He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I suppose if that's what she wanted, she would have done it already."

"Yeah, I suppose so." We reached the end of the block and I turned around to start walking in the direction of the car. After a few steps I noticed Jacob wasn't walking beside me. I turned back and he was stopped on the corner, his eyes moving back and forth and his head twitching from one direction to another.

Without even checking to see if I was paying attention he called out, "Do you smell that?"

I walked back to the corner but all I could smell was Jacob's musky scent mixed with the rancid smell of garbage wafting from a nearby alley. But with a turn of my head and a shift of the wind I found what had grabbed his attention.

"Vampires," I whispered.

"And a hell of a lot of them. Come on." We started down one of the side streets in pursuit of the scent. When I finally got my nose on it, it was amazing how easily I was able to cut through the scent of the dirty street and focus on the trail I wanted to follow. Perhaps all my tracking practice had been useful after all. The trail was at its most intense in a back alley behind two neighboring pubs. Jacob was searching around, trying to find another lead. I was typing away furiously at my cell phone.

"What are you doing?" he asked impatiently.

"I'm looking to see if there were any animal attacks reported in the last week." I flipped through several pages of news stories, but nothing came up. Wherever the calling card was put out it must have only made it to local news.

"This isn't a good town for an entire coven to hunt in. It's too small. Even if you hid the bodies people would notice fifty people are missing," Jacob pointed out like a true vampire. He ducked through another alleyway and I followed behind him. We ended up on an open street a few blocks down from where our car was parked. The scent completely disappeared; meaning the vampires in question must have taken another form of transportation. "Where do you think they went?"

"Well, you're right. If they hunt in groups they're going to need a bigger city where they won't be noticed." I scrolled through the GPS on my phone. Turned out we were in the town of Pommard. The two nearest metropolitan cities were Paris or Lyon. "What do you think?"

"Well, you said Marthe and Jens checked Paris for those two female nomads and they couldn't find them. Seems like Paris has already been covered."

We ran the few blocks back to the car and began our flight down the road at a very unsafe speed. My father hated it when Jacob drove this fast, but only when I was in the car. He insisted that Jake did not have senses quick enough to facilitate safely driving at high speed, and he had a point, sleep deprivation could certainly slow our reflexes. He and Jacob would get into long and heated debates about it. There were driving and reflex tests involved; it was ridiculous. And to be honest, the argument had yet to conclude. I guessed it would be an argument to go on between father-in-law and son-in-law until the end of time. I was distracting myself with these light, happy memories, but it was about ten minutes out of Pommard when a very heavy, yet obvious thought suddenly hit me. "Wait a second. We're going after a coven of vampires," I gasped.

Jacob took his foot off the gas a little and the car slowed. "Oh, sorry. Instinct took over."

"What do you think we should do?" I asked hurriedly, unable to answer the question myself.

"Well, if there were more of us I would definitely say we go after them." Although his words seemed to send us in a different direction, the car kept moving forward. Still rushing at an absurdly fast pace, we continued to pass one car after another. Maybe it was the heat of the moment. Maybe it was a reaction to several days of pointless and fruitless searching. Maybe it was the weeks of training. Maybe my instinct was taking over, too.

"Then let's go," I said quietly, but steadily.

"The two of us versus an entire coven? Bad odds."

"We're not looking for a fight. It's practically a social visit."

"Bad odds," he repeated.

"I can't sit and wait to find out what their plans are," I said a little louder, surprising myself with my honesty. "They've been doing the calling card thing for over a year. They must have found all the nomadic vampires there are to be found. Covens aren't necessarily dangerous, but we simply don't know what their intentions are. We need to know."

Jacob's hands remained steady on the wheel. He forced his mouth into a straight line and appeared to be serious. He couldn't fool me though; I had his mouth memorized. He only made that face when he was fighting a smile. "This is a really stupid idea," he murmured.

"You're right. It is."

Without speaking the car increased in speed, reaching speeds this rental had probably never seen before. It was risky, and oh god, was it ever stupid, but we were doing it regardless. We could at least find out who was part of the coven. That would be a huge advantage. Who knew if this opportunity would ever present itself again?


	14. Where's Your Shame?

**Chapter IX: Where's Your Shame?**

The city of Lyon was only an hour and a half out of Pommard, and even less because Jacob was driving way over the speed limit. Upon reaching the city, we decided it would be faster to get out of traffic and move on foot. We quickly ditched the car. The first thing we checked was the local paper and it was with that small piece of detective work that our suspicions were confirmed. Sure enough, seven missing persons reports had been reported this morning. A few tourists, two students; their last known locations were pubs or nightclubs. These vampires were being smart; preying on the young and drunk and stupid. There were only seven reports today. No doubt there would be twenty more before the day was out.

Walking the streets at a hurried and anxious pace, I was unable to appreciate the beauty of the city of Lyon. I saw the architecture, the basilicas, cathedrals, fountains, and museums, and I'm sure it was all beautiful, but it was all irrelevant to me. I wished I could have simply been strolling through the French streets like so many smiling couples, but that wasn't the reality Jacob and I were a part of.

We walked through the tourist areas and the back alleys behind them for over an hour, knowing this was where most of the victims were last seen, but we didn't come across anything. This part of the city saw too much traffic, masking any hope of a scent, not to mention how the cold wind blew any indication of a trail away.

"This is going nowhere. We know there were here. Why can't we find them?" I groaned, frustrated.

"Let's just stop and think," Jacob instructed. I took a needed breath and let him take over the thinking and talking. "They came here, they found their humans, but they needed to be smart about it. They can't just feed in the heart of the city. That'd be way too much work to hide the evidence." He was right. For all the amazing architecture and buildings, what Lyon actually lacked was green spaces. They would need to bury the bodies and there were very few places to do so within the city. "So it must have been a fishing trip," Jacob said.

"Huh?" I responded with a quirked eyebrow. It was amazing that although I was a half-step closer to being a vampire than Jacob was, he seemed to know much more about being one than I did. Then again, he'd been hanging around vampires for longer than I had.

"Come on," he said hastily. I followed without question. As we hurried through the streets Jacob explained to me what a "fishing trip" was in vampire terms. He described the process of one or two vampires luring victims to a larger group of vampires to feed on. I could imagine it. The vampires would walk through the bars, pick up some poor drunk University kids with promises of a huge party or something even more sordid, then take them to a park or some kind of hidden area, and let the feast begin. I shook the disgusting image from my mind.

Jacob led us to one of the few urban parks. We instinctively walked toward the most wooded area. One moment I was breathing in the gentle scent of cold earth and chilly air, the next, I was inhaling the scent of death. Under our very feet lay an unmarked graveyard.

Jacob grimaced and held his hand over his face. "This is really recent, Ness. Definitely from last night." If the stench of the bodies and the intense smell of vampire wasn't indication enough, the state of the dirt was. The bodies were deep within the ground and who knew if they would ever be discovered, but even vampires can't make grass grow in winter. The brown grass gradually turned into brown dirt, indicating where the graves began.

I noticed Jacob was looking at something over my shoulder and I quickly turned around to face it, but found nothing. "What is it?" I asked.

"Look over there." He pointed straight ahead. A few hundred yards off my eyes focused on the only irregularity I could find. Fences surrounded the parks in France. They close at night and a fence is obviously meant to keep people out, but oddly enough, one of the bars was completely broken off, making a gap wide enough for a person to get through. But even more curious was that beyond the fence several large vehicles were taking up valuable parking space along the curb. Smaller vehicles are far more common in Europe to accommodate for limited space, but these vehicles were something you'd find in an American grocery store parking lot, meant to carry quite a few people. Upon closer inspection, we knew they were being used by the nomads. They reeked of the scent of vampire, and with all the more room to fit their helpless victims. The cars made two exciting and startling things clear; they were still in the city, and they were close.

I looked up at the sky. The sun was still shining brightly without any indication of the danger we were throwing ourselves into. "They must be hiding right now. There's zero cloud cover," I observed.

"I should phase," Jacob said abruptly.

"No! You can't!"

Jacob grunted in response.

"Besides the fact that it's broad daylight and we're in the middle of a big city," I carefully explained. "You know what Tani said about hostile behavior. You as a wolf would definitely be considered hostile."

"We're facing a _coven_," he reminded me.

"Hey, nothing we haven't done before, right?" I flashed him a quick smile. He didn't smile back. "Don't worry, everything will be fine," I assured the both of us.

We strolled down the sidewalk inconspicuously following the sweet smell of vampire that mixed in with the icy air. There were less and less shops and restaurants as we continued down the boulevard, eventually it turned into narrow cobblestone street with tall residential apartments on either side. The scent became stronger with each slow step as we wandered down the road. We could smell them so easily and I couldn't help wondering, could they smell us? I peered up into the dark windows thirty feet above me, speculating as to which place was holding these twisted vampires. I knew what we were doing was crazy. I knew there was a chance we might not come out of it alive. I didn't know where this courage was coming from. I could only hope I could hold onto it.

Our walk came to an end when, without a sound, both Jacob and I intuitively stopped in front of one of the tall beige buildings. Copper down-spouts that had long turned green flanked the simple arched front entrance. The windows were guarded by burgundy draperies on all three floors. I did my best to separate out the scents. Six, seven, maybe eight different smells. It would be easy for them to sense our new scents amongst their own. There was no way they didn't know we were here, but the sun was still shining, they weren't going to come to greet us or attack us. Standing in the sunlight we were still perfectly safe. We could turn around if we wanted.

I didn't want to.

"I'll go first," Jacob said nonchalantly.

I nervously smiled back, but quickly turned my face serious. I wasn't going to let my face give any of my emotions away. I couldn't control my heart, but I could control my body language.

The door was locked, but with a quick shove of his shoulder, Jacob forced it open. We took a few tentative steps into the front hall and then into a living room. The small amount of sunlight beating against the burgundy curtains didn't manage to warm the ice cold room. It felt colder inside than it did on the street. The furniture looked inexpensive and well-used. Nothing matched. Much of it looked like hand-me-downs or yard sale finds. I wondered if the vampires rented this house, or if they just killed whoever was living here. Since we hadn't yet found a soul, we were left with the option of going upstairs to seek them out, but I was filled with the distinct and uncomfortable feeling that I was being watched. Jacob must have felt it too; the hair on his neck was standing up. We were in their house, practically trapped. We were in no position to show any aggression. We knew they were here and they knew we were, too. There was no reason to pretend otherwise. I took a breath and swallowed, thought of my grandmother and her perfect manners, and lightly shouted, "An interesting place to hide."

"Isn't it?" someone chirped from the second floor. The boards of the stairs creaked with each step the person took down the steps. The stairway was in the foyer, but I could see it through the threshold into the living room. First, I saw his legs descend, clothed in finely ironed beige pants, then his torso, dressed in blue cashmere sweater, and then his face, the face of an angel. "It's no Versailles, but it keeps the rain off," he said with a smile. Now, I'd only been truly taken aback by the beauty of two men in my life, Sasha and my husband, but his smile would have sent any girl trembling. His hair was a little long, coming down to his shoulders. Jacob would grow it that long from time to time when he would get lazy and not bother to cut it. Jake's hair looked more rugged when he did that, the guy descending the stair's hair was perfectly smooth with just a little bit of curl. His chin was slight and rounded, but his jaw line was still striking. However, any inadvertent fluttering of my heart instantaneously disappeared when I caught myself looking at his red eyes. His piercing red eyes. "_Bonjour_. Who might you be?" His eyes darted between us both.

"I'm—"

"Hybrid?" he interrupted.

"Pardon me?"

"Please excuse him," a woman apologized upon entering the room. She was just as beautiful as the man, if not more so. Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a sensible ponytail that hung over her shoulder. Her face was narrow and her features classically defined – like a brunette Aunt Rosalie, but with eyes reflecting her recent meal. "Be polite to our guests," she chastised the man.

"Excuse me," he said with an apologetic nod. "Hybrids all have that same pungent aroma." Pungent couldn't possibly be meant as a compliment. "Of course, the heartbeat gives you away, too."

"Who are you?" Jacob cut into the conversation. He was surprisingly calm. Perhaps the weeks of covering his emotions had trained him.

"Just nomads passing though," the man answered. "And you are?"

"Same," I lied.

"Hmmm," the woman mused. "A nomadic hybrid and a werewolf searching out a vampire? That's unusual."

Damn our scents. It was impossible to hide anything. I didn't like the way she was looking at either of us. It was pointed and chilling – as if I were standing completely defenseless in front of her. The feeling was oddly familiar. A feeling of foreboding I recognized.

"Molly?" I spat out before I could think better of it. The look on her face was satisfying; she was completely stunned. Instantly, the foreboding left my body and my former confidence returned. The man was not flustered by it as she was. He even looked amused.

"Oh, do you know my wife?" he playfully asked.

"We have a mutual acquaintance," I was forced to admit.

"How interesting," she said, her face becoming tight again. "Please, let's not stand in the hallway, why don't we sit down?"

Jacob and I sat on a fuzzy green sofa. We both sunk deeply into the cushions, most of the stuffing having been matted down over time. The woman I now knew to be the vampire who changed Rye and her apparent husband sat in sad looking armchairs. The leather had been torn from both of them and patched up with dark grey duct tape. Who had lived here? Broke college students? A poor but happy married couple just starting out? A pair of grandparents who would rather spend their money on their grandkids then themselves?

"Molly. There's a name I haven't heard in a while," the female vampire said cheerfully.

"Well, if you are to be Molly, then I suppose that makes me George. I believe that was my name then."

"I believe so," Molly agreed.

"How many names do you have?"

"A different name for every person, for every place," she explained casually. "Now, Molly. Who did I know when I was Molly? Henry! Oh, how is Henry? I haven't seen him since—"

"Since you changed him?" I interrupted.

She just smiled. It was tight – like it was difficult for her to do. It wasn't nearly as natural as the smile on the man's, that is, George's face. "Yes. Not since then."

I wanted to shake her for her casual attitude. Did she not understand what she did to him? She left him alone with his thirst. He could have revealed himself. He could have been destroyed by the Volturi. How dare she act as if he ever meant anything to her?

"You're Renesmee Cullen, aren't you?" George asked.

I blinked in response. If they weren't going to admit to their actual identities then neither was I. "Where is everyone else?" I asked instead.

"Who do you mean?"

"We sensed several vampires in the area," Jacob said solidly, without an inkling of fear. The couple had paid far less attention to him. What if they were afraid of him? Despite all awfulness of the past months I was so glad he was with me now. There was no way I could do any of this without him. The steadiness of his voice gave me further confidence.

"We can't control what other vampires do, can we?" George said to evade the question. Then he found a way to change the topic. "So, tell me, what is the Council up to these days?"

"You follow the Council?"

"Oh, of course, always good to be an informed citizen, right?"

"The Council is doing well." Another lie, but a necessary one.

"Lovely to hear." His voice sounded so sincere, it was hard not to believe him.

"Tell me, why _did_ you think to seek out a large group of vampires? A very brave move I must say," Molly asked.

"We never sensed so many vampires in one place before and wanted to check it out." I hoped my lies were convincing. I willed my heart to keep quiet, but I could hear it pounding in my ears.

"Oh, but your family is rather large as well, isn't it?"

I hated how everything these people said ended with a question. Something was off about this. Something was off about this whole encounter. They weren't giving me answers; they were baiting me for information. They were listening for how my heart or my voice might betray my words. Although we had been the ones to seek them out, they were controlling this meeting. The calling cards going on even though they must have found every nomad out there? Were they trying to subtly get _our _attention all this time? Were they trying to split us up? Weaken us? Here we were. Their plan had worked. But I would fight. I wouldn't just be a pawn.

"What you're doing is against the law," I accused. The pleasantries were over. Everything they had done had been deliberate and they were going to answer for it.

"What _we're_ doing?" Molly said, feigning innocence. "What have we done? Surely bringing friends together isn't illegal?"

"No, but the indiscreet killing of humans is."

"And what do you know about killings humans?" she inquired.

"I know enough."

"Have you ever killed a human, Ms. Cullen?"

"No," I said flatly. I didn't want to insinuate my pride in this fact. They would only see it as condescending and righteous.

"Interesting," she hissed as she leaned back into her chair and slowly ran her palms up and down the wooden armrests. "So, I assume you do not know what it feels like to slowly come up behind a victim; a young man let's say. Average build, dark hair, nothing extraordinary, but _oh_, what a sweet, intoxicating scent. But you don't attack, not right away, it must be savored. Snap a twig, rustle a branch. Let him know he's being watched. Let the adrenaline percolate in his thick, satisfying blood. Hear his breathing increase slightly; listen to his heart beat just a little faster. Let the fear drip down his spine until he needs to assure himself out loud that there is nothing to be afraid of. You don't know what it feels like to slip you hands around his fragile neck and twist. Or how his liquid life flows into your body. Merciful, really. There are so many more torturous methods."

Her story threw me a little more than I anticipated. I was appalled of course, but at the same time, the back of my throat went dry. Why? I'd been around humans for days and barely been bothered. I hated my body for this reaction. I hated that these people brought it out of me.

"Why are you doing this? Is it some kind of game?"

"A game?" George questioned with his angelic smile. "No, Renesmee. It is not a game. There is no creature who takes feeding as seriously as my wife and I do. It's the most important thing there is."

"Fine. But why?"

"You feel it, don't you?" he asked.

"Feel what?"

"You're a hybrid, but you feel it. The burn deep in your throat? The yearning that rules your body? You deny it, but you know it. It's been some time since you hunted. I can sense it. Tell me, Renesmee. How bad is the burn?"

His smile became sinister to me and I refused to answer. I wouldn't satisfy his questions. I was stronger than he was.

"Why do you deny yourself?"

"I have a respect for human life," I said lowly. It was something neither of them would understand.

"Such a strange education you have had," he said with fascination. "Your thirst is not something to be denied. It is something to be celebrated, to take pleasure in. You act as if it's something to be ashamed of. The way you're looking at me right now, there's no respect there. You despise your own kind."

"No, _you_ despise your own kind. You believe just because someone wants to pursue a life different from yours, they're wrong."

"Neither of you are my kind." It was an awful statement, but delivered in a plain and clinical manner. There was no emotion behind it. He believed he was stating a fact. "He's a filthy dog and you're less than a human. A hybrid. A half-breed pretending to be like us. It's repulsive. You shouldn't exist."

I was filled with so much fierce rage I would have gone for his throat if Jacob hadn't beaten me to it. In his quiet demeanor, Jacob was hiding some ferocious anger. He lunged at George, smashing the chair and sending George into the wall. He made a pleasurable dent into the lath and plaster.

"Jacob! No!" I shouted. As much as I wanted to do what Jacob had done, I couldn't let him. He would create a reason for them to hurt us. Somehow, Jacob found the will to pull back, but his body had been flung into overdrive. He stepped away from George as his body began to shake. Controlling his urge to phase was something he had excellent control over, but right now, in the heat of all this danger, he was struggling. Distracted by Jacob's struggle, I wasn't prepared for Molly as she wrapped her hand around my neck, just as she had described doing to the imaginary human. I gasped as she squeezed. My breath was caught. Jacob saw it and his body began to shake even more violently.

_Stop!_ I wanted to yell. She was baiting him. She was trying to make him phase. I don't know where he found the strength to hold back, maybe because I was so close, but fighting against the urge prevented him from watching out for George's attack. Molly's tight grasp stifled my voice and stopped me from warning him, and George sent a loud punch against Jacob's chest, sending him into the opposite wall. Jacob found his ground though, and practically threw his body at George.

Everything happened so fast after that I could barely process it. The room was suddenly full of vampires. They were moving too quick for me to recognize them. The room was too small for Jacob to move and he couldn't get a handle on all his assailants. They punched him, tore at his flesh, and kicked him repeatedly in the chest, knocking the wind from his body. Jacob was forced against the floor. Someone had their foot against his neck.

"Stop this!" I squeaked. Molly instantly released me and stepped back to stand beside George. They both looked so amused. I wanted to kill them. "He is protected by the Council, you kill him and you will have the entire Council to answer to."

"He attacks me and I am the one to be punished? That does not seem a fair judgment to me." George practically sang.

"Regardless, if you let him go now, there's no crime, is there?"

With another smile and a nod from George, the vampires stepped off of Jacob. One by one they exited out the front door. The sun was no longer beating against the burgundy curtains. It was night. They were free to roam the city once more.

I dove beside Jacob, attempting to assess his injuries. Some of the cuts were deep and not healing very quickly. They way they kicked against his ribs over and over. Could they be broken? He was breathing so heavily. Blood was seeping through his clothes.

Molly and George stood in the doorway. George was dusting some of the debris from his sweater. "Tell the Council they need no longer worry about the calling cards any longer. Your warning has been received," he said calmly.

"And let Henry know," Molly called out. "That as far as humans go, he was a remarkable man. His scent was all wrong though. We couldn't be chased by those who wanted him, could we?" She left him because she didn't anticipate the addictive nature his scent would have after he was changed. She was unwilling to take the risk of having him around. I was glad she left him. I would never want Rye to have any connections to that vile woman.

"It was lovely to have met you, Ms. Cullen," George said as he closed the door behind him.

The room was dark, but I could see the blood now spattered on the crumbling walls.


	15. I Still Don't Know

A/N: **Very important note! Please read! Please notice that the rating has changed from T to M. This chapter contains some adult language and situations. **

That being said, compared to other M-rated fics, this would be considered tame.

Let me share a bit about my writing process. It's random. I write stories completely out of order. This is one of the first parts of the story that I wrote and I feel like I've been sitting on it forever. This is also the chapter that some of you have been patiently waiting for. I genuinely hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think of it.

Endless thanks as always to Fonzie'sGirl, kmddeprez1122, cocolin, BlackTreaderWolf, Gemg, & aschim for writing reviews!

**Chapter X: ****I Still Don't Know What I was Waiting For **

The moratorium on touching finally came to an end; only it didn't end with soft caresses, chaste kisses, or even innocent handholding. It ended with me half-carrying Jacob through the dark streets of Lyon without bringing attention to his many injuries. Fortunately, the sun had set and a cold wind had kicked up, keeping the streets empty for the most part. We had to leave that house. I doubted the coven would return, but we just couldn't stay there. Not with their scents sticking to our lungs. Jacob was having enough trouble breathing.

I wasn't sure what to make of his injuries. Still fully clothed it was difficult to tell; although, Jacob's clothing was barely being held together. For once it wasn't because he destroyed them by phasing. The vampires used their fingernails to rip through his clothes like a razor blade through tissue paper to get to his body. I had a stomach churning feeling that his clothing was pasted against his skin by his blood. I had additional clothing for the two of us packed away in the rental car, but that was several miles away. Jacob kept assuring me that he was fine, but the grimace on his face told me otherwise. My only option was to get him somewhere safe where I could figure out how hurt he actually was.

I chose to book a room in the first hotel we came across. It couldn't have been more than a mile away from the vampire house we just came from; however, it also looked like the kind of place that wouldn't ask questions when I rushed a bleeding man up the stairs. And fortunately, they didn't.

I let out a loud and cathartic breath when I finally had a deadbolt between us and the rest of the world. A silly thing to put my trust in, but a comfort nonetheless. Jacob was having trouble releasing any breath at all. Every intake of air seemed to be a struggle and I had to close my eyes for a second and remind myself, he was a wolf, he would heal. He would be fine.

Jacob immediately sat down on the bed, but I gently wrapped my hand around his forearm and pulled him into the bathroom. He complied, but let a small moan escape. I didn't know what to make of it. I'd never seen Jacob in pain like this before. And I was only seeing what he was allowing me to see.

The bathroom was tiny and lined with off-white six by six tiles, most of them cracked and several of them broken away revealing the pink wall behind it. It was lit by a single fluorescent fixture that buzzed annoyingly when I turned it on. I sat him down on the toilet and immediately went about removing his clothing. His jacket came away easily, but was basically ripped into two pieces. I wadded it up and threw it in the bathtub. The sight of my hands stopped me from proceeding for a moment. They were already stained with blood. In the spaces between my fingers. Under my fingernails. The color was so distinct and so familiar to me, as was the smell and the consistency. But never had the sight of it ever sent me trembling like it was now. I swallowed away my alarm and went back to Jacob. His t-shirt was black, so while it was visibly wet, there wasn't any way of knowing what the stain was. I reached behind him and grasped the hem, then peeled the remnants of his shirt up and over his head as gingerly as possible. Each inch I pulled up revealed new gashes and splotches of blood. The blood was making it look a lot worse than it probably was. I could tell some cuts were already perfectly healed, but others were inflamed or turning a dreadful shade of purple on their way to being mended.

"Stand up," I commanded. I couldn't believe how hoarse my voice sounded. Yes, Molly had her hands around my neck, but I didn't even notice my pain as I watched Jacob being attacked.

Jacob stood up with a grunt, but no other verbal protest. I undid his belt and then realized I hadn't yet taken off his shoes. I didn't want to have to tell him to sit and then stand up again, so I gently pulled down his jeans, he sat down on the toilet again with another groan, and I removed his shoes, socks, and pants. His chest and his back had received the worst of the gashes, but it was hard to tell what I was dealing with when most of his body was still covered in blood.

I grabbed a hand towel from the sink and turned on the water in the tub. Unfortunately, this hotel didn't even provide hand soap, so we would have to do without until I could get to the rental car. I put the stopper in to let the water pool. Almost immediately the water began to swirl with the blood from Jacob's clothes. I ran the hand towel under the water from the faucet, wrung it out, and then went to Jacob's shoulder as tenderly as possible. I didn't know how much he was actually hurting. I carefully washed the blood from his shoulders, his arms, and his neck and back, continually rinsing the cloth and wringing it out again. I didn't worry about releasing any errant thoughts his way. My mind was focused on this. I couldn't even think about anything else or I might fall to pieces. All I could handle was one small step at a time. Jacob remained silent, aside from an occasional grunt.

The last place I washed was his chest and stomach. This was the spot I worried about most. I started under his chin and worked my way down. He winced several times as I went over his abdomen, and as the dried blood began to disappear I understood why. His front was covered in garish purple bruises. I held back a gasp when I saw them. The fact that they hadn't yet turned green or yellow meant there must have been very deep tissue damage. He was having such difficult time breathing. What if he had internal bleeding? What if his ribs were broken? What if he punctured a lung? I had no way to fix that and I couldn't bring him to a hospital. I went as slowly and gently as possible over the area. By the time I finished, almost all of the gashes were a relief-inducing shade of pink. I unplugged the bathtub, letting the tinted red water rush down the drain. I threw the hand towel in the tub with his clothes and washed my hands.

Jacob grabbed the edge of the sink to pull himself up. I heard his breath catch in his throat against the pain.

"Let me help you," I insisted. I grasped under his bicep and helped him to stand. He limped over to the bed and sat down. As he leaned back, I awkwardly fluffed his pillow, and he pulled up both his legs onto the bed. He looked much better. The cuts were fading away. Hopefully, they wouldn't scar too badly. But I still worried about his ribs. His breathing was shallow. How quickly could he heal a broken bone? I began pacing back and forth as he lay as still as possible.

"Jacob, you need to be in a hospital," I said anxiously. The situation was starting to catch up with me. I couldn't pretend to be calm anymore.

"We both know that's not an option," he practically whispered. He sounded worse that I did. Did they choke him? Oh yes, someone had their foot pressed on his throat, just like I used to do with Rye. There wasn't much bruising there though. That should heal soon.

"Your ribs might be broken or…or something worse," I stumbled. I couldn't even articulate what might be wrong. I didn't know much about medicine. I never had an interest in it and there was never a reason to learn.

"I'll be fine. I just need to rest for a minute," he said weakly.

I bolted over to my jacket that I had thrown off before I pulled Jake into the bathroom and retrieved my cell phone. I immediately went scrolling through my contacts. "I'm calling Carlisle."

"What is Carlisle supposed to do in Canada?"

_Well, there had to be something he could tell me to do!_ I wanted to yell. But Jacob was right. Most broken rib injuries heal on their own and if it was something worse I wouldn't know the first thing about fixing it. Feeling frustrated and helpless, I threw the phone at the wall and shouted, "I don't know! Damn it!"

_Shoot_. I immediately thought. We really needed the phone. I kneeled down where the pieces landed. The back of the phone and the battery popped out, but it didn't appear to have broken. I held the pieces in my hands and started to fit them together. Then I saw the rings of blood still caked under my fingernails. How completely insane was I for worrying over a stupid phone? My eyesight turned blurry and I burst into tears.

"Ness, don't cry," Jacob called over roughly from the bed. "I'm really okay. I'm not coughing up blood or anything. I'm going to be fine." His words reassured me somewhere deep inside. If Jacob was really in terrible pain, he would tell me. Yet the tears didn't stop. He wasn't my only reason for crying. Everything was such a mess. Alina was missing, as was Rye at this point. There was a well-controlled and highly dangerous coven out there. I thought going to find them would be helpful. I thought it was a courageous thing to do. But what had we achieved? I didn't recognize a single vampire who attacked Jacob, and knowing Molly and George was almost pointless because they had a myriad of identities. All I'd managed to do was almost get Jacob killed and give the coven a reason to come after us. My disappointment in myself turned to anger and began to slow my tears. This made me feel so confused. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't want to feel helpless. I didn't want to contemplate that Jacob might die. Was it worse than the fear I was experiencing before? The weeks and weeks of silence when I wasn't sure if my husband would ever return to me? I didn't know what the right way to react was. All I knew is that I was just really, really angry.

"Jacob! What the hell was that?" I lashed out.

"What?" Jacob asked, genuinely taken aback by my sudden mood-swing.

I stood up and started pacing again. "Have you lost your mind?! You could have been killed! You could have gotten us both killed!" I shouted.

"I'm sorry," he croaked.

I continued the tirade. "That was exactly what we weren't supposed to do! Under no circumstances was anyone to create hostility!"

"They were threatening us," he said lowly. His voice sounded so small and pathetic compared to my shouting. It wasn't fair of me. He was in no condition for fighting. But I had so much confused rage boiling in me I couldn't control where it went.

"Well, now they certainly have a reason to come after us," I muttered.

Jacob grimaced as he sat up. "I know you're all about keeping the peace," he sneered. "But not all bloodsuckers are good and the world would be better off without them." He slumped back into the pillows.

"Don't you dare patronize me!" I said with a pointed finger. "I know better than you how evil vampires are capable of being."

"Whatever, Ness," he said with a wave of dismissal.

"Tani makes these rules for a reason. Our power is too fragile. It could easily be put back in the hands of merciless rulers and everything will go back to the way it was before! Do you want that?"

"I was protecting you."

"Yeah, well, protecting me almost got you killed. Not to mention a vendetta against us." I collapsed into the one side chair the room provided. It sat awkwardly next to a tiny window that had a crack running through it. The room made my future seem even bleaker. It was so small it felt claustrophobic, the television was about twenty years old, and the ugly floral bedspread had grotesque stains on it. Jacob's blood would be added amongst those stains. I leaned my head into my hand and tried to calm myself. "What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking…," he said, despondent.

I instantly glanced back up. He wasn't thinking? That was unacceptable. Our roles were too important. How could he still not understand that? "You're kidding, right? Because that is not an excuse!" I yelled bitterly.

"I'm sorry, okay? Damn it! I can't do anything right for you, can I?" He was the one to be angry now.

"Excuse me?"

"For weeks all I have heard from you is to cheer up, to act like myself."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does!" I stood back up and went to the foot of the bed. He was acknowledging this? He was admitting to putting barriers between us? I couldn't believe it. I wasn't sure it would ever happen. "I never wanted you to _act_ like yourself. I wanted you to get better."

"Haven't you realized by now that maybe I'm not going to get better? That maybe I can't go back?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means…it means nothing," he stammered.

I sat down next to his feet, ready and willing to keep fighting until this was finished. We wouldn't be able to survive if we didn't. "No! You brought it up." He looked away from me. Being unable to heal his body did frustrate me, but he didn't understand how resolved I was to fix _this_. "Did you know I considered using my ability on you?"

"You what?" he asked, incredulous and now furious.

My confession elicited the reaction I expected. He witnessed what happened when I used my ability on my father. Jacob knew how bad it was and how deeply it affected him. Jacob didn't want to know what lay in his subconscious, nor did he want me to know. If it was something as unpleasant as the fear of losing me, well, he decided he'd rather not live through it. I promised him he never would. "I've been practicing with Rye. The night Cristian and Natalie came back I almost used it against you."

"You said you would never do that."

"Well, I didn't do it, did I?"

"You're unbelievable," he scoffed.

"Look, I'm telling you this because I know I have been pushing you, but only because you've been pushing me out. That has to stop now."

"Just because you say it doesn't make it so. Imprinting doesn't mean ordering me around."

"Oh for God's sake, this has nothing to do with imprinting," I said, exasperated. His eyes fluttered in a strange way – like he'd been caught doing something wrong. I didn't understand it. I knew very well that imprinting isn't as simple as it seems on the surface. Just because an imprint needs her wolf to be her friend, doesn't mean he won't be hurt in the process. It doesn't mean it stops him from falling in love with her. It also doesn't mean that Jacob would become some kind of robot who automatically responds to everything I say. Sometimes I jokingly wished it was that way, but really, who wants a robot? Imprinting had been the cause of so many difficulties between us. I thought we were past them. We decided we wanted to be together. We were married. We'd promised to love and cherish each other forever. What could imprinting still do to us? However, he hadn't yet agreed with me. "Does it?" I nervously asked.

"They insulted you. They wanted to hurt you. I lost it. It won't happen again," Jacob muttered, changing the subject and refusing to look me in the eye.

I scooted a little bit closer to him. I swallowed when I noticed his stomach again. Still ranging levels of purple, but there was green in there now. I wanted to take his hand. He hadn't objected to me touching him while I was cleaning the blood. I thought better of it. I was in danger of releasing errant thoughts now. I needed to understand first. "Jacob, I know you've been grieving, you're still grieving, and there's nothing I can do to make the process go faster."

He visibly tensed up and struggled to keep his breathing shallow. Deeper breaths were probably painful for him. I hoped this talk would change things and relieve some pain caused by a different source. For both of us.

"But I'm so scared." The tears threatened to return. "You don't talk to me. You haven't touched me in weeks. Everything you do…it's been an act. You've built this shell around you and I don't know how to get through to you."

Jacob inhaled too deeply and a yelp of pain caught in his throat. He covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. His voice came out shaky and just as frightened as mine. "I'm sorry…I don't…I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"I want to help you, Jacob. I know I've done a horrible job. I've pushed you when you didn't want to be pushed, but I want to help you, I swear. I can help you. You _have_ to talk to me."

He dropped his arms to either side of him. His eyes were watery. "I'm afraid," he whispered.

"Afraid of what?" The question came out with a broken laugh. It was absurd for Jacob to be afraid. He was so brave. He took on a coven for me for God's sake. Was he afraid that by working with the Council I was risking my life and might leave him like his father had? Was he afraid he couldn't protect me?

"I see Seth with his girls, and Rachel, and Sam, and their…kids. They're so happy."

"We haven't been happy?" I asked immediately. I hadn't expected this. Our relationship had some rocky parts, but our marriage had been the best years of my life.

"Of course we've been happy. I just get…so…jealous."

"Because they have kids?"

Jacob and I…we weren't going to have children of our own. It had been many years since I reached maturity and several years since I stopped changing. It had also been several years since Jacob and I started sleeping together. We did the condom thing for a while, well, more a while. A long time really. And then one day, blame his human forgetfulness, we found ourselves in a situation where we didn't have any. We lived out in the sticks and the nearest drug store was a good thirty minutes away. In retrospect, we were being pretty irresponsible and just caught up in the moment. We didn't even discuss it much beforehand, aside from the ten second conversation that consisted of him saying,

"What if we…?"

I had shrugged my shoulders in response.

"Do you think we're ready?" he had breathily asked.

"I don't know. Is anyone?"

"Well, I'd say we're more ready than your parents were."

Maybe it was all those baby showers I'd attended on the reservation; maybe it was just that I was unwilling to wait an hour for the round-trip to and from the drug store. Whatever it was, I had simply said, "Okay."

Many years and 10,000 tries later, I still wasn't pregnant and our questions were put to rest. That was a hard time for us. But Jacob never put the least bit of blame on me for it. He continually comforted me and told me loved me exactly as I was. I was left wondering if he was more disappointed than he let on. I supposed, that question was just answered as well.

"You said you accepted it," I quietly reminded him.

"I did…I…I thought I did."

"You _thought_ you did? Either you did or you didn't!"

"I know! I did! I mean…it's not just that," he stuttered. "That's part of it, but that's not…it's like…he was just the first."

"Your father," I surmised.

"Yeah, my dad," Jacob said sadly. "He was the first. The first to be gone. I'm going to have to see my sisters grow old and eventually pass away. My brothers and sisters in the pack. My nieces and nephews. I thought I could handle it, but I just…"

It was awful. Did he think_ I_ wanted to see his family grow old and die? I loved Paul and Rachel and Seth and Anna and all their kids. They were my family just as much as my vampire side was. That was one of the reasons I didn't want to leave Forks in the first place. I didn't want to be away from them any more than he did. But this was all something he could have talked to me about. I could have comforted him about this. There was something else. Something I was missing.

"Jacob…what are you afraid of?" I whispered to him.

He never answered the question.

"Please don't make me say anything else," he pleaded. "I need more time."

I stared down at the faded bedspread. I pushed my hair behind my ears. I braced myself for…something. Something so bad Jacob could barely speak about it. "Tell me," I snapped.

He found my eyes. They said nothing but pure truth. "I'm scared…I'm going to resent you."

It all came into focus so clearly and abruptly then. Why he didn't want to touch me. Why he didn't want to see images of his past. I didn't even have time to absorb it. I just reacted.

"_Do_ you resent me?"

"Nessie, I love you. You're my wife. I know I love you," he declared. He reached for me, but I sat back on my heels and inched away.

"But you're going to resent me," I accused. "You're going to despise me."

"No, Ness. I could never…will never—"

"Eventually, you're going to hate me because I take you away from your family and I can't provide you with one."

"This is wrong. I didn't want you to—"

"You didn't want me to know?" I interrupted. That's exactly what he wanted. He thought this would all just fade away. Well it didn't. He just stewed over it until we were barely husband and wife anymore. "Did you think if we left you wouldn't have to deal with this anymore? You wouldn't have to be reminded?"

"Stop!" He leaned over to me again, but I fumbled out of his reach. I practically fell off the bed to get away from him. It didn't stop my verbal momentum.

"Did you think your feelings would just go away?!" I shouted.

"Ness, please! Let me think!" The heels of both his hands went to his temples.

"I shouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want the answer," I said finally. I leaned up against the door. Short of locking myself in the bathroom, there was nowhere for me to go.

I had to remind myself how to breathe. One breath at a time. I couldn't handle anything more.

This was my husband saying he might resent me for the horrible pain his connection to me would cause him. Yes, my mother would go through the same thing when she would lose he parents. But Jacob didn't choose to live eternally. It was forced onto him. As far as I saw it, thinking he might resent me, was just as bad as resenting me. I couldn't change what would happen to him, which meant I couldn't change what would happen to us.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jacob slowly push himself off the bed. He took a couple seconds to straighten up fully. He managed to do so without an inkling of pain crossing over his face. "Nessie, come here," he said, his voice husky and low.

"Sit down! You'll hurt yourself more than you already are," I ordered. I kept myself against the door.

He kept walking toward me. It didn't take long until he was towering over me, mere inches away. I looked down at the floor, although my eyes kept flickering to the numerous pink marks that indicated his sacrifice for me.

His scent washed over me. It was the smell of earth and pine needles and clean air, miserably tainted by the traces of blood that remained on his skin. His hand ghosted over my exposed collar bone, up my neck, down the line of my jaw. He gently tilted my chin up. My eyes randomly fixed on the bathroom doorknob. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Ness, touch me," he whispered.

I shook my head quickly. My hands fused into practical fists and pushed against the door. No. I wasn't going to touch him. We hadn't touched in weeks and this appalling conversation just made it more apparent that we shouldn't ever touch again. He wasn't going to associate my touching him with pain, with losing his father, with the truly awful regret that his life would eventually be ruled by. That was some truly messed up Pavlovian shit.

He placed his hand more firmly on my face. "Ness…_touch_ me," he repeated.

"No! I'll only make it worse," I groaned through my teeth. "I'm not going to give you more reasons to hate me."

"I love you. That will never change."

His lips crushed mine. I pinched my eyes closed just as tears began to stream from them again. His hands went up and down my body, quickly, harshly, without taking a moment to rest or appreciate what he was touching. It was a ferocity and an eagerness that ruled most of our lovemaking, but I felt removed from the act. Impatient, he forced my arms up and pulled my shirt over my head; then he leaned down and caught me with his mouth again.

"Don't fight me," he breathed against my lips.

Fight him? I'd been fighting him for weeks. To stop fighting, what would that mean? That I'd given up on having a future with him? That was basically the situation he had presented to me. I didn't know what the alternative was. Why not give up? I couldn't make myself age. I couldn't make myself wholly human. I couldn't make my body carry his baby. I couldn't undo imprinting. I couldn't do any of the things he needed, well, I could do one thing.

Feeling my reluctance, Jacob began to slow down. I surprised him by picking up where his enthusiasm left off. Tears continued to run down my face as my hands gripped his hair. If images were getting by, I didn't care. I was beyond caring. I just wanted _this_. If I was about to lose everything, I could at least have this. I attacked his mouth with mine and let my body decide my actions. I knocked my hips into his and he whimpered. I thought it might just have been out of pain until he pushed me hard up against the door and rolled his hips against me in response. His ribs must have been feeling much better, or he was beyond caring as well.

His hands fumbled at my belt and quickly unfastened the button on my jeans. I wriggled free of them. His hands were everywhere. A trail of heat followed each of his fingers as they crossed over my breasts, down my spine, and over my stomach in a fast, reverent pattern. When his hand palmed me between my legs, my hips jerked, and a shiver ran through me. It had been so long, but I easily recognized all these sensations, and they were wonderful, and that's what I wanted. To _feel_. It was the only thing I could hold onto while everything else fell away. Holding my trembling body against him, Jacob turned me around and helped me find the bed. Before I fell, I pushed down the one scrap of clothing he was wearing. Vestiges of blood remained on the taut skin over his hips, the few drops I didn't wipe away.

His weight enveloped me and I reveled in the warmth. The heat. There was nothing but heat. Heat was the only real thing in the world. I was on fire. I _was_ fire. I was about to spontaneously combust.

"I love you…I love you…" was being whispered amongst heavy breaths and shaky moans. If it was by me or him, I couldn't say. All I knew was that it was there, it existed, but whether or not it could survive, I had no way of knowing.

No other couple would ever have to endure this. No other _imprinted_ couple would ever have to endure this. He loved me. I would always need him. This connection wasn't beautiful or magical. Imprinting was none of things it had come to mean to everyone else. It was cruel and impossible, and it was set to destroy us both.


	16. Strange Fascination, Fascinating Me

A/N: Back at school. Senior project will soon consume my life. Wish me luck.

Thanks so much for the reaction to the last chapter! kmddeprez1122, cocolin, Fonzie'sGirl, Gemg, BlackTreaderWolf, Angel-danger, & JacobAPotter, you guys are the best!

If this chapter just leaves you confused, that's okay. It confuses me a little bit, too.

Alina's POV

**Chapter XI: Strange Fascination, Fascinating Me**

They were hard to follow, but I knew one of them. I had to get closer, and then, I could go there. It was so distracting. It was too distracting. Overwhelmed.

I had to plan.

The plan was there. It was there. I needed to get _there_.

I could not. I could, but I could not. It was not too far, but I would not make it. I would make it, but I would not live…I would not live through it.

The plan. That was the plan.

When did I get here?

How did I get here? _God. _It was so distracting.

It was not just my throat anymore. It was…at first. The burn in my throat. I expected it. I learned about it. I knew that was coming.

The burn. I wanted it. I _did not_ want it. I wanted what I thought I wanted. I did not want what the burn wanted. But…_oh_…I longed for it.

It almost seemed tolerable at first. It was just a discomfort. Uncomfortable, but bearable. But it grew. Grew is not the right word; it spread.

No.

It was…it…it was like ash at first, trapped in the back of my throat. Nothing could reach it or force it out. It was a dryness that was impossible to quench. Then it changed. It reignited from ash to embers. Tiny, glowing sparks. Sparks flamed into coals, and the coals caught on some kind of kindling and became a flame, and the flame turned into a scorching…

Where was I trying to go? Them. Follow them.

Stop thinking about it.

But oh, the burn. Yes. I was prepared for the burn in my throat. It was not just in my throat. The flames leaked into my lungs making each breath a torturous action. The fire pushed into my belly, reminding me of an emptiness I could not fill. It went to my legs, to my shoulders, down my arms, and into the tips of my fingers. I was being consumed.

I wanted to consume. I could not. Not there. Not where I was.

The plan would take me to the right place.

I felt him. I felt them. I saw them. They were together, but then they were not. Why would they separate? He was not very far. Speed. He was speed. I was speed. How? I do not know how. He was close. Away from him was better. Away from him was better. Away from him was better. Away from _her_ was better.

She did not know. They did not know. I would never say. I did not know. Not until now.

The burn wanted it. I did not understand. Now I understood. I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted it.

My fingers were shaking as I ran them over my scalp. The fire had not reached that place yet. My mind was still alive. Was it alive? Had it been burned?

Think. Think. Concentrate. Find them. With a harsh flinch I could see…one. One means all. They are close.

Blink and time passes so quickly. The speed. I blinked and I was there. Not _there_. I could not go _there_ until I had them. I was with them now. They did not know where we would go. They would have to go.

They were staring at me. I did not know what I looked like. I cannot even remember what I looked like before. Maybe I am burned on the outside. The fire has consumed me. I am black. I am ash. I am nothing but dust about to be returned to the earth.

_If only. _

They were surprised. They were calm. Was I calm?

They were saying words. I responded. I forgot what I said. But the plan. The plan.

"I need to go there," I told them. They ask me why. They ask why.

_Why?_

Did they not see I was nothing but fire? No. Even less. I was the burn. The burn was everything. I was the burn.

I wanted it.

They would extinguish the burn. They would help.

They ask what they will get in return. What else exists in the world? All I knew was what I wanted. No! The plan. I told them the plan. The plan would give them what they wanted.

They need to think, but they are convinced. They have a plan, too. They want, they do not want _it_. They do not want what I want, but the means are the same.

That was why we left. We were going _there_. They are not there. Good. It was better they were away.

I wanted it. I would have it.


	17. Just Gonna have to be a Different Man

A/N: I can honestly say that in real life I rarely swear. So rarely, that when I do, it just sounds weird. I don't begrudge anyone who does, but I never got in the habit of it. However, I have learned that there are times when a curse word is just the best possible way to describe a situation. This chapter is just that kind of situation. I mean, remember what happened in _Eclipse_ when Jacob got beat up? I'm taking advantage of the new M-rating a little bit.

Thanks to Gemg, Angel-danger, kmddeprez1122, Fonzie'sGirl, JacobAPotter, cocolin, BlackTreaderWolf, & simplelullaby for writing reviews and all the speculation on the last chapter!

Jacob's POV

**Chapter XII: Just Gonna have to be a Different Man **

_Holy shit_. Don't move. _Don't move_. I was going to have to learn how to _not_ breathe, because each and every breath I took also included an acute and shocking pain that spread out from my abdomen to the far reaches of my entire body. This was bad. The cuts had sucked. They were like thin, sharp, exacting knives slicing through my skin. I wouldn't have had a problem if I had phased; my furry hide would have protected me. At least they healed relatively quickly because phasing would have probably made things worse. Then again, I couldn't imagine a scenario much worse than this. My stomach, my ribs, whatever internal organs are in that vicinity had never hurt like this before. I was becoming more and more certain that I would never be able to sit up again. I swallowed thickly and braced myself to open my eyes, certain that the contents of my torso had been ripped out and strung around me. My eyesight was a little blurry, but my body appeared to still be intact, aside from the colorful array of bruises ranging from nearly black to an ugly green that covered my midsection. I shouldn't have been complaining about this so much. I'd had worse injuries and I would live through these ones. _God damn it._ I was too old for this.

I took a few more breaths and closed my eyes again. This bed sucked, too. Old and creaky. I could feel every spring that connected with my body. I tried to push the pain away and just relax. Maybe even fall back asleep. These were the kind of injuries that healed themselves. The only thing I could do was lie still and let it mend. I tried to think of things that would distract from the pain. I thought about pine trees and cold, fluttering snow. I thought about quiet rain and humid breezes. It wasn't doing the trick. The pain was just as sharp as ever. I changed tactics. I thought of the sun shining in through a row of ribbon windows, casting the room in generous, comforting light. I thought of a warm bed and soft skin. I thought about the resulting heat and sweat. My arm instinctively reached out beside me. I was met with nothing but cold sheets. _Nessie_.

I tried to shoot forward, but the movement intensified the pain, keeping me from sitting up fully. My body was sending raging alerts to my brain that said moving was a bad, bad idea. I tried to ignore it, but I still grunted as I fought against it. In my panic, my eyes finally focused and I found her. She wasn't hard to find. It's not like she was hiding. She was sitting on the bed near my feet. She was facing the bathroom. I could even see her face. She looked…well…mostly she just looked tired. Completely exhausted. Her hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail that was sagging down. Her skin didn't have its usual glow. That may have been a result of the poor lighting of the crappy hotel room we were in. There was an obvious shadow under both of her eyes. Her eyes weren't puffy or anything; she hadn't been crying. She was…blank, detached. A pile of clothing I recognized as my own was gathered on the edge of the bed. She was wearing different clothes from yesterday.

_Yesterday_.

My mind's recall of the previous day's events hit me so hard it knocked the breath of out me, which wasn't difficult to do in my current state of injury. In my haze of sleepiness and throbbing pain I had somehow forgotten it for a few fleeting moments. _Did that actually happen? _Going after the coven? Yeah, that sure as hell happened. I had the broken ribs to prove it. We did find them and we did fight them and we did lose, but what happened afterward? _Fuck._

I licked my dry, chapped lips and opened my mouth to say something. No words came.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked suddenly. She didn't look to me, just kept staring at the open bathroom door. She sounded more tired than she looked.

"Um…yeah. I think so," I lied. Truth be told, I felt like shit. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. Everything hurt. I didn't want to get into it though, because out of the two of us, I didn't think I was the one who was hurting the most.

"You should take a shower," she suggested without looking at me again.

"Okay," I agreed without thinking. The shower appeared to be several miles away. Really, it was about three feet, but it might as well have been miles away. There was not a single nerve ending in my body that thought the walk to that bathroom was a viable option. Maybe if I asked Nessie to help or perhaps carry me I could make it. I didn't think I could stand to do that either, and not only because being carried by my wife who was half my size was a little emasculating. Did she sleep last night? Probably not considering how tired she looked. In fact, the clothes she was wearing now and the clothes sitting on the bed were in the car the last time I saw them. She must have gone out by herself to get them and the car. That was a terrible idea. There was a God damn coven out there. But who was I to talk? Here she was, all in one piece, unlike me. And after last night, I was lucky she didn't get in the car and just keep driving.

Despite my body's objections, I leaned forward and grabbed my clothes. I had to hold my breath to keep from groaning. Nessie didn't move or flinch or do anything when my arm came near her. I don't even think her eyes moved. I picked up a clean pair of boxers, slowly put my feet on the floor, and slipped them on. Again, her eyes didn't flicker in any direction. I gathered up the rest of my clothes and limped to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I caught one more glimpse of her. She was looking over at the entry door now. Her eyes were still empty, she wasn't crying, but she wasn't looking at me either.

I stood there for awhile, unsure of what I was waiting for. The pain was lingering and would flair up to a more severe degree if I breathed too deeply, so I did my best to keep my breathing shallow. The tub was clean and my ripped up clothes were gone, as was the red ring that hung around the rim previously. My usual bottles of soap and shampoo were sitting on the edge of the pedestal sink. I left them there, knowing I didn't have the capacity for bathing myself just yet. Standing was a feat enough on its own. God, I was such an invalid. In fact, I wished I hadn't put on the boxers at all because now I would have to expend the effort into taking them off again. Two and a half months ago, I wouldn't have put them on, and it wasn't because I wanted to avoid straining a broken bone. It would have been because I was in my own house, with my wife, who would be pulling me out of bed hastily to take a shower with her. We would have been laughing and tickling and fondling under the spray, not caring when the hot water eventually ran out. Her face would have been flushed with excitement and desire, not pale and done in like it was now.

This was so wrong in so many fucked up ways. We'd never done anything like…what happened last night. We fought a lot and the fights more often than not ended with sex, but this was unreal. I'd never forced it like that, but I didn't force it, did I? No. I was going to stop; I was sure of it. But then she pushed for it. And I let her.

I abruptly realized I'd been standing here for too long. Nessie was probably wondering what was going on. I slid off the shorts, stepped into the tub, and turned the hot water tap all the way up. It got just hot enough that it actually felt warm to me. It was nice to at least get the last of the grime off of me. Thinking of warm things granted me some momentary relief before, but it wasn't helping my sore muscles and broken bones much now. It would probably feel better if I sat in a tub of ice. I didn't turn the water to cold though. I didn't want to feel cold. I didn't want to feel numb anymore.

Because that's what I'd been for months. Numb. Fucking numb. Right after my dad died there had been pain, sorrow, grief, all of it. It was overwhelming. Compared to that, the physical pain I was in now was nothing. I wanted to do right by my dad when he was alive. He'd taken such good care of my sisters and I after my mom died; he deserved it. I never regretted a minute of the time I took out of my life to help him. And besides, I had Nessie with me the whole time. I had everything I could ever want. But no matter what I did, he just kept getting sicker; a tiny bit weaker every time I saw him. And then, he was gone. No, it wasn't sudden, but it hurt. He was a good father. He was more perceptive than I ever gave him credit. He could sense things about me I never saw in myself. He knew I'd be a good Alpha for the pack. He understood the relationship between shifters and vampires would become more than what it had been for our ancestors. And I really missed him. And I didn't want to face it. So I didn't. I didn't want to feel anything. I chose to be numb.

Unfortunately, being numb doesn't mean you stop thinking, at least in my case. If anything, it just gave me more time to think. And that's what I'd been doing the whole time I spent being numb. I was mulling it over, trying to make sense of it all. And last night it just…all spilled out. I wasn't sure if I ever intended to tell Nessie any of the things I'd been thinking about. How could I? Look what I'd done to her. I'd taken a woman with the most beautiful spirit imaginable and I broke her.

Suddenly, I really needed to see her. I would apologize. I would take it all back. I would because…because I had to. I loved her. We could be happy again. We deserved to be happy again. We deserved carefree shower time and making out in public places and holding each other tightly as the sun set over whatever mountain range we happened to be near. We'd been through too much to lose it all now.

I turned off the tap, dried off, and dressed as quickly as I could, which wasn't very quick. It still took a good twenty minutes. All the while I was doing my best not to groan too loudly. However, I noticed that I was feeling minutely better than I did when I woke up. I probably would be much further along in the healing process if we hadn't engaged in…what happened last night. I wasn't even thinking about the pain while it was happening. It's amazing how many ways the brain will keep you numb. When I was dry and dressed with my bruises covered up, I looked perfectly fine. No one would know there was a thing wrong with me. When I started limping, well, I could only wait till I healed completely.

I pulled the door open slowly, expecting Nessie to be in the same spot when I closed it. She had moved to the chair that sat next to the single pathetic window that was letting in a bad draft and barely any light. She looked up and down my body, and initially, I was relieved. I mean, at least she could look at me. But her eyes were still empty and blank. They didn't betray a single thing she was thinking or feeling. It was like looking at Edward during those days when Bella was pregnant and at death's door. I wasn't about to die though.

I cleared my throat. I stayed in the threshold of the bathroom. It was easier to stand if I had something to lean against.

"You look better," she said softly.

I nodded, even though my body disagreed. It didn't matter. I cleared my throat again, trying to decide my next choice of words carefully. Every word said from now on was going to be vitally important. "Ness, I—"

"We should go," she interrupted. "We shouldn't stay in one place for too long." She stood up and started collecting her things. There wasn't much, just her jacket and a leather messenger bag she swung over her shoulder. I glanced down at the floor near her feet and noticed a small black rectangle next to an even smaller black rectangle. It was her phone, still in pieces.

"Your phone," I pointed out.

She immediately looked down to the floor and paused. "Oh." She hesitated before she picked up the pieces. It was a reminder of what had transpired last night; evidence that it actually happened. As if the horribly soreness of my ribs wasn't evidence enough. As soon as the pieces were put back together the phone chirped. She looked bored as she clicked through the alerts, until suddenly, her shoulders tensed up and her eyebrows came together. She furiously punched in buttons.

"What is it?" I asked.

"My Dad called," she explained, already having dialed the phone she held it to her ear. She turned away and faced the sad window. I could faintly hear the rings and the perfunctory "hello" when Edward answered. "Daddy?"

_Daddy?_ Nessie never called Edward Daddy – not since she was four years old – much to the disappointment of Edward. Not that I could blame the guy. He only got to be "daddy" for a few years. Tough break.

"Where are you?" She pressed the earpiece tightly against her ear and I did my best not to listen. "No, I'm…I'm fine," she assured him. "We're not in Romania. Jacob and I. Listen, can you…? Yes. Yes. I'll see you there." She quickly ended the call, grabbed my shoes, and put them at my feet. She brushed past me to get the unused toiletry products and threw them in her bag. I tried to follow her pace as I put on my shoes, but felt woefully slow.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"We're meeting them in Geneva." Geneva, Switzerland. A city known for diplomacy and international cooperation. Also known as the Peace Capitol. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Our time in the car passed quickly. Nessie was driving. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have let her since she obviously did not sleep last night. As it turned out, I was in worse shape than she was, and the pain hadn't subsided enough to leave me able to drive.

It was mind-boggling to me that all these major cities were so close together. In a little over an hour we would go from Lyon to Geneva, whereas to go from Forks to Seattle took over three hours. One thing I would always love about Washington, at least there was space. We didn't speak in the car much. I got the sense that Nessie didn't want to. At any rate, she didn't make any effort to converse, but she wasn't ignoring me either.

"Where are Bella and Edward?" I asked when I found myself finally brave enough to speak.

"Chamonix. In the Alps. They went skiing," she said indifferently.

"I can't imagine Bella skiing," I said with an eye roll. I honestly couldn't see it. Even after all her accident free years I was still sure she'd run herself into a tree. Nessie didn't laugh or smile at my comment. She'd talk when I directly asked a question, but that was all. It's like nothing I said could get a single reaction out of her. There was no anger or bitterness or cheer or anything. She just drove the car and stared straight ahead.

Geneva was an intensely dense city and gave me plenty to look at while Nessie was driving and neither one of us was talking. Nessie seemed to have no problems getting around. She zipped through the avenues and boulevards like she'd lived here her whole life. Then I remembered the possibility that maybe she had lived here. Whenever I thought I was sure I had heard everything about her trip with Ántonia so many years ago, she would come up with another story she had yet to share. It's what sparked my interest in traveling with her in the first place. I loved that she had all those experiences. I loved that it made her the person she was today. I found myself wishing I could have been a part of it. I didn't talk about it much because I didn't want to give her false hope either. I didn't know how long we'd be in Forks with my dad. After he died, it didn't feel right to talk about then either. How could I say, "Well, my responsibility to Forks is done, let's go have an awesome vacation?" That left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. In the end, it seemed we were seeing the world together, but it wasn't the enjoyable experience I had hoped for.

Eventually, Nessie found whatever street she was looking for and parked the car. She didn't give me any details about the specific place we were meeting them, but I thought it best to just follow her lead. We walked – well, she walked; I limped – down a few streets till we were in a city square. There was a clock tower and orange train cars running through it. Nessie's eyes didn't focus on any one thing. They kept darting around. Once a couple train cars passed through we could see across the entire square. Oddly enough, I saw them first. I pointed to a café where through the window I could see her parents, hiding from the sun. They appeared to be happily conversing over a plate of uneaten croissants. Nessie's eyes followed the direction of my arm and upon seeing them, increased her speed slightly, a little too fast for me to keep up with her in my weakened state. Bella and Edward saw us coming before we got in the café. Excited to see us, they bolted out of their chairs and met us under an awning that hung over the outdoor portion of the café. It wasn't being utilized much in the cold of winter.

"Nessie! We missed you!" Bella squealed over her daughter's shoulder. I noticed Nessie kept her hands in fists against Bella's back. Edward looked equally thrilled for about six seconds before his face became utterly dumbfounded. He stopped in his tracks a good two feet away from where his wife and daughter were embracing and just stared at Nessie. When Bella finally let Nessie go, Nessie stared back at her father. She was talking to him; they just weren't sharing the conversation with the rest of us. Bella started to become anxious, understanding Nessie was sharing something important, but frustrated that she couldn't know what it was right away.

Nessie and Edward remained staring at one another for about another ten seconds while the rest of us stood silent. Her face was as blank and indifferent as it had been the entire day. Edward kept his face still as well, but momentary flashes of anger and confusion would sneak by. Finally, Edward just held out his arms to her and she rushed into them. Bella observed the two and then looked over at me. I dropped my head, ashamed of everything that happened, even though Bella didn't know anything about it yet. I couldn't bear to look any of them in the eye.

"Renesmee, would you like some time with your father?" Bella asked.

Nessie pulled away from Edward and nodded wordlessly. He kept one arm around her shoulders and walked away with her. I instinctively took a few steps after them, wanting to stop them. I couldn't let her leave without apologizing, but Bella stopped me by putting her hand on my arm. She shook her head at me and we watched them leave us. This wasn't the first time I'd watched Nessie walk away from me, but it was the first time I thought she was right for doing it. Nessie was never going to forgive me. Edward was never going to forgive me. And soon, neither would Bella.

"Shall we go inside?" she asked. She flashed me a sympathetic smile at me and I followed her inside the café. She took her original seat and I took Edward's. "Are you hungry? We ordered some food for the two of you." She gestured to the croissants and the mugs of hot chocolate in between us. They had excellent timing. The hot chocolate was still steaming. I picked up the croissant and nibbled on it. I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday, before everything completely fell apart.

"Okay, so what happened? You and Nessie have a fight?" Bella asked; her annoyance at being left in the dark was plainly apparent.

"Something like that," I mumbled.

"Can you be a little more specific?"

"I screwed up," I confessed.

Bella rolled her eyes and huffed. She was becoming increasingly impatient. "Okay, how did you screw up?"

I stared at the half-eaten pastry in my hand. How could I tell her? How could I tell my best friend and mother-in-law how I basically destroyed her daughter and any chance we had at being happy again?

"Come on," she encouraged, "it couldn't possibly be worse than the wedding fiasco."

Our wedding. What an epic fucking disaster that was. In theory, the wedding had done what weddings are intended to do. Nessie and I were married at the end of it. It also ended with Alice barely speaking to us and Bella and Edward being really, truly pissed.

A few months after I moved out of my dad's house and into the Doghouse, Nessie had basically moved in herself. About a third of her possessions were there. I didn't mind it at all of course. I preferred that she be there, and knew it was only a matter of time until she was moved in completely. Naturally, this did not sit well with Edward. It even bugged Bella a little bit even though she did her best to be a "cool mom" and go along with it. We spent months trying to wear him down. He may have been hypocritical considering all the nights he spent with Bella, but it didn't matter, because Nessie was his _daughter_, and that relationship was completely different. Edward never did end up conceding to the idea, and, of course, this pissed Nessie off like never before.

"Can you believe him? After everything I've been through? I've lived without him on the other side of my planet for God's sake! He doesn't trust me at all!" she shouted. It was a good thing we built the house as far away from the Cullen estate as we did. I'd learned that when Nessie had crossed the line into this level of anger, she was completely unreasonable, and it was best not to say anything. She would pace through the living room, yelling profanities and livid threats, to which I would nod and keep my mouth shut. "You know, he couldn't say anything if we were married," she scoffed.

I couldn't stop the laugh that came up from my throat. She stopped pacing and glared at me. I cleared my throat and tried to pass it off as a cough. Marriage? Nessie saw marriage as pointless, and I'd all but given up on convincing her otherwise. I mean, if I had to choose between her living with me unmarried and not living with me at all, I'd choose the former. What could I say? I wasn't as patient as Edward had been with Bella. "If we were married, he'd have a whole set of different problems with that, but you're right, he would have one less argument about us living together," I agreed. It was always best to agree.

"Let's do it," she said with a casual shrug.

"Huh?"

"You've been asking me for years, I want to move in here, my parents will have a problem with it unless I'm married, so let's go get married."

"You mean, elope?"

"Yes."

"Ness, that's not a good idea," I said with a nervous laugh. I was always laughing at the most inappropriate times.

"Why?"

"Your parents won't like it. They want us to have a real wedding."

"That will take so much time," she whined. "Even with all the money in the world it will still be months until it happens."

She knew I was impatient for her to move in, so logically, I believed she made the suggestion for my benefit. But getting married also meant something else; getting married meant sex. How we had managed to hold off until this point, I wasn't sure. A lot of cold showers. How we would manage to hold off when we were living in the same house? Well, there was a reason Edward didn't want us living together. Nevertheless, I respected Nessie and our relationship meant everything to me. I don't know how I'd keep it from happening, but I'd make sure it didn't. I was sure I wasn't the first idiot to think he could make good on that promise. "I'm okay with waiting," I assured her.

"I'm not." She stopped pacing and a determined, but soft look took over her face. She sauntered up to the couch I was sitting on; she straddled either side of my lap, pushed her thin, warm body against mine, and wrapped her arms around my neck. She ran her fingers through my hair and the sensation made me sigh and instantly relax. This is when the alarms would usually start going off in my head. They were being muffled slightly by the fog Nessie's sweet scent put me under. Then she did this thing where she just barely rolled her hips, in a way that it could be interpreted as an innocent accident, but she did it too precisely and it worked too effectively for it to be accidental. She did it again. And again. The fourth time my hips thrust gently in time with hers and I immediately put my hands on her hips to still them. She was smiling way too big. I gulped and shut my eyes so she wouldn't see how they rolled back into my head. In spite of this, I was pretty sure she knew how much power she had over me.

"I don't want to waste any more time with waiting," she whispered, her hot breath fanning my lips. Somewhere along the line, my shy, patient girl who was uncomfortable even saying the word sex had become an impatient seductress. And she was damn good at it.

One would think that having Alice for an aunt and after the yearsI spent asking Nessie to marry me, it would ended in some over-the-top romantic wedding. That was hardly the case. About fifteen minutes after that conversation, we jumped in the car and drove to Portland because Washington has a three-day waiting period on marriage licenses, which apparently cannot be waived for any reason according to the Google search we conducted before we left. We waited in line for two and half hours in Portland until we were able to apply for the license, pay the ten dollar fee to have the waiting period waived, and were officially married. Well, as official as a marriage can be using fake documents.

The five and a half hour drive from Portland to Forks? Yeah, I made it in four. We wanted our first time to be in our house. When we got home, our home, it was well past midnight, and we celebrated like newlyweds should. What made the situation with her family unpleasant and the wedding an epic fail was how everyone found out about it. Nessie had spent the night at my place numerous times, and Edward and Bella never came over to prevent it or even made rules to stop it. However, every morning after Nessie would spend the night, they or one of the other Cullens would conveniently just drop by to say hello, or more accurately, to spy. What Rosalie found when she was sent over the following morning was Nessie and I sleeping in my bed completely naked. She couldn't be expected to keep that to herself, now could she? Alice was furious we got married without her input. Rosalie was annoyed she had to have the visual for the rest of her life. And Bella and Edward were pissed since we'd basically done it to spite them. More importantly, they were hurt they didn't get to be involved at all. Nessie felt horrible afterwards because she did regret hurting everyone's feelings. Packing up her stuff from the cottage was awkward and I held her while she cried that night. But, time does heal wounds, and after given some time to adjust Bella and Edward understood our impatience and were happy for us. We all celebrated on our one-month anniversary with a beautiful reception Alice planned. Ever since then things had been so good. Maybe too good.

Bella began tapping her fingers against the table. I could no longer stall. I set the croissant on the plate, sat back in my chair, grasped the bottom of my shirt, and exposed the black and blue marks across my torso.

"Oh my God, Jake!" Bella exclaimed, her eyes going wide. "Did…did Nessie do that?"

"What? No!" I said, hastily putting my shirt back down. "There's a coven of nomads out there that formed recently. We ran into them." We actually hunted them down, but Bella didn't need to know that detail at the moment.

"By yourselves? Are you insane?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," I fumbled. There was no good explanation for that. It was a really stupid idea. "It doesn't matter. That's not what the fight was about, well, that started it, but it wasn't what it was about."

"Then what was it about?"

I took a sip of the hot chocolate. Swiss chocolate. It tasted nothing like the packets of Swiss Miss I would occasionally buy.

"You're happy that Edward changed you, right?"

"Of course," she answered. She looked concerned. She probably thought I was still stalling.

"I didn't always agree with it, but I understand now it was right for you, for him. Nessie changed me, too, you know."

"I know," she said with a nod. She picked up the second mug and held it between her hands. She didn't drink it. She just wanted to make us look a little more normal and a little less extraordinary. I glanced around the room. Just like yesterday when I sat in the restaurant with Nessie, people were staring.

"It wasn't just the imprinting that did it either," I clarified. "That's not the only thing that makes me care about her and want to make her happy. _I_ want to do those things." I took a moment to absorb the truth of that statement.

"You've been a wonderful husband for her, Jake. I couldn't ask for a better son-in-law." Bella grinned.

I nearly laughed. I'd been a shit-husband for the past two and half months. I'd done nothing but worry her. I was cold one second, angry the next, and faking normalcy after that. She knew I was faking it the entire time. I couldn't get a thing past her. All the while, I completely closed myself off to her. I had to do it though.

"I loved our life in Forks. We had a house. We were married. We had our families. We had everything."

"Then Billy passed away." She set her mug back down, her face serious.

I took a moment to absorb that truth as well. "Yeah. I miss him." My voice shook.

"I miss him, too," she said genuinely.

"What do you think you'll do when Charlie dies?"

Bella didn't flinch at the frankness of my question, although she did take a moment to pause and think. Inevitably, she must have considered it after my dad, who was Charlie's best friend, passed away. "I don't know what it will be like," she admitted. I was glad she didn't say she understood what I had gone through, because no one except my sister's and I knew what it was like to lose Billy Black as one of his children. Bella was the only person who would know what it would be like to lose Charlie Swan as his daughter. "But I know it will give him peace of mind to know that I'm happy. Billy believed the same about you and he wouldn't have had it any other way."

"I know." I had already accepted that. My dad told me all the time how proud he was of me. I wondered if he would be proud of the man I was right now.

"So what's going on? What is Nessie so upset about?"

"After his death, things changed. I mean, my dad was the reason we were staying in Forks. And more than that, we _had _to leave, which I really didn't want to do. I love my sister's kids, and Seth's and Sam's. I love them like they were my own. I love being a part of their families." This is why I had to keep Nessie out for so long. When I started talking about this I couldn't make myself stop. "But I can't stay with them. I can never go back because I'm part of something else – something that could hurt them. I knew it was coming, but why would I think about all this miserable stuff? I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to make Nessie happy. After all the shit we went through? With him gone, I had to start facing all of it. They're all going to be gone. They're all going to die and I have to watch it happen and I can't do a damn thing to stop it! And it's her fault," I finally confessed. It was the first time I'd ever said it out loud. I didn't know whether Bella would punch me or comfort me. She did neither; instead, she was glancing around the room at those who were staring at us, not because we were extraordinary, but because I was making a scene.

"What's her fault?" she whispered across the table.

I dropped my head down, put my palms against my temples, and closed my eyes. "I imprinted on someone who's immortal. It's her fault that I can't be with them. It's her fault that I'm going to live forever and watch them die."

"You told her this?"

Yeah. I told her all that. But none of that was what killed her spirit. I sucked a breath through my teeth. "I told her I was afraid I would resent her for it."

"Oh, Jacob…" Bella softy gasped.

I lifted my head up and grabbed her hands over the table, surprised that she didn't pull away. "I know I can't live without Nessie. I love her. I know I'm in love with her and I can't lose her. I didn't mean to tell her. I didn't want to. I was going to apologize to her this morning, but I didn't get a chance. She was so distant. I'll take it all back, I swear."

"Jacob, this is not the kind of thing that you can take back. Even if you apologized, it would always be in her head. You're going to have to talk this through."

"How?"

She squeezed my hands. "You just have to."

I sighed loudly. It provided no relief. It just staved off the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks. Everyone in the café probably thought Bella was my girlfriend and was breaking up with me. I nearly laughed again. We'd already been down that road.

"Is there anything else?" she asked.

"Actually, yeah," I let go of her hands and sat back against the chair again. I hesitated to tell her this, but she didn't seem to hate me yet. I might as well go for broke. "It gets worse. So, I said all that stuff to her and she gets really upset and I'm really upset, and then we…"

"You what?"

"Well…we kind of…we slept together. The first time since before my dad died."

"You said all that to each other and then you had sex?"

I nodded guiltily.

"Geez, Jacob. You can't use sex to replace communication."

"It wasn't like that." Was it? I didn't know what the hell it was. I just knew that I was losing her and I had to stop it and then…yeah.

"That's exactly what it sounds like you did."

"We've never done anything like that before." I couldn't help thinking of Nessie's marriage proposal again. Oh. I guessed we had done something like that before.

Bella gave me a shameful look and crossed her arms. She was clearly disappointed in us. I couldn't help getting a little defensive. "Oh please, Bella. You're a hypocrite. I know all about what went down on Isle Esme."

She gasped and her mouth dropped open. I was referring to the nights when Edward refused to sleep with her, and Bella attempted to seduce him with lingerie, followed by the night when she flipped out after waking up from a sex dream. Bella was eyeing me cautiously, not believing that I actually knew the specifics of her honeymoon. She was waiting for me to admit it was all a bluff. Oh, how I wished it wasn't.

"Holy shit," she whispered. "Who told you about that?"

"Yeah, you should never tell anyone anything in this family." It actually wasn't Bella's fault. From what I heard, Edward had told Carlisle about it initially, right after they got back from the island. Carlisle talked to Alice about it because he wondered if Alice saw it coming, Alice told Jasper because wives and husbands tell each other everything, and so on and so forth. I couldn't even remember how I found out. I think it was Emmett. I was amazed Bella was just finding out now that everyone knew one of her darkest secrets.

Bella awkwardly pushed her hair behind her ears. Her fidgeting was quite convincing. It may even have been real in this instance. "We know way too much about each other."

"No kidding." I rolled my eyes.

The odd change of conversation diffused the intense emotion. Bella pushed the plate of croissants to me and I picked up the half-eaten one and took a bite. I didn't want to talk anymore. It wasn't like before, when I didn't want to talk to keep people out. I just didn't have anything left to say.

"Jacob, I am so sorry you lost your father. I'm so sorry for everything. I was prepared for the loss I would endure by choosing to be with Edward, but you didn't get to make that choice, and it isn't fair."

"What does this mean for us? What if I resent the person I'm supposed to be attached to for the rest of time?"

"I can't answer that for you," she admitted.

"What if she decides she doesn't need me?"

Again, she shook her head, unable to admit the extent of her concern and ignorance. The worst part was I didn't have any answers either. How could Nessie ever love someone who resents her? How could I resent the person I loved? If she decided she didn't need me, then I guess I wouldn't be with her anymore. I could age like everyone else, but then I wouldn't have her. It was so confusing and so exhausting. No wonder Nessie looked worn out today. We had finally had some peace in Forks, we finally found ourselves in the same place at the same time, and it all went to hell. I wanted it back the way it was and I knew it never would be.

That's when I saw her. She was rushing down the sidewalk towards the café with her arms held tightly against her midsection. Her eyes were red and swollen and her cheeks were wet with tears. Edward was coming up a few feet behind her, his head hanging down. She was distraught, she was in pain. Pain I had most certainly caused. I couldn't do this to her anymore. I couldn't stand it. I shot up from my chair, nearly knocking the table over in my awkward haste. I moved as fast as I could, while limping, out the door. When she saw me she stared running and within seconds had her arms around my midsection. The pressure from her embrace made my ribs scream, but I ignored it. She had her arms around me and nothing could have ever felt this good. I wanted to smile. Nessie running toward me was much better than her running away from me. Things flashed in my head, things I mutually loved and hated to see. Paul, Rachel, and their kids, especially Kara, over and over again. I tensed up and clenched the fabric of Nessie's jacket. She must have sensed my discomfort, but she didn't let go. I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to push her away. I just wanted everything to be right again.

"Jacob…I'm so sorry…sorry…," she murmured several times.

_She was sorry?_ No. This was all backwards. "What? What are you sorry for?" I asked.

She looked up at me, her chin pressed against my chest. "We have to go home."


	18. They're Quite Aware

A/N: Thanks to kmddeprez1122, simplelullaby, Gemg, cocolin, BlackTreaderWolf, Angel-danger, & JacobAPotter for writing reviews! You guys have made this my most-reviewed story! Thank you so much. Your thoughtful reviews mean so much to me. I'm so close to breaking a hundred reviews I can taste it. Go on. Break a hundred. I dare you.

**Chapter XIII: They're Quite Aware of What They're Going Through **

Sidewalk. Concrete. Discarded bag of chips. Train track. Sidewalk. Gum. Broken glass. Sidewalk.

My eyes were trained to the ground passing below my feet. I was aware we were walking down a busy boulevard, but I didn't look up at the impressive buildings or a single passerby. My father had his arm around my shoulders. It was a good thing too because he prevented me from running into anyone or just walking right into the street. I abruptly realized I wasn't dressed correctly. I was wearing only wearing a t-shirt and a casual jacket. My dad was wearing a long coat and a scarf, hat, and gloves. He was protecting his sparkling skin from the sun. He shouldn't be outside in the first place. Why did it take me so long to realize this?

"I'm fine, Nessie. The sun is barely coming through the clouds just now."

I nodded. Mind-reading had its perks. I didn't have to talk.

Every part of this day had been a blur; most likely a direct result of not sleeping in over twenty-four hours. I couldn't even remember getting dressed in my weather-inappropriate clothing. Did I drive? That was probably a bad idea. There were these moments of brief clarity mixed in with the fog in my head that I did recall. I remembered seeing Jake wake up this morning. I remembered he said he was feeling better. I remembered seeing my dad's name on the screen of my phone and I remembered my mother embracing me. How long had my father and I been walking? Minutes? Hours? I didn't know.

Exhausted, I leaned nearly all my weight into my father's body. He tightened his hold on me and sat us down on a bench. I loved sitting down. I loved this bench. Maybe I would fall asleep on it and never wake up.

"If you're tired we could find you a hotel room to rest in. We can take all the time you need." he murmured.

I was not being careful of what I was thinking at all. "No. I don't want to sleep," I said weakly. Although sleep may have been a relief, I didn't think I could stand it. So many overwhelming thoughts were simmering in my mind. It took everything I had to keep them at bay; for fear that I would be consumed by them. If I slept I wouldn't be able to fend them off. I would have to see it. I would have to live through it again.

"So, when did you start learning self-defense?" he asked unexpectedly.

Did I tell him about that? No. I would never have told him about that. It would have made it him upset. I must have shown him on accident. Huh…something else I didn't realize. I looked up at him, expecting to see a disapproving look. I was wrong. He was genuinely curious.

"Um…right after I got to Romania. Rye has been teaching me," I mumbled.

"Are you any good?"

"I can hold my own." I shrugged my shoulders indifferently.

"That's my girl." He was beaming. I was almost offended. He had never been okay with me learning to fight. How dare he be prideful of my rebellion?

"Why didn't you teach me?" I snapped.

"For the same reason I couldn't teach your mother. I can't look at either one of you and go into that primal level of thought. I'm too afraid I might hurt you," he said with an obvious shrug.

I folded my arms and huffed. "You should be afraid now. I'm quite lethal."

"I'm sure you are," he patronized, which made me huff again. "I wouldn't want to go up against you in a fight."

I rolled my eyes. He leaned back against the bench and mimicked my pose, pouting lip and all. It didn't make me smile. It just made me feel angry. I'd been through hell, okay? I deserved to feel however I damn well pleased about it. He unfolded his arms and set them at his sides. He definitely heard that.

"This may seem like a stupid question, but, do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"No."

"Fine," he said, sounding uninterested.

I huffed for the third consecutive time. He was being so irritating. "You're really not going to meddle?" I spat.

He crossed his legs and threw both arms over the back of the bench. "Nope." He even popped the damn "P".

"Oh my God," I groaned. "You already know everything!" I replayed the entire two months since arriving in Romania the moment I saw him outside the café. At first, I had been so excited to just talk to someone who wasn't Jacob. Now, I was regretting it a little. I knew my father. He was attempting the most obvious reverse psychology ever invented and it was infuriating and condescending and just plain stupid.

"This is true," he calmly admitted.

I sighed, exasperated. I didn't know if he was admitting to knowing everything or to his reverse psychology being condescending, but I sulked all the same. The lack of sleep was clearly getting to me. All this childish anger was a combination of fatigue and some kind of juvenile defense mechanism. I glanced over at my father. He was observing the people passing by, huddling in their wool coats to keep warm. A few gave me the most perplexed expressions when they noticed I didn't even have a hat on. I rubbed my arms and pretended to warm myself. My dad rubbed his hands together and blew on them, effectively making them even cooler. Even though he knew everything, he wasn't going to push this. I was going to have to grow up and say something.

"How do I fix it?" I finally uttered.

"It's not a matter of fixing, Nessie. You and Jacob have to face this together."

"Has Jacob thought about this before?" I inquired. "This" meaning the regret Jacob had been hiding from me.

"Actually, no. Not to say he was ignorant of it; it just wasn't on the forefront of his mind."

Not on the forefront. I knew what that meant. Had I ever used my ability against Jacob, this is what I would have found in his subconscious. This was what was buried beneath his consciousness and too terrible to even think of. The truth about how he felt about imprinting. The truth about how he would eventually see me, how he did see me.

"I hate imprinting," I muttered angrily.

"Nessie…"

"I hate it. I hate everything about it. I would give anything to undo it."

"There is a reason for it," he said as if it were a mantra he'd recited a thousand times.

"What could it possibly be? Jacob can't be with his family. He has to lose his sisters and his nieces and nephews, his entire pack. He can't even be a part of La Push anymore. And it's because of me." I dropped my head into my lap. I whimpered, I choked, I exhaled unevenly, but I didn't cry. I wasn't going to cry because I had no right. Jacob was the one who would have his life ripped apart. How could I mourn something I caused?

I felt my father's cold hands rub my back just like he would when I was a little girl. It wasn't soothing. Nothing was going to soothe this crack in my chest.

I waited till all the threatening tears receded and I sat up again. My father refrained from saying anything and just let me talk and talk and talk. "I was told imprinting meant that Jacob would always be what I needed. He would be a friend or a brother or whatever. It was never straightforward like that for us. When I needed him to be a friend he was already in love with me. It wasn't like one day he just switched from being a best friend to a boyfriend, and even though it was awful for him when I didn't reciprocate, in the end, I was glad because it meant that he truly loved _me_. It wasn't just because of something magical." I felt like I was rambling. I probably was. It hurt to say these things out loud. It felt wrong, but at the same time, I immersed myself in the absolute truth of it.

"I never knew what I 'needed' growing up. I was too young and too naïve and too selfish to know what was best. But I think, for years, I've had my wants and my needs completely confused. I want Jacob to be my best friend. I want him to be my husband. I want him to be my partner in everything I do. But what I _need_, what I cannot live without, is something much, much more basic."

"What is that?" he whispered.

I swallowed so hard it hurt, the tears threatening once more. "I need Jacob to be happy, and that might have absolutely nothing to do with me."

"You've always made Jacob happy," he immediately assured me.

"Have I?" I scoffed. My ridiculous, rhetorical question scared my tears away. "How many times have I broken his heart? I'm breaking his heart right now. I take him away from his family and I can't carry his children."

My father sighed loudly and ran his hands over his eyes and forehead. He thought_ he_ was frustrated? Try thinking about this when you haven't had good night's sleep in days.

"We're not supposed to be together." My voice was flat and unemotional. I was proud I was able to say it so steadily, because I didn't feel it.

My father turned to me and spoke slowly. "Nessie, you can't decide that before you even talk to him. I did the same thing to your mother. I thought it would be better if we were apart, but I was utterly wrong." It always came back to this mistake when it came to my dad. Every serious argument harkened back to the time when he left her to protect her. Did he not get it? This was not about him. This was not about my mother. Those were their mistakes. Their past was their past. Jacob and I were victims of completely different circumstances.

"Don't you see? I can do this for him," I said confidently. "I can protect him. I swore years ago that nothing would hurt Jake ever again." Who knew I could fail so miserably at keeping that promise?

"You can't just give up."

"I'm not. I'm facing the truth." He would need to face it, too. We all would.

"Renesmee," he began quietly, "your mother gave up so much to be with me, her very humanity."

"Mom is never going to resent you for that."

"I don't think Jacob is going to resent you either."

"How could he not? He kept me out of everything he was thinking and feeling for weeks. He didn't tell me because he already feels it."

"Well, I don't begrudge him for keeping this from you entirely."

"Are you serious?!" I yelled. The man who could read people's thoughts and absolutely loathed to be left uninformed was okay with lying?

My father paused before he continued. A couple walking by very slowly gave us a reproachful look. They must have been thinking we were having a fight or something, and were secretly hoping we would continue as they got closer and their eavesdropping became easier. We should have switched to speaking in Portuguese or something; a lot less people would have understood what we were saying.

"For one, Jacob was grieving for his father. Everyone deals with loss differently. I also think his motivation to keep you at arm's length was not because he already resents you. He is afraid of losing you and by not telling you what he was feeling he was able to keep you within his reach."

Keeping me by keeping me out? It doesn't work that way. It hurts no matter what. I would go so far as to say it's worse because when you don't know the truth, you feel completely helpless at the same time. At least now I had some direction. "It doesn't make a difference what his motivation was or is. It's all out now and I can't do anything to change it, but I can make it better for him."

"Nessie, we all make sacrifices for the people we love. We do it because it's worth it."

Sacrifice? _Sacrifice?!_ This wasn't sacrifice; this was torture. "Except Jacob didn't get to choose whether or not he wanted to make that sacrifice."

"No, he didn't," my father conceded. No one could deny that truth.

"I can choose for him. I can make sure he gets the life he deserves."

"You've been separated before and it didn't make either of you happy."

"That was before he realized what he was losing by staying with me. It's too much. I can't ask him to do that for me."

"Are you honestly resolved to do this to him? He won't accept it."

"I'll make him accept it," I said bitingly.

My father narrowed his eyebrows in slight distaste and shook his head. "You need to talk to him. He's your husband for God's sake. You owe it to him to try and work it out, if you love him at all." His voice held a disgusted sneer.

"Don't you dare question my feelings for him," I challenged. If I disappointed him, so be it. It wasn't until I noticed the breath puffing from my open mouth that I realized how worked up I had become by his accusation. I loved Jacob with everything I was. That's why this meant so much. I could give Jacob his life back. I could return him to his brothers and sisters. I couldn't live with him when he hated me. And I couldn't live with myself if he lost everything. "Are you going to support me if this happens?" I asked. "I don't know if I can take it if everyone is fighting against me."

His face was blank, but he was clearly thinking, calculating. When he finally spoke, it seemed he hadn't decided anything. "I'm not going to make any promises one way or the other about it, not before you talk to him."

"Fine." I slouched back into the bench again.

"You're more lethal than I would have thought," he said under his breath.

_Ouch, Dad_. He lifted up the corner of his mouth in recognition of the thought.

I concentrated on the sidewalk again. Concrete. Cracks. Discarded train passes. Concrete.

My father shifted in his seat. List-making was a good strategy when one wanted to keep him out. It made him very uncomfortable.

"Daddy," I whispered, keeping my eyes on the ground. "I don't want to hurt him. I love him so much, so much I forget how to breathe when he's not with me. At the same time, you've seen it, we're so…destructive." My face fell against my hands. I felt my father draw closer to me.

"Not in the last eight years, you haven't. You two have grown and matured and become a family."

My hands fell away. He was so concerned, so lost, so sure I was making a mistake. What if it had all been a mistake?

"In the last two and half months we've been nothing but destructive. Last night was the first time Jacob and I have spoken sincerely since we left Forks, and it was the most awful fight we've ever had. It was the first time we…since…" My words faded away when my mind entered another hazy place. His hands were sliding over my heated, exposed skin. I was breathing so heavily there wasn't enough oxygen in the cold room. Each and every nerve ending in my body was crackling as if it were on fire. Our bodies, bumping and jerking in an awkward, furious haste for some kind of release.

"Oh! God damn it, Nessie!" he cursed, putting his hand to his forehead again.

"Sorry," I said lowly. Jacob was usually the one to make that kind of mistake, not me. I moved my focus back to the sidewalk. My poor parents. They knew far more than they should, and they still didn't have the answers. "Maybe if we're apart, we can be better."

"I'm not going to try to dissuade you of something you've apparently convinced yourself of. I think you're wrong though."

"Duly noted," I acknowledged. As if he hadn't already made that abundantly clear. I watched the wind sweep some of the debris on the sidewalk away. I wished my problems could be blown away just as easily. Instead, they just kept piling and piling until I was pinned underneath the weight of it. "What's unbelievable, is how this isn't even our biggest issue right now. The reason I was calling you in the first place was to tell you about a new coven that has formed in the last year." How had I managed to deliver that piece of news last amongst all this personal drama?

His concern went into a different mode, protective dad mode. I heard it in his voice. "A coven?"

"Yes, they're made up of eight vampires, although I didn't get a good enough look at most of them to recognize them."

"You've met them?"

"Jacob and I tracked them in Lyon." My voice didn't even shake when I said it, even though out of everything I'd said today, this was by far the most serious. Maybe I'd entered some kind of state of shock. Or maybe my emotional threshold had hit its limit. Or maybe, death wasn't my greatest fear anymore.

"And what happened?" my father asked cautiously, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of me tracking a coven, but unable to discourage it, since I was a part of Council and all.

"They're led by this vampire couple, George and Molly. However, I don't know what their actual names are. 'Molly' was the name the female used in the early 1900's. She's also Rye's sire. Rye doesn't even know she's still alive. She abandoned him because his scent would have attracted other vampires. George is her husband. 'George' is also the name he used during the 1900's. They've been scouring every continent for the past year looking for nomads to join them. I don't know what their abilities are. I don't know their intentions, although given how adamantly they expressed their hatred for non-vampires, I'm guessing they're not good. Oh, and Jacob almost died."

"What?!" he croaked.

"I suppose I nearly died, too, but Jacob's the one who got his ass kicked. Protecting me of course." I emphasized all this with a random hand gesture directed at no one in particular. Destructive indeed. Who wasn't out to destroy us?

"I don't want to hear any more about this," he said with a wave of dismissal.

"And we still don't know where Alina is."

"What?" he questioned, his confusion increased all the more. He'd really missed out on a lot, hadn't he?

"She's missing."

"What do you mean?" he pressed.

I didn't feel comfortable talking about Alina's disgrace with someone outside the Council. She had always been the spokesperson for self-control. Then again, I supposed it didn't matter at this point. "Alina flipped out about feeding, so Tani discharged her, and she was angry and confused by her thirst, and she disappeared. We have no idea where she is or what she plans to do. We're all just hoping she'll hunt a human and be done with it." I attempted to sink even lower into the bench. Unfortunately, it wasn't possible.

"A human?" he asked, blinking several times.

"Yeah. Alina was a Gypsy, so she has to drink human blood," I reminded him.

"She has to drink human blood?" he reiterated.

"Uh-huh," I said slowly. I don't know what he was so confused about. We all knew this was going to happen. He kept staring blankly at me – like he wasn't quite getting it. What wasn't there to get? I explained further. "She would rather hunt animals, but she can't. It was so strange to see her that way. We hoped she would be more prepared for it since we've known it was going to happen for the last ten years, but I guess we still couldn't predict what it would be like. She was a like a newborn. It was terrible."

"And you think she needs human blood?" he asked for the third time.

"Yes!" Did he think I wanted to be reminded of this? I hated that she had to kill a human. We all did.

He pushed himself back against the bench. Something was going on behind his eyes as he stared straight ahead. He was calculating again.

"What?" I asked, annoyed by him and annoyed that I was curious.

"You would think I would learn. You would think I would stop making the same mistake again and again."

"What are you talking about?"

He turned his eyes to catch mine. They were gold, and lovely, and…hurting. "I know, Renesmee."

"You know?" I was getting sick of all these half answers.

"I know what the thirst is like for a Gypsy turned vampire."

My mouth fell. My breath stopped. My brain hit some kind of wall of made out of bewilderment and shock and lost all capacity for logic and reason. I don't know how I managed a single syllable. "How?"

"Sasha told me."

"He…he _told_ you about that?"

"Yes," he answered with a gentle nod.

"He actually _told_ you? You didn't just see it in his thoughts or something?" I hoped for this. I always wanted Sasha to confide in me. I encouraged it as much as possible. I knew it was hard for him, almost impossible at times. Yet he'd confessed his darkest secret to my father?

"No. Not exactly. He was able to hide the specifics from me at first. His was very old and his power was in the mind so his control was highly developed. However, I did sense his fears about hurting you, and naturally this led me to ask about it, and eventually he did confess to me."

"He didn't tell me." I was on the brink of tears again. Sasha was mine. If anyone deserved his secrets, it was me. My father didn't deserve them. He didn't even know Sasha. I was the only one who really knew him. I was the only who loved him.

"He wanted to tell you. He was going to. He swore to me he would, but he…ran out of time." A little more than two months; that was all the time I had with Sasha before we ran out of time. It took the same amount of time to destroy my relationship with Jacob.

"I can't believe this," I choked, my chest feeling tight. "You've known this whole time? And you didn't tell me?"

"I wanted to protect you," he promised. "You were so distraught when he died. I couldn't bear hurting you more. Then you and Jacob were on and off again for years and there wasn't a good time to bring it up. When it didn't come up again, I figured someone else knew."

"No! No one knows!" I shouted, hating every excuse that sputtered from his mouth. "What is it? What could possibly have hurt me more?"

He took a cleansing breath; another wild aggravation against my impatience for the truth. He took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "Nessie, Gypsies are of another kind just like werewolves or merpeople or yourself. Our genetic make-ups are all different, Gypsies included. We are all sustained in various ways. For example, I can ingest animal or human blood whereas you can ingest blood and human food."

"I understand." I nodded encouragingly.

"It seems that when a Gypsy becomes a vampire, there is a different chemical reaction when he or she ingests blood – different from you or me."

"Tell me," I squeezed his hand back and had a frightening moment of déjà vu. The last time I spoke those words, things didn't turn out so well. Somewhere, I fought the urge to take it back.

"Sasha did not kill one single human in his lifetime. He didn't drink the blood of humans."

I shook my head in disbelief. That didn't make sense. That wasn't remotely true.

"Gypsies are ingrained with an ability to protect their own kind," he explained. "Gypsies protect Gypsies. Gypsy vampires protect Gypsies and vampires. What threatens a vampire?"

"What are you trying to say?"

He moved his eyes down to our hands. "Sasha fed on werewolves, merpeople, shifters, and whatever else existed a thousand years ago."

I sat up straighter and pulled my hand away, very angry that he would even make such an accusation. "Dad, that's ridiculous. Sasha told me he drank human blood," I said in an infuriated but stable tone.

"Did he? What did he actually tell you?"

I fought through the haze of sleep deprivation and emotional exhaustion. I thought back to a boy with a gentle voice, a caring heart, a tortured mind, and the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. The boy that changed my life. The boy I was in love with. The boy I lost.

"_My blood has protected me and left me unprotected in various ways. I retained my eye color and my human speed, which leaves me more vulnerable than most vampires. My thirst is also...different."_

_My curiosity received a huge second wind. "What do you mean?" I asked while internally praying he wouldn't be enigmatic about this detail._

"_I feed about once a decade. I do not think I could live with myself if I fed more often." He locked his eyes with mine again, restarting our staring contest. A flutter of something intangible manifested in my stomach and bounced all the way to my fingertips. I commanded myself not to look away. I __would__ get used to this. His eyes were simply an oddity. Now that I understood their origin my reaction would change, right? _

"_Wow...that is incredible...but, you know, I don't feed on humans at all. I go vegetarian so to speak. I feed from animals." Ántonia even fed from animals. I didn't understand why he wouldn't._

"_I tried that myself once, but it increased my thirst worse than before. Sort of like an appetizer, forgive the expression. I regret my actions, but I prefer to take as few lives as possible." His face became worried as he looked at me, waiting for me to be suddenly disgusted. How could I be? He couldn't help what he was. Truthfully, I was astonished. Imagine only needing to feed once every ten years? And the rest of the time being able to live without temptation or hunger? It must have been a freeing existence compared to that of the average vampire. Then again, most vampires saw their victims as sustenance, paying no attention to the identity of the person they destroyed. Sasha had ten years to think about the life he had previously taken before moving onto the next. This place wasn't just a prison for Ántonia._

Lives. He said he regretted taking lives. He never said _human_ lives.

Someone must have punched me in the chest because the world around me began to spin. I felt a gloved hand take mine again with another at my lower back. "But, we were in a town once in Romania and an old Gypsy woman recognized him. He'd been there before because he was hunting humans," I fought.

"You assumed he went there because of his thirst. He liked to see the Gypsies. It reminded him what he was protecting when he killed other creatures. It was the only way he could live with himself."

I remembered the young Gypsy girl he saw as we sat at a pleasant outdoor café under the warm sunshine. He was enamored with her. I think I may have even been a little jealous of the attention he gave her. I'd speculated several times that Sasha's abilities could be used to continue protecting the Gypsies even after he was turned. I'd just never known how right I actually was.

"No, you're wrong," I insisted. "Ántonia would have never allowed Sasha to hurt supernatural creatures. It was her life's goal to protect the werewolves and the merpeople."

"She protected _Sasha_," he said coldly. I flinched. "She couldn't allow the Volturi to discover him and exploit his abilities and she loved him too much to kill him. He begged her to…thousands of times."

"No…" My body doubled over and I buried my face into my semi-formed fists. He wanted to die? He wanted Ántonia to take his life? No. He couldn't. It was like experiencing his death all over again.

"It's why he hid himself. He didn't want to get too close to anyone he might have to kill. That's why Ántonia knew every vampire, werewolf, and merperson in existence. She would go with him and use her stealth to protect his anonymity."

"Oh my God," I groaned. My eyes continued to spin and I felt like I was going to be sick. Was there even anything in my body to expel?

"He was terrified of hurting you."

"Hurting _me_?" I squeaked. This much I knew. Sasha had shared this with me dozens of times. I never for one second believed he would hurt me.

"At the beginning, it was werewolves. When there were no more werewolves, it was merpeople. When they were all but gone, it was…hybrids."

Any air left in my body was sucked out. I struggled to speak. "I can't…I can't believe this. He lied to me. I trusted him with everything." I wiped at some moisture that had appeared on my face. I wasn't sure it was tears or drool or mucus running from my nose. My father pulled out a magic handkerchief and started dabbing at my face. What was he doing with a handkerchief?

"He loved you," he assured me as the bright white cloth became stained with tears and leftover mascara. "If there was anything I was certain of about him, it was that."

"I loved him. I wish he would have told me. I would have helped him. I would have done anything." I would have. I was certain of it. I would have fought anything, anyone to protect him. I wouldn't have cared about the danger it caused me. Because it was him, I would have done everything.

"I know, sweetheart."

"That's why he didn't want to leave Romania in the first place. All this time I thought he was afraid of his ability."

"He was a good soul, he just couldn't stop himself. It was a part of him. It's a part of Alina now."

Hot tears were still falling, but I felt calmer. The street was finally quiet; nearly all the onlookers were gone. "Gypsies aren't supposed to be vampires," I breathed. Sasha was the one to tell me this.

"Because Gypsies move slowly as vampires, they metabolize the blood they ingest much slower as well. Sasha needed to feed when his body burned off the blood, which happened to be every ten years. He said in the beginning feeding was bad because he didn't know what to expect. Imagine a drug addict going through detox for the first time."

"It must be like being a newborn over and over again."

"Yes. He said with time he became more controlled as he knew what to expect, but at that point it became it much, much worse because he could remember the experiences lucidly." Which option would I prefer? There's no way to decide that. Control or guilt? Either way it would be impossible to live with yourself.

"I'm sorry he had to live with that for so long. Did it make him feel any better to tell you?"

My father's shoulders slumped, indicating that the answer was no. It didn't save him any guilt or heartache. I wished I could go back and take some of his pain away. "He was overwhelmingly happy to have been with you, Nessie. I know he didn't regret a single moment he spent with you."

I didn't regret him either. Even though I lost him. Even though I hurt Jacob by being with him. He had enriched my life in enormous ways and if not for him, I wouldn't be the person I was today. Without him, I might have never learned how to recognize being in love, and I might never have learned how to fight for it.

_Fight_.

To really fight. Not to kill or protect myself, but to fight to save myself. Being with Sasha did hurt others, but I knew that I wanted it and I was so willing to fight for it. Did I really mean what I said? Would I have done everything to help Sasha if I'd known what a threat he was to me? Yes. I would have. I had no doubts. Where had my fighting spirit gone? Why was I so unwilling to fight for Jacob? Because it was a lost cause? No more lost than being one of the few food sources on the planet for your boyfriend. I could no longer discredit Sasha's memory by being a coward. I would fight. I would fight for Jacob. Imprinting be damned.

"You said Alina was like a newborn?" my dad cut in to my internal dialogue. "Why didn't she just attack you or one of the wolves or merpeople in the Council headquarters? How did she restrain herself?"

"She was erratic, but she's not as out of her mind as he seems. She hid the fact that she was fast from almost everyone. She's still the strategist she always was. If she had stayed with the Council and killed one of us, she would be dead. Her self-preservation won over."

"So, where has Alina disappeared to?"

_Well if I knew that I would have gone there_.

He rolled his eyes.

"I don't know. She knows everyone. She could go to Victoria Falls and attack the merpeople or she could go to the hybrid covens in South America. She's a freaking GPS. She can find any one of us."

"She may be stronger and faster, but Ántonia still had to go with Sasha to protect him. Alina must know how dangerous it is for her as well. Attacking the clans in the falls is risky. She'd be outnumbered and killed for sure." Jacob may have scoffed at them, but my dad was right, the merpeople were dangerous, and there were a lot of them now.

"She might go to South America to find the other hybrids. They're in lesser numbers."

"But still in groups. If it were me, I'd want to go somewhere where I had the advantage; where I could take someone by surprise."

Everyone knew of Alina. Who could she possibly surprise? Who was weaker than her? A synapse lit up, and then I knew.

"La Push," I whispered, wishing I could take it back, because to say it out loud made it true. "Dad, what if she goes to La Push? It makes the most sense. The pack is out of touch. Half the wolves haven't phased in years. Jacob, the alpha, isn't even there. They're weak, and Alina knows that."

"Carlisle and everyone else can go down and help protect them," he said quickly, attempting to calm me.

The panic in my voice only increased. "That will trigger the wolf genes in all the kids. The cycle will start all over again. That's why we left!" I stood up and clenched my fists, unable to keep still.

"Better then to have someone killed."

"What about Alina? What if someone kills her?"

"Oh, Nessie."

"I can't let anyone hurt her. I can't let her hurt anyone. What am I supposed to do, execute her? I can't kill my best friend." Like he said, this was something that was part of Alina. She wasn't going to stop until she fed. I couldn't let her kill one of my nieces and nephews, one of my god-kids, one of my brothers and sisters. But she was an upper-level member of the Council. She was my best friend. If not for this bloodlust, she'd be perfectly controlled. No matter how I spun it in my head, the reasoning didn't straighten out to my satisfaction. At the end of the day, someone was going to be dead.

I turned and started walking down the sidewalk in the reverse direction we came. I kept my eyes down on the ground because that was where I'd memorized my path. I thought I heard my father call my name a few times behind me, but I ignored it. My face was hot and my stomach churned. I grasped at my midsection and fought the graying mist that fell over my eyes and threatened to make me black out.

I recognized the cobblestone of the city square the café was in. When I looked up, Jacob was struggling to run out the door to get to me. I ran to him. I wrapped my arms around him. I wanted him close. How could I tell him? Wasn't it enough that our marriage was falling apart? Now I had to contemplate killing my friend? Now all the pack kids would have to be thrust into a life they shouldn't have to be forced into. They would have to have all their choices taken away as well? Why couldn't we protect them? We wanted to. Jacob wanted to. Jacob gave up all his happiness to shelter them. It was all for nothing. It would kill him. His heart would be nothing but dust.

"Jacob…I'm so sorry…sorry…," I cried.

"What? What are you sorry for?"

I looked up at him. His eyes were baffled. "We have to go home."

* * *

End of Part II

* * *

A/N: If you haven't already guessed, the Prologue is a flashback to a conversation between Edward and Sasha. It was intended to be misleading. If you thought it was Edward and Jacob, that's perfectly logical, and exactly what I wanted you to think. And before you freak out, yes, I have made many alterations to _Sasha _as it has been beta'd; however, this part of the plot does not compromise the original draft. I made sure of it. Sasha said his thirst was different, Nessie assumed he drank only human blood, and he neither confirmed nor denied it. Makes so much sense it makes your head spin, doesn't it?

Just to let you know, I'm taking a little break. I posted eight chapters in a little over a month and I need to take a break and actually focus on school for a while. Thanks for all the support, keep in touch, and hopefully I'll talk to you all again soon.


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